HP Lovecraft's Magazine of Horror - Weird Tales

“Hi, Mard,” said Meg, then looked at Don and said, “And
to think I used to get upset when you had your friends over for
poker.”
“So, Don,” said the monster, “what can I do for you?”
“My next door neighbor plays loud music all the time, and
it’s very annoying,” said Don.
“I could twist off his head and toss it to him,” said the
creature.
“Perhaps something less gruesome,” said Don.
“I could pull his guts out and make a quilt out of them,”
said the monster.
“Maybe you can just scare him a bit,” said Don.
“Whatever you say, Master,” said Mardarth. The creature
stepped out of the circle, walked to the front door, opened it,
stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him.
Don looked at Meg and said, “Not bad, huh?”
“I hope he doesn’t track dirt into the apartment with those
webbed feet of his.”
Is that all you can say?”
“You’re right,” said Meg, “Boy, does he ever need a
deodorant.”
Don gave Meg an irritated look as the music next door
stopped. Suddenly there was a crash, and then, a loud thud
against the wall, followed by a muffled scream.
Half a minute later, the creature opened the front door and
walked back into Don and Meg’s apartment. “You won’t have
to worry about your neighbor anymore,” said Mardarth.
“What did you do?” asked Don.
“I smashed all his equipment, then threatened to pull his
brain out of his ears if he ever made any noise again.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he’s moving out of the building, effective now.”
Don and Meg heard footsteps in the hallway. “That’s him
leaving,” said Mardarth.
“That’s great,” said Don, “you got rid of him. Now we can
sleep again. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Forget it,” said Mardarth, as he sat down on the couch. It
collapsed under his weight. “Sorry about that.”
“Hey, I just had that sofa re-upholstered,” said Meg.
“Uh, Mard,” said Don, can you leave now?”
“Sure, all you have to do is say the spell to get rid of me
and then I’m out of here.”
Don flipped through the pamphlet. “Is that the one I said
to get you here?”
“Let me see that,” said the creature. Don handed him the
booklet. The creature looked at and said, “No, that’s not it, that
just gets me here.”
“So, how do I get rid of you, no offense.”
“None taken. You just have to say the right words.”
They don’t seem to be in this book. It only has one spell
in it.”
Meg walked over to Don and said, “You can’t expect me
to let this creature stay here, can you?” Then she turned to
Mardarth and said, “Can you go to a hotel till we straighten this
all out?”
“I can’t do that, Ma’am, I have to stay with my magical
host here,” said Mardarth, pointing to Don.
Don looked at Meg and said, “It’s that guy at the store’s
fault. He tricked me, he knew this would happen. Wait a
minute, hey Mard, can you get me the spell that’ll send you
back to where you came from?”
“Sorry,” said Mardarth, “I can’t do that.”
“It’s already ten o’clock at night said Meg, “the store’s
closed. I guess you’ll have to wait till tomorrow.”
“How do you like that?” said Don. “I’ve been rooked, flim
flammed and bamboozled.”
“Will wonders never cease,” said Meg, and headed into the
bedroom.
LATER that night, Don and Meg were woken up by strange
music. They turned and looked at each other.
“I thought we got rid of our noisy neighbor,” said Don.
“It’s not coming from next door,” said Meg, “it’s coming
from our living room.”
Don and Meg went to the living room and saw Mardarth
sitting on the floor, listening to a large pulsating crystal that had
loud unearthly music emanating from it.
“What are you doing,?” asked Don.
“Oh, hi, Don,” said the monster, “I was just listening to
some music from my crystal. I always listen to music.”
“Can you turn it down? We’re trying to get some sleep.”
“I can’t turn it down, Don, it plays when it wants to play
and at whatever volume it likes. I haven’t got any control over
it. It’s an all-demon group. Got a real beat to it, don’t you
think?”
“Yeah, a real beat,” said Don, as he gritted his teeth and
pulled up his slipping pajama bottoms.
Dona and Meg went into their bedroom and looked at
each other.
“The cure was worse than the disease,” said Meg.
“I’ll fix all this tomorrow,” said Don, “you’ll see.”
“Yeah, right,” she said, and crawled back into bed and put
a pillow over her head to try to drown out the wailing in the
next room.
(i, friend,” said the man behind the counter, as Don
walked into the little metaphysical store.
“Don’t hi, me, buddy,” he snapped, and tossed the
booklet on the counter, “what’s the big idea of cheating me?”
“Having a problem, are you?”
“You know damn well I am. You sold me a book with only
one spell in it and now I have a monster in my living room that
plays his crystal all night long. What are you going to do about
it?”
The man smiled, reached under the counter and dropped
a samll panplet on top of the first one. He said, “The antidote.”
“Pretty sneaky,” said Don, “I’ll take it.” But before he
could touch it, the man snatched it and held it close too himself.
“”Not so fast, young man,” said the clerk, “this one is a little
more expensive than the first edition.”
“So that’s the idea, huh?” said Don. “Okay, it’s highway
robbery, how much?”
“Five thousand dollars.”
H .P . L O V E C R A F T ’S M A G A Z IN E O F H O R R O R 77