The Arcades Project - Operi

He said that his decision to spend the night at the clearing was unshakable since it was
based on simple reasoning. The goal was to cross the border so dmt he and his manuscript
would not fall into the hands of the Gestapo. He had reached one third of this goal. If he
had to return to the village and then do the entire way again tomorrow, his heart would
probably give out. Ergo, he would stay.
I sat down again and said: "Then I too -will stai'
He smiled. " Will you defend me against your wild bulls, gnadige Frau?"
My staying would not be reasonable, he explained quietly. It was essential that I check
back widl Azema and that I get a good night's sleep. Only dlen would I be able to guide
the Gurlands back before sunrise -without possible error or delay, and continue to the
border.
Of course, I knew all that. Above all, I had to get hold of some bread -widl0ut ration
stamps, and perhaps some tomatoes and black-market ersatz marmalade, to keep us going
during ilie day. I dlink I had only tried to shock Benjamin into abandoning his plan, but
of course it hadn't worked.
On the descent, I tried to concentrate on the road so that I would be able to find my way
in the dark the next monting. But my mind kept nagging: he shouldn't be up there alone,
this is all wrong . ... Had he plamled it this way all along? Or had ilie walk exhausted him
so much that he had decided to stay only after we arrived? But there was this heavy
briefcase that he had taken along. Were his survival instincts intact? If in danger, what
would his peculiar way of reasoning tell him to do?
During the winter, before France's surrender, my husband and Benjamin had been
together in one of the camps where the French govenllIlent imprisoned the refugees from
Nazi Germany-together -with the Nazis. They were at the Camp de Vernuche, close to
Nevers. In one of their conversations Benjamin, a heavy smoker, revealed that he had quit
smoking a few days ago. It was painful, he added. "Wrong tinting," Hans told him. Seeing
Benjamin's inability to handle " the adversities of outer life which sometimes come . .. like
wolves"l-at Vernuche all of life was adversity-Hans had become used to helping him
cope.
He now tried to show Benjamin that in order to tolerate crises and keep one's sanity,
the fundamental rule was to look for gratifications, not punishments. Belamin ,mswered,
"I can bear the conditions in the camp only if I am forced to immerse my mind totally in
an effort. '10 quit smoking requires this effort, and it will therefore save me."
TIle next morning everything seemed to be going well. The danger of being seen by the
police or customs guards was greatest when leaving the village and starting up dle foothills.
Azema had insisted: start out before sunrise, mingle -with the vineyard workers on
your way up, don't carry anything except a musette, don't talk. That way the patrols can't
distinguish you from the villagers. Mrs. Gurland and her young son, to whom I had
explained these rules, carefully followed them, and I had no trouble finding the way.
The closer we came to the clearing, the more tense I grew. Will BeIamin be there?
Will he be alive? My imagination started turning like a kaleidoscope.
Finally. Here is the clearing. Here is old Benjamin. Alive. He sits up and gives us a
friendly look. Then I stare at his face-what has happened? Those dark purple blotches
under his eyes-could they be a symptom of a heart attack?
He guessed why I stared. Taking off his glasses and wiping his face with a handker-