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They are usually all but uncontested. This could
clearing the uprights.
Have you seen those “rides” that cost $20 and
is basically two bungie ropes that attach to a
enabling the “rider” to bounce 10-15 feet in the
air. Imagine combining this harness with a small
trampoline section of turf just in front of the goal
posts, and positioning a defensive “blocker” at this
station. The acrobatics that would inevitably follow
would be transcendent. But we can’t have just
has to be the head coach’s oldest (surviving) son.
Look me in the eye and tell me that this wouldn’t
make football more entertaining. You can’t.
Imagine a world where Bobby Bowden and
Tommy Bowden were forced to schedule all of
their games around the fact that 57 year-old
Tommy will be suiting up and taking his place in
the bungie harness for dad’s night game. Think
about the excitement of trying to guess which
Ryan twin would jump for their father’s (Buddy
Ryan) 1980s Philadelphia Eagles teams. Dallas
Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob? Or famous
foot fetishist and New York Jets head coach Rex?
This change alone would save the NFL.
FREE THROWS
I watch soccer once every four years, and when
I do I usually don’t pay attention until the penalty
kicks. The sport itself isn’t all that great, but that
doesn’t mean it is wholly deplorable. It has some
real innovative features to bring to the table:
and shin guards are all wonderful. But soccer’s
real contribution is the penalty kick. Penalty kicks
and late game free throws are the pinnacles of
sporting drama, so why not add a post-game
scoring option to modify “American Football” for
the better?
The system would basically work like free
throws: Any personal foul-type penalty results
yard line (making it a 22 yard attempt). Rough the
passer, and said quarterback gets a chance to
exact his revenge via the scoreboard. And don’t
you DARE rough the kicker. This could solve so
many problems, the NFL’s (still) putrid overtime
stay at that restaurant longer, etc... Who wouldn’t
enjoy watching Chad Ochocinco attempt to line up
AN ALTERNATIVE LEAGUE
Football players are basically criminals. This
fact is provable. Plaxico Burress took an illegal
leg. Ben Roethlisberger claims to have never
sexually assaulted anyone, but is continuously
accused of doing that very thing! Rae Caruth killed
someone. Ray Lewis might have killed someone.
I’m not even convinced that Donovan McNabb is a
human being. This mountain of evidence leads me
to believe that there is a vast market of untapped
potential talent in America’s prison system.
Why not start a prison league? After all, The
Longest Yard was so popular they made it twice!
Republicans and democrats alike constantly
bemoan the fact that our detention system is
year. Like the NCAA, the revenue generated by
each team in the Prison League could be used to
fund basic expenses of each correctional facility.
Problem solved! And if the Prison League would
the NCAA in popularity almost immediately.
Imagine the possibilities if we allowed the
franchises to name themselves! We could even
grant each year’s MVP a full pardon, giving the
players incentive to play every game as if their
lives depended on it. This seems like a win for
society and a win for those who society seeks to
reform.
That solves football. Don’t even ask about
baseball. It isn’t salvageable.
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