HP Lovecraft's Magazine of Horror - Weird Tales

78 H .P . L O V E C R A F T ’S M A G A Z IN E O F H O R R O R
“What? You must be crazy! I’m not going to pay you five
thousand bucks for some crummy little pamphlet that looks
like you ran it off in your basement with a hand-cranked printing
press.”
“As a matter of fact, I did. Well, too bad then, I guess
you’ll just have to live with that monster for all eternity. That’s
its life span, you know. Actually, it’s eternity and a day, but why
quibble over a detail?”
“Can’t we work out some kind of deal?” said Don, as he
thought of the creature following him around through his old age.
“The deal is five thousand dollars.”
“Do you take plastic?”
“Yes, but the booklet is non-returnable and all sales are
final.”
“Why you, you...” said Don, stopping himself. No use provoking
the clerk, he thought, who knew what the man was
capable of? Maybe he could turn him into a bug and step on
him. Besides there was a monster at stake.
Reluctantly, Don took out his wallet and handed the man
his credit card. The salesman ran it through his machine, got
the approval code, took out a receipt and Don signed it.
Then the man put the book in a bag, handed it to Don and
said, “Thank you, call again.”
“It’ll be a cold day in hell,” said Don.
“That can be arranged,” he replied.
“Never mind,” said Don, and he ran out of the store.
WHEN he got back to his apartment, Don stood in the living
room and asked the monster if he could get his five thousand
back. “Sorry,” said the monster, “I can’t do that. In fact, I can’t
get you any money. It’s not my area.”
Don sighed and looked at Meg. She shrugged.
“Okay, Mard,” said Don, turning back to the monster,
“step into the circle, please.”
The creature did as it was told, then Don opened the second
pamplet and read it out loud. As soon as he was finished,
there was a puff of smoke and Mardarth disappeared.
“Well,” said Don, “that’s the end of that.”
No sooner had he spoken, then there was another puff of
smoke and now, standing in the circle, was a different creature
who was much larger than Mardarth. This one had reddish
scaly skin and an even bigger tail than Mardarth’s.
“Hi, Don,” said the new creature, “my name is Zardarth.”
“What happened to Mardarth?” said Don.
“Oh, he’s gone back to where he came from,” said
Zardarth.
“But, what are you doing here?”
“You called me.”
“I did not.”
“Did too.”
“Don,” said Meg, “if this huge person says that you called
him, perhaps he knows something.”
“Did I call you?” said Don.
“Yes,” said Zardarth, “by reading the incantation that got
rid of Mardarth, you simultaneously called me.”
“I’m gonna kill the guy at that store,” said Don, as he
stared at Zardarth. “Say, maybe you can kill him for me.”
P
“Sorry,” said Zardarth, I don’t know why, but he’s the only
human being on the face of your planet that I am forbidden to
harm.”
“Figures,” said Don.
“Do you have anyone else that you’d like revenge on?”
said Zardarth.
“No,” said Don, “I don’t.”
“How about someone you just don’t like?”
“No.”
“What about that rude man at the deli last week?” said Meg.
“The one that claimed he was out of cole slaw when he wasn’t?”
“You want to kill a guy you don’t know just because he
wouldn’t sell you cole slaw?” said Don.
“You have a better idea?” she said.
LATER that night, Don and Meg were woken up by the
sounds of strange clanging. They went to the living room and
saw the creature huddled next to a huge flickering crystal. Loud
noises were coming from inside it. The monster looked at Don
and Meg and said, “Nice beat, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” said Don, “nice.”
“HOW may I help you?” said the salesman, as Don walked up
to the counter.
“Take a wild guess.”
“Ah, I see that you are here for volume three. They’re a set,
you know.”
“No, I didn’t. You somehow forgot to mention it the last
time.”
“Must’ve slipped my mind,” said the salesman.
“Okay, how much?” said Don.
“This one is absolutely guaranteed to get rid of your latest
problem and not create any more.”
“How much?”
“Twenty-five thousand.”
“You must be kidding.”
“Enjoy your creature, good day,” said the man, as he started
to walk into a curtained-off room behind the counter.