HP Lovecraft's Magazine of Horror - Weird Tales

“Okay, okay,” said Don, “will you take a check?”
“With two valid pieces of I.D. I might.”
Don took out his wallet and wrote the man a check knowing
that the amount would clean out his bank account. He wondered
how he would explain it to Meg. They were living beyond
their means as it was. Don gave the man the check. The salesman
examined Don’s I.D. as if he’d never seen him before,
then reached under the counter and took out the third pamphlet.
Don grabbed it and started for the door.
“Wait,” said the salesman, holding a rolled up poster, “you
forgot your complimentary positive affirmation chart.”
“I’ll give you a positive affirmation—drop dead!”
“Another satisfied customer,” said the salesman.
THAT night, Don asked Zardarth if he could get him his
money back. Zardarth replied that it wasn’t his area. Don
groaned, coaxed Zardarth into the circle, said the incantation
and watched the creature vaporize into the ether. Then Don
told Meg about the money. She was not happy. At least that’s
the feeling that Don had while he was dodging the plates that
she threw at him.
4wo weeks later, Don and Meg moved into a much
smaller apartment. The day after the move, Don’s boss
informed him that the company had just been sold to
foreign investors and that Don was fired.
The following Sunday, Don and Meg were lying in their
bed, reading the Times (she was reading the travel section—he,
the book section), when Don said, “At least it’s quiet.
Meg wads about to answer him when a loud blasting noise
shook the walls.
“What was that?” said Don.
“It’s our neighbor,” said Meg. “Their eleven-year-old son
plays the tuba.”
“I wondered why we got such a bargain on the rent,” said
Don, as he picked up the first pamphlet he had bought and
flipped through it.
On the last page he found a line printed in very small type
that he hadn’t noticed before. It read: Good for one use only. Don
got out of bed and started getting dressed.
“Where are you going?” asked Meg.
“To buy a gun.”
“You’re going to kill him?”
“No, myself,” said Don.
“Oh, honey,” said Meg, “do me a favor, on your way back,
will you pick up a bottle of oregano, I’m all out.”
“Yes, dear,” said Don, as he put on his jacket and trudged
toward the door. n
Marc Bilgrey’s short stories have appeared in anthologies including
Slipstreams, Merlin, and Crafty Cat Crimes. He’s written for television,
comedians, and syndicated comic strips. In addition, Marc has written
and drawn his own cartoons that have been featured in magazines and newspapers
including The Wall Street Journal, The Harvard Business
Review and Funny Times. He is hard at work on his next novel.
H .P . L O V E C R A F T ’S M A G A Z IN E O F H O R R O R 79