january-2012

ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON / SYNERGY ART
HAMLET ASKED HIMSELF: “To be or not
to be.” I am now facing an equally great
philosophical question: “To bidet or not to
bidet?” As I stand in my hotel bathroom
in Paris, staring down into the porcelain
bowl, I realise it is a very English dilemma. A
bidet may be a fixture of many Continental
bathrooms, but to Brits like me it is one of
those strange foreign things that we do not
truly understand – like having cheese for
breakfast, Shakira, and winning at football.
Don’t get me wrong, although I’ve never
used one I’m totally aware of what a bidet is for
– though I’ve definitely travelled with people
who weren’t. The give-away signs are when
they say things like “the sink’s very low in my
bathroom” or “I’ve got a really useful bowl for
hand-washing clothes”.
If you are unaware of the point of this
particular item of bathroom furniture, I’m not
sure a family magazine like this is the right place
to fi ll you in. But I did fi nd a very useful web
page called “How to Use a Bidet”. It helpfully
talks you through each step of the process, with
particular attention paid to “avoiding burning
sensitive areas” (basically, go easy on the hot
tap), and why it may not be a good idea to turn
on the water jet too powerfully. I don’t think we
need to go into that. Do be careful while reading
it though: make sure you hold your laptop with
your non-cleaning hand.
I hope I’m not putting you off your
sandwich/nuts/other food item with all this
lavatorial talk. I know the British have been
accused of being toilet-obsessed, but I like
to think that we operate a middle ground
between the Americans who don’t like to
discuss the subject so much they use the
euphemism “restroom” and the Germans,
who are so fascinated by it they actually
Comment
COMEDIAN AND TRAVEL CHANNEL PRESENTER DANNY ROBINS ON BATHROOM BASICS
have little inspection shelves in their toilet
bowls. Can any German readers explain the
thinking behind that intriguing little ledge?
Are you worried you might swallow something
important you will need to find again later?
Our different approaches to our bodily
functions are another example of the glorious
diversity that makes Europe one of the most
argumentative continents (or should that be
incontinents?). If we can’t decide if a bidet is
I hope I’m not putting you off your food with all this lavatorial talk
a necessary daily function or a strange waste
of bathroom space, how are we ever going
to decide on a common economic policy?
So, in the interests of unity, cooperation and
pan-European understanding, I will now for the
first time in my life use a bidet. You may wish to
avert your eyes. Ooh, that jet’s a bit powerful.
TWITTER.COM/DANNY_ROBINS
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