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Kryten<br />
<strong>red</strong> <strong>dwarf</strong><br />
season <strong>two</strong> part 1<br />
Better Than Life<br />
Thanks for the Memory
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
VIEW OF SPACE.<br />
Kryten<br />
HOLLY: Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red<br />
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive;<br />
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a<br />
creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends.<br />
Additional: As the days go by, we face the increasing<br />
inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited,<br />
hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to<br />
laugh, haven't you?<br />
NOVA-5. KRYTEN, AN ANDROID, WATCHES A VIDEO MONITOR ON<br />
WHICH TWO SILVER ANDROIDS, KELLY AND BROOK SPEAK.<br />
KELLY: Sit down, Brook. There's something I must tell you.<br />
BROOK: What is it, Kelly?<br />
KELLY: I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brook. I spent the<br />
night with Gary.<br />
BROOK: Your ex-husband Gary, my business rival? What<br />
are you telling me, Kelly?<br />
KELLY: I'm saying... Brook, Jr.<br />
BROOK: What about Brook, Jr.?<br />
KELLY: He isn't your android.<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS. RIMMER WATCHES A RECORDING OF A<br />
WOMAN RECITING AN ESPERANTO INSTRUCTIONAL TAPE.<br />
WOMAN: "Mi esporas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos<br />
milda."<br />
RIMMER: Wait a minute, I know this one, don't tell me,<br />
don't tell me, don't tell me!<br />
LISTER: I hope when you come the weather will be clement.<br />
WOMAN: "I hope when you come the weather will be<br />
clement."<br />
RIMMER: Lister, don't tell me. I could've got that.<br />
WOMAN: "Bonvolu direkti min al kvinsela hotela?"<br />
RIMMER: Ah... I remember this from last time...<br />
LISTER: Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?<br />
RIMMER: Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly, and completely<br />
wrong.<br />
WOMAN: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?"<br />
RIMMER: Lister, will you please shut up?<br />
LISTER: I'm only helping ya!<br />
RIMMER: Well I don't need any help.<br />
page 2
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
WOMAN: "La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn' al<br />
la kuristo."<br />
RIMMER: I would like to purchase that orange inflatable<br />
beach ball and that small bucket and spade.<br />
WOMAN: "The meal was splendid! My heartiest<br />
congratulations to the chef."<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight<br />
years. How come you're so utterly useless?<br />
RIMMER: Oh, speaks! And how many books have you<br />
read in your entire life? The same number as champion the<br />
wonder horse: zero!<br />
LISTER: I've read books.<br />
RIMMER: Lister, we're not talking about books where the<br />
main character is a dog called "Ben."<br />
LISTER: I went to Art College!<br />
RIMMER: You? How did you get into Art College?<br />
LISTER: The normal way you get into Art College. The<br />
same old, usual, normal, boring way you get in. Failed my<br />
exams and applied. They snatched me up.<br />
RIMMER: But you didn't get a degree, did you?<br />
LISTER: No, I dropped out. I wasn't in long.<br />
RIMMER: How long?<br />
LISTER: 97 minutes. I thought it was going to be a good<br />
skive and all that, you know? But I took one look at the<br />
time table and just checked out, man. I mean, it was<br />
ridiculous. They had lectures at, like, first thing in the<br />
afternoon. We're talking half-past twelve everyday. Who's<br />
together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste.<br />
RIMMER: Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions. I'm<br />
not prepa<strong>red</strong> to sit around all day polishing my space-bike<br />
so I can go joyriding through some asteroid belt. 'Cause I'm<br />
not a gimp! And one of my ambitions is to learn another<br />
language so kindly let me get on with it.<br />
WOMAN: "La menuo aspektas bowege -- mi provos la<br />
kokidajon."<br />
RIMMER: Ah, now this is one I do know.<br />
AT DINNER<br />
HOLLY: The menu looks interesting -- I think I'll try the<br />
chicken.<br />
RIMMER: Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu<br />
alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" And I<br />
think we all know what that means.<br />
HOLLY: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter?<br />
There appears to be a frog in my bidet."<br />
RIMMER: Is it? Well what's that one about, "Your father<br />
was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life<br />
up against walls with sailors?"<br />
page 3
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
HOLLY: I'm not telling you.<br />
RIMMER: It's because you're bo<strong>red</strong>, isn't it? That's why<br />
you're both annoying me.<br />
HOLLY: I'm not bo<strong>red</strong>. I've had a really busy morning. I've<br />
devised a system to totally revolutionize music.<br />
LISTER: Get out of town!<br />
HOLLY: Yeah, I've decimalized it. Instead of the octave, it's<br />
the decatave. And I've invented <strong>two</strong> new notes: H and J.<br />
LISTER: Hang on a minute, you can't just invent new<br />
notes.<br />
HOLLY: Well I have. Now it goes: Do Re Mi Fa So La Wo<br />
Bo Ti Do. Do Ti Bo Wo La So Fa Mi Re Do.<br />
RIMMER: What are you drivelling about?<br />
HOLLY: Holrock. It'll be a whole new sound. All the<br />
instruments will be extra big to incorporate my <strong>two</strong> new<br />
notes. Triangles will have four sides. Piano keyboards the<br />
length of zebra crossings. Of course, women will have to<br />
be banned from playing the cello.<br />
LISTER: Holly, shut up.<br />
HOLLY: Oh, I forgot, I haven't told you the news.<br />
RIMMER: What news?<br />
HOLLY: A signal. We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing<br />
but I just thought I'd mention it.<br />
RIMMER: Aliens!<br />
LISTER: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything<br />
slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys -- it's<br />
aliens. A picture falls off the wall -- it's aliens. That time<br />
we used up a whole bog roll in a day -- you thought that was<br />
aliens as well.<br />
RIMMER: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?<br />
RIMMER: Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean they<br />
don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably<br />
do something weird and alienesque, like it comes out of the<br />
top of their heads or something.<br />
LISTER: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a<br />
cinema.<br />
DRIVE ROOM.<br />
HOLLY: It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova-5.<br />
They've crash-landed. I'm trying to establish contact.<br />
LISTER: Another ship! Brilliant!<br />
RIMMER: So it's not aliens, then?<br />
HOLLY: No, they're from Earth. I hope they'd got some<br />
spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few<br />
supplies.<br />
LISTER: Like what?<br />
page 4
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
HOLLY: Cow's milk. Ran out of that years ago. Fresh and<br />
dehydrated.<br />
LISTER: What kind of milk are we using now? (sips his milk)<br />
HOLLY: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's<br />
milk.<br />
LISTER: Dog's milk?!<br />
HOLLY: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness,<br />
full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any<br />
other type of milk, dog's milk.<br />
LISTER: Why?<br />
HOLLY: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's<br />
milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's<br />
fresh.<br />
LISTER: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!<br />
HOLLY: What, and spoil your tea? Hang about, we've<br />
got contact.<br />
KRYTEN: (on the monitor) Thank goodness! My name is<br />
Kryten. I'm the service mechanoid aboard the Nova-5. We've<br />
had a terrible accident. The male officers died on impact. The<br />
female officers are inju<strong>red</strong> but stable. Please help us.<br />
CAT: Is that female as in "soft and squidgy?"<br />
RIMMER: How many?<br />
KRYTEN: Three. Miss Jane, Miss Tracy, and Miss Anne. I am<br />
transmitting medical details.<br />
RIMMER: Tell them we're coming aboard. By god, we'll<br />
rescue these fair blooms or my name's not, "Captain A.J.<br />
Rimmer, Space Adventurer."<br />
KRYTEN: Thank you, Captain.<br />
LISTER: "Space Adventurer?"<br />
RIMMER: What was I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the<br />
bloke who used to clean the gunk out the chicken soup<br />
machine! Actually, we know sod all about space travel but if<br />
you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!?" That'll fill them<br />
with confidence, won't it?<br />
LISTER: How far are we away, Hol?<br />
HOLLY: About 24 hours.<br />
CAT: What?! Only 24 hours?! I better start getting ready.<br />
First in the shower room! Hey, I'm so excited all six of my<br />
nipples are tingling!<br />
LISTER: What's the matter with him? We're on a mission<br />
of mercy. We're taking them urgently needed medical<br />
supplies. We're not on the pull!<br />
RIMMER: No, we're not "on the pull," are we, Lister? Look<br />
at you. You're absolutely pathetic. You're really trying, aren't<br />
you? You're wearing all your least smeggy things.<br />
LISTER: I don't know what you're talking about.<br />
RIMMER: That T-shirt with only <strong>two</strong> curry stains on the<br />
front of it. You only wear that on special occasions. You're<br />
toffed up to the nines, laddy!<br />
page 5
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: And what about you? You look like Clive of India!<br />
Or the one whose mum does use new biological biz!<br />
RIMMER: Oh! It's started. I knew it would.<br />
LISTER: What has?<br />
RIMMER: The put-downs. It's always the same when we<br />
meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good.<br />
LISTER: Like when?<br />
RIMMER: Remember those <strong>two</strong> little brunettes from<br />
supplies? And I told them I worked in stores and they were<br />
really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.<br />
LISTER: And I said you were a shelf.<br />
RIMMER: Exactly! And I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo<br />
and you said, "Eww! He's taking ya home to meet his mum<br />
already!"<br />
LISTER: So? They laughed!<br />
RIMMER: Yes, at me! At my expense! Just don't put me<br />
down when we meet them.<br />
LISTER: Okay, what do you want me to say? How do<br />
you want me to act?<br />
RIMMER: I don't know. Just act with respect. For a start,<br />
don't call me "Rimmer."<br />
LISTER: Why not?<br />
RIMMER: Because you always put the emphasis on "Rim"<br />
in "Rimmer." Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.<br />
LISTER: Well what do you want me to call you? "Rim-MER?"<br />
RIMMER: I don't know. "Arnie," "Arn," something with a<br />
little more... I don't know. How about "Big Man?" Or what<br />
about the nickname I had at school?<br />
LISTER: What? "Bonehead?"<br />
RIMMER: How did you know my nickname was<br />
"Bonehead?"<br />
LISTER: I was only guessing.<br />
RIMMER: I didn't mean that. I meant the other one.<br />
LISTER: What other one?<br />
RIMMER: "Ace!"<br />
LISTER: Get out of town! Your nickname was never "Ace!"<br />
Maybe "Ace-hole."<br />
RIMMER: It WAS my nickname at school, actually. It's<br />
just no one ever called me it despite the many times I let<br />
them beat me up.<br />
LISTER: What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer?<br />
RIMMER: I'm trying to say build me up, don't put me<br />
down.<br />
LISTER: Like?<br />
RIMMER: Like, if the opportunity occurs and it crops up<br />
naturally in conversation, you could perhaps mention that I'm<br />
very brave.<br />
LISTER: Do what?<br />
page 6
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: Don't go ape. Just sort of mention, perhaps, that<br />
I died and I was pretty, inc<strong>red</strong>ibly brave about it. Well, I<br />
mean, you know, you could mention hints that I've had tons<br />
of girlfriends. All right, forget it, it was just an idea. Oh, you're<br />
not wearing those boots, are you?<br />
LISTER: What's wrong with them?<br />
RIMMER: Oh, they just don't go, not with that lot. You<br />
should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots.<br />
LISTER: You said they were disgusting.<br />
RIMMER: Ew, no, very chic.<br />
LISTER: You said they smelled like an orangutan's posing<br />
pouch and set off one of those dangerous chemical alarms.<br />
You made me put them in the air-lock.<br />
RIMMER: No, no. That was a mistake. They really look<br />
terrific on you. I'd wear them.<br />
LISTER: Honest?<br />
RIMMER: Definitely.<br />
NOVA-5.<br />
KRYTEN: Come along, everybody! They're here! They're<br />
in orbit! Miss Jane!<br />
He walks up to three skeletons sitting at a table.<br />
KRYTEN: What a mess you look! Smart but casual. Miss<br />
Anne! Why, you haven't touched your soup! No wonder<br />
you're beginning to look so pasty. Oh, do eat nicely, Miss<br />
Anne! What on earth will the visitors think if they see you<br />
eating like that? Hmm? Ah, Miss Tracy. You look absolutely<br />
perfect.<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT.<br />
LISTER: What's that smell?<br />
RIMMER: I can't smell anything.<br />
LISTER: Are you okay? Your eyes are watering.<br />
RIMMER: It's the excitement. Look, we can't wait for the<br />
cat. Let's just go.<br />
LISTER: Oh, come on, he's been preparing for it a day<br />
and a night. Don't you want to see the result?<br />
CAT: Hi, monkeys! Meet a plastic surgeon's nightmare!<br />
RIMMER: A spacesuit with cufflinks.<br />
LISTER: Where'd ya get the helmet?<br />
CAT: I made it myself. I didn't want to muss up my hair. Hey,<br />
listen, we just gotta make sure we don't pass any mirrors,<br />
'cause if we do, I'm there for the day. Ewww! What's that<br />
smell?<br />
HOLLY: All right, everybody ready? Let's go, then.<br />
page 7
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: What are you doing, Hol? Why are you wearing a<br />
toupee?<br />
HOLLY: What toupee?<br />
LISTER: The one on your head.<br />
HOLLY: Whose head's that, then?<br />
LISTER: Your head. It makes you look like a game show<br />
host.<br />
RIMMER: What's wrong with everyone? Three million years<br />
without a woman and you all act as if you're fourteen years<br />
old. Come on, we can't hang about.<br />
HOLLY: He orde<strong>red</strong> <strong>two</strong> pairs of socks.<br />
LISTER: What for?<br />
HOLLY: One pair to put on his feet and the other pair to<br />
roll up and put down his trousers.<br />
NOVA-5 ENTRYWAY.<br />
KRYTEN: Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you!<br />
RIMMER: What a delightful craft you have. Reminds me<br />
of my first command.<br />
KRYTEN: This way, please. I'm so excited. We all are! The<br />
girls could scarcely stop themselves from jumping up<br />
and down.<br />
RIMMER: Ah ha ha. Carmita, carmita!<br />
KRYTEN: Ah! Vi parolas Espekanton, Kapitano Rimmer?<br />
RIMMER: Uh, come again?<br />
KRYTEN: You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer?<br />
RIMMER: Oh, si, si, si, jawohl, oiu!<br />
NOVA-5 LARGE ROOM.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, here they are.<br />
LISTER: Well... it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it,<br />
Ace?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"<br />
LISTER: I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go<br />
and fix some tea.<br />
RIMMER: I don't believe this. Our first contact with<br />
intelligent life in three million and <strong>two</strong> years and it's the<br />
android version of Norman Bates.<br />
CAT: Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.<br />
LISTER: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time<br />
or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is inc<strong>red</strong>ibly,<br />
inc<strong>red</strong>ibly brave!<br />
RIMMER: Smeg off, dog food face!<br />
LISTER: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!<br />
page 8
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: I'm warning you, Lister!<br />
KRYTEN: Well, is anything the matter?<br />
RIMMER: Anything the matter? They're dead.<br />
KRYTEN: Who's dead?<br />
RIMMER: They are dead. They're all dead.<br />
KRYTEN: My god! Well, I was only away <strong>two</strong> minutes!<br />
RIMMER: They've been dead for centuries!<br />
KRYTEN: No! Are you a doctor?<br />
RIMMER: You've only got to look at them. They've got<br />
less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!<br />
KRYTEN: Well, what am I going to do? I'm programmed<br />
to serve them.<br />
LISTER: I think the first thing we should do is bury them.<br />
KRYTEN: You're that sure they're dead? What about this<br />
one?<br />
RIMMER: There's a simple test. All right, girls, hands up,<br />
those of you who are alive.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, what am I going to do? I can't leave them!<br />
Mister David, please! Take me back!<br />
LISTER: Kryten, you've got to start a new life now.<br />
KRYTEN: I haven't got the software to cope with this. I<br />
was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am. That is my<br />
purpose -- to serve and have no regard for myself.<br />
LISTER: You're beginning to sound like my mum.<br />
KRYTEN: It's all I know.<br />
LISTER: You've got to change, haven't ya? You gotta work<br />
out what you want. Stop being everyone's smeggin'<br />
doormat.<br />
KRYTEN: That's easy for you to say, Mister David.<br />
You're a human.<br />
RIMMER: Only just. Ah, Kryten. Nothing to do, eh? Follow<br />
me.<br />
RED DWARF CORRIDOR.<br />
LISTER: What the smeggin' hell is going on?<br />
KRYTEN: Good afternoon, Mister David, sir.<br />
LISTER: What are these?<br />
KRYTEN: Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.<br />
LISTER: No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend!<br />
What have you done to the place?<br />
KRYTEN: I've done a spot of tidying up.<br />
LISTER: But where is everything? Where's my coffee cup<br />
with the mould in it?<br />
KRYTEN: I threw it away, sir.<br />
LISTER: But I was breeding that mould. His name was<br />
"Albert." I was trying to get him <strong>two</strong> foot high.<br />
page 9
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Why, sir?<br />
LISTER: Because it drives Rimmer nuts and driving<br />
Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.<br />
KRYTEN: I'm sorry, Mister David, sir.<br />
LISTER: Look at ya. What are you doing? Why are you doing<br />
all this?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, serving makes me happy, sir.<br />
LISTER: But what about you? Don't you ever want to do<br />
anything just for yourself?<br />
KRYTEN: Myself? Well, that's a bit of a barmy notion, if<br />
you don't mind my saying so, sir.<br />
LISTER: Come on, there must be something you look<br />
forward to.<br />
KRYTEN: "Androids." "Androids... everybody needs good<br />
androids..."<br />
LISTER: That stupid soap opera? Why?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, because, for half an hour a week, I can<br />
forget I'm me.<br />
LISTER: "Androids?" What else?<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, being asleep.<br />
LISTER: "Androids" and being asleep? Sounds like a crazy,<br />
fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, my old son.<br />
KRYTEN: I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.<br />
LISTER: Yeah, they're called dreams.<br />
KRYTEN: My favorite one is that I'm in a garden. I've<br />
never even seen a garden except in books. And I've planted<br />
everything and made it grow. It's my garden. And there's<br />
no one there except me, just me and all the things I've<br />
made live. Silly.<br />
LISTER: No, it isn't! Find a planet with an atmosphere and<br />
do it.<br />
KRYTEN: I can't. I'm programmed to serve.<br />
LISTER: There's no one to serve, Kryten. That's the<br />
point.<br />
KRYTEN: What about Mister Arnold? I've got to complete<br />
Mister Arnold's tasks.<br />
LISTER: You what?! Rimmer gave you all this?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, Mister Arnold is my master now.<br />
LISTER: "Mister Arnold" isn't his name. His name's<br />
"Rimmer." Or "Smeghead." Or "Dinosaur Breath" or<br />
"Molecule Mind." And on a really special occasion when<br />
you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're<br />
talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you<br />
can call him "Arse-hole."<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS. KRYTEN IS PAINTING A PICTURE OF RIMMER.<br />
page 10
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: I think it will be best on THAT wall, sort of<br />
dominating the room.<br />
LISTER: You're a total Gwendolyn, do you know that,<br />
Kryten?<br />
RIMMER: Leave it alone, Lister. It enjoys doing the task I<br />
give. It makes it happy.<br />
LISTER: Drop dead, Rimmer.<br />
RIMMER: Already have done.<br />
LISTER: Encore!<br />
CAT: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a<br />
cat return a stick? Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get<br />
it, yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you<br />
throw it away in the first place?<br />
LISTER: Kryten, you never got a thing from those movies<br />
I showed you, did ya?<br />
RIMMER: What movies?<br />
KRYTEN: Mister David was kind enough to take me to<br />
see "The Wild Ones," "Easy Rider," and "Rebel Without a<br />
Cause."<br />
LISTER: I thought it might do him some good. Fat<br />
chance! In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech, he<br />
gets out a brush-a-matic and starts doing my lapels!<br />
RIMMER: Well, now, maybe you'll learn, Lister. There's a<br />
natural order to things in life. Some give orders, others<br />
obey. That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's<br />
always going to be. Isn't that true, Kryten?<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, yes, Mister Arnold, sir.<br />
LISTER: "Yes, Mister Arnold..." What's the point?<br />
KRYTEN: I've finished, Mister Arnold, sir.<br />
RIMMER: Excellent, Kryten!<br />
The painting turns out to show Rimmer sitting on a toilet with his<br />
pants down and holding a bog roll.<br />
KRYTEN: I think it's rather good. Don't you, Mister<br />
Arnold, sir?<br />
RIMMER: What are you doing?<br />
KRYTEN: I think I'm rebelling.<br />
RIMMER: Rebelling?!<br />
KRYTEN: Yes, I think that's what I'm doing.<br />
RIMMER: You are rebelling? What are you rebelling<br />
against?<br />
KRYTEN: Whaddya got? Dinosaur Breath! Molecule Mind!<br />
Smeg-for-brains!<br />
page 11
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
VIEW OF SPACE.<br />
Better Than Life<br />
HOLLY: Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red<br />
Dwarf. Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the<br />
only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are<br />
over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.<br />
RED DWARF. LISTER IS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF LIQUID.<br />
LISTER: "For a mild stomach upset take one teaspoonful.<br />
For acute indigestion take <strong>two</strong>."<br />
RIMMER: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.<br />
Obviously you can't expect perfection first time but I was<br />
quite delighted with the way my dumplings went down.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when<br />
they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings,<br />
should not bounce.<br />
RIMMER: True, but compa<strong>red</strong> to what I thought they<br />
were going to be like they were quite superb.<br />
LISTER: So how's the Cat?<br />
RIMMER: He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be<br />
alright. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.<br />
LISTER: The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the<br />
cheese and that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?<br />
RIMMER: I thought you liked that, you brought some back.<br />
LISTER: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot.<br />
RIMMER: It's not easy, Lister, cooking. When you're dead,<br />
when you don't exist, when you're made entirely of light.<br />
LISTER: That's your excuse for everything isn't it -- being<br />
dead?<br />
RIMMER: I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do<br />
the everyday, normal things that most living people take for<br />
granted.<br />
LISTER: You've got the skutters to help you.<br />
RIMMER: What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are<br />
they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.<br />
LISTER: They only do what you tell them to.<br />
RIMMER: But they don't, do they? You say, "Keep an<br />
eye on that lamb," and they do. They sit there for three<br />
hours and watch it burn.<br />
LISTER: So. They've got no emotion, have they? It's not built<br />
into their software.<br />
RIMMER: Have you seen their broom cupboard? It's full of<br />
pin-ups of John Wayne. That cannot be right, can it? Piled<br />
page 12
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
this high with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners<br />
behave in my book.<br />
HOLLY: Oi. What's happening dudes? Guess what?<br />
RIMMER: What?<br />
HOLLY: Go on, have a guess.<br />
RIMMER: What is it vaguely about?<br />
HOLLY: No clues, just have a guess. I knew you wouldn't<br />
get it. Post pod's arrived.<br />
RIMMER: What, the mail?<br />
HOLLY: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now<br />
that we've turned round it's caught up.<br />
LISTER: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years.<br />
HOLLY: Yeah, that's about average for second class post.<br />
MAIL ROOM.<br />
RIMMER: There's everything here, all the mail,<br />
entertainment cassettes, a new batch of movies.<br />
LISTER: Oh! The new Friday the 13th movie -- Friday the<br />
13th part one thousand six hund<strong>red</strong> and forty nine.<br />
RIMMER: Look, Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca!<br />
LISTER: Philistines. I mean, how can you re-make<br />
Casablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter<br />
Beardsley was definitive.<br />
HOLLY: I saw that one -- knockout! "Of all the space bars<br />
on all the worlds you had to re-materialise in mine."<br />
RIMMER: Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news<br />
here.<br />
LISTER: And <strong>two</strong> seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in<br />
the spring.<br />
RIMMER: What are total immersion video games?<br />
LISTER: Where? Oh these are brilliant. You can't get<br />
hold of these for love nor money! These are like Venus's<br />
arms. These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks.<br />
RIMMER: What are they?<br />
LISTER: Well they're computer games, aren't they? But<br />
electrodes are inserted into your frontal lobes and<br />
hypothalamus right? So you actually feel as though you're<br />
really, really there. Yes!<br />
RIMMER: Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's a<br />
video letter.<br />
HOLLY: Bung it on... Strike a light, it's Gordon.<br />
RIMMER: Who's Gordon?<br />
HOLLY: He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard<br />
the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand.<br />
GORDON: Alright, Hol? It's Gordon.<br />
HOLLY: Awesome, his intellect, I'll tell you.<br />
page 13
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
GORDON: I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess<br />
game. My move is Pawn, right -- that's the little knobbly ones<br />
down the front -- Pawn to King four. Your move. Well, I'd<br />
better sign off now. See you, Hol. Bye. How do you turn<br />
this off then?<br />
LISTER: You were playing postal chess with him, were you?<br />
HOLLY: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of<br />
that calibre I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's<br />
a sly one.<br />
LISTER: So who's winning Hol?<br />
HOLLY: Well, he is really. That was the first move.<br />
LISTER IS SORTING OUT THE NEWLY DELIVERED MAIL.<br />
LISTER: Me. Me. Me. You. Me.<br />
RIMMER: It's all junk mail yours, you know. You send off<br />
for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have<br />
some mail to open. (Silly voice) Please rush me my portable<br />
walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even<br />
the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen,<br />
though my IQ isn't.<br />
LISTER: Me. Me. Smeg! "Outland Revenue." Eight thousand<br />
five hund<strong>red</strong>?<br />
RIMMER: Eight thousand five hund<strong>red</strong>? That's a lot of tax<br />
isn't it, Lister? How are you going to pay for that, eh?<br />
LISTER: I'm not. It's yours.<br />
RIMMER: What? No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well<br />
wrong, Lister.<br />
LISTER: Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to<br />
catch you now are they?<br />
RIMMER: What do you mean? Just because we're three<br />
million years into deep space and the human species is extinct.<br />
That means nothing to these people. They'll find us. God,<br />
I'll be worrying about this all the time now.<br />
LISTER: Me. Not another one for you. Rear Admiral<br />
Lieutenant General Rimmer.<br />
RIMMER: That's from my mother.<br />
LISTER: Rear Admiral?<br />
RIMMER: Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's<br />
getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in<br />
Chief of the whole universe.<br />
LISTER: Do you want me to open it? "Dear Rimmer." Is<br />
this from your mum?<br />
RIMMER: That's mumsie!<br />
LISTER: This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle<br />
finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties." You<br />
know maybe I shouldn't be reading this deeply personal<br />
stuff.<br />
RIMMER: Just get on with it.<br />
page 14
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: "I write to--" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to<br />
inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well<br />
of course he is. I can't make it out.<br />
RIMMER: It's dead. My father is dead.<br />
LISTER: What? Oh yeah it's an E. That's what it is. Your<br />
father's dead, Rimmer. Oh, eh -- I'm sorry.<br />
RIMMER: Is that all she says?<br />
LISTER: Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep."<br />
"...sleep."<br />
OBSERVATION DOME.<br />
LISTER: Can't sleep? No, me neither. I remember when my<br />
dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off<br />
everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a<br />
couple more people would die so I could complete my<br />
Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said<br />
he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to<br />
know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and<br />
he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought<br />
they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just<br />
round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down,<br />
you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They<br />
took me to a child psychologist in the end because they<br />
found me with my head down the bowl reading him the<br />
football results.<br />
RIMMER: I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead,<br />
aren't they? Just getting that letter makes it seem like it<br />
happened yesterday.<br />
LISTER: You never said much about him. You must have<br />
been pretty close. Was it very close?<br />
RIMMER: I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts, the<br />
pop-eyed, balding git. He always wanted to join the Space<br />
Corps -- be an officer. But they wouldn't take him because<br />
he was an inch below regulation height. One inch. I had three<br />
brothers. When we were young he bought a traction machine<br />
so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank<br />
was eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure<br />
us and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack.<br />
LISTER: Sounds like he had a screw loose.<br />
RIMMER: I don't think he had one screw fully tightened,<br />
to be perfectly honest with you. He had this fixation that<br />
we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times<br />
he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them<br />
wrong -- no food.<br />
LISTER: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?<br />
RIMMER: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.<br />
LISTER: I had no idea. I thought you ado<strong>red</strong> your parents.<br />
page 15
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: When I was fourteen I divorced them. I took<br />
them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment<br />
age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.<br />
LISTER: So why are you so completely blown away about<br />
him dying then?<br />
RIMMER: Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect<br />
him, didn't look up to him. It was only natural -- he was my<br />
father.<br />
LISTER: There's nothing natural about your family,<br />
Rimmer.<br />
RIMMER: It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for<br />
him to say to me, "well done."<br />
LISTER: For what?<br />
RIMMER: For something, for anything. I wanted him to be<br />
proud of me, just once. And now ...<br />
CAT: Wow! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm<br />
hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just<br />
have to eat.<br />
LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.<br />
CAT: I'd prefer chicken.<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS. RIMMER IS WATCHING THE NEWS TAPE.<br />
NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news on<br />
Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near mount Sinai<br />
have discove<strong>red</strong> what is believed to be a missing page<br />
from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in<br />
Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible<br />
and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters<br />
portrayed within this book are fictitous and any<br />
resemblance to persons living or dead is purely<br />
coincidental." The page has been universally<br />
condemned by church leaders. Europe. A terrorist<br />
representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a fanatical left<br />
wing group dedicated to eliminating the--<br />
CAT: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground<br />
now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's<br />
party time for all the little worms... There's just no<br />
consoling him.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, listen -- me and the Cat were going to<br />
play a T-I-V. We wonde<strong>red</strong> if you wanted to come? Oh,<br />
come on! Holly says he can key you in. No?<br />
NEWSREADER: --middle class, was arrested today. The<br />
man, Henri le Clerque, was attempting to poison the<br />
mineral spring in France which is the source of all the<br />
world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe<br />
the middle class would have been wiped out within three<br />
weeks. Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar<br />
system is the total immersion video game, "Better Than Life."<br />
Using the new senso lock feedback technology, "Better Than<br />
Life" is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and then<br />
page 16
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
make them come true. So great is the appeal of "Better<br />
Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks<br />
rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the<br />
crowd. Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of<br />
Titan--<br />
MAIL ROOM.<br />
LISTER: "Better Than Life," here it is!<br />
RIMMER: Brilliant!<br />
CAT: Let's play! Hee hee hee.<br />
LISTER: What sort of game is this?<br />
RIMMER: It's inc<strong>red</strong>ible. It's just like being here.<br />
Marilyn Monroe waves and walks past.<br />
RIMMER: That's whatshername, the actress from the<br />
20th century. Err, Mary Magdelene.<br />
LISTER: It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. I think she fancies<br />
you.<br />
CAT: What does that prove? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a<br />
little busy right now. I'll catch you later ok?<br />
Rimmer has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs<br />
over to him.<br />
RIMMER: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could<br />
I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator and<br />
I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian<br />
campaign was simply brilliant. Err, could you just sign this for<br />
me. Make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum<br />
Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison.<br />
Errm, we call her Arnie.<br />
LISTER: Napolean Bonaparte's autograph!<br />
GUIDE: Gentlemen! Welcome to "Better Than Life." Well,<br />
you must be hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of<br />
miles down the beach.<br />
LISTER: A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get<br />
there?<br />
GUIDE: Any way you want. After all, this is "Better Than<br />
Life."<br />
LISTER: Any way we want?<br />
A powerful Harley Davidson appears on the beach before them.<br />
RIMMER: I'm thinking too small. Think big!<br />
The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar.<br />
RIMMER: That's more like it.<br />
BTL Jaguar. A woman appears in the seat next to Rimmer.<br />
RIMMER: McGruder! I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra<br />
under that, eh?<br />
MCGRUDER: Yes, I am!<br />
RIMMER: We're only one thing away from perfection.<br />
page 17
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Rimmer concentrates again and fluffy dice appear in the car.<br />
RIMMER: Bliss.<br />
BTL classy restaurant.<br />
CAT: Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us.<br />
GUIDE: Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots<br />
more bread and butter to follow.<br />
LISTER: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat<br />
something as classy as this, you know?<br />
GUIDE: This is "Better Than Life," sir. And yours was the<br />
fish, sir? As orde<strong>red</strong>, sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't<br />
like your fish cooked?<br />
CAT: No, sir! I like my food to move!<br />
BTL restaraunt entry.<br />
GUIDE: Mister Rimmer, sir. They're on table K on the second<br />
terrace.<br />
RIMMER: Excellent. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.<br />
I was driving along and suddenly there was McGruder. Well<br />
one thing led to another and... Good God! This is a great<br />
game! Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh<br />
Heffner!<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, you can touch things!<br />
RIMMER: I know. Why do you think I was so late?<br />
LISTER: Have you checked into your room yet?<br />
RIMMER: What room?<br />
LISTER: I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this<br />
vibrating, leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar.<br />
CAT: Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe.<br />
It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's<br />
three o'clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning<br />
for my socks.<br />
LISTER: But what about my electonic lavvy? I mean this thing<br />
comes when you call it, takes your trousers down, does<br />
everything for you. It's just so stylish.<br />
CAPTAIN: Admiral!<br />
RIMMER: Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity,<br />
gonad brain gimp knows an Admiral, does he have to<br />
broadcast it?<br />
CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends<br />
his compliments and wonders if you would care to join him<br />
for port and cigars.<br />
RIMMER: I think there must be some mistake. I'm not<br />
an Admiral.<br />
Suddenly Rimmer is an Admiral.<br />
RIMMER: I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me.<br />
GUIDE: Dom Perignon '54, sir. In a pint mug, as requested.<br />
LISTER: Thank you, my man. That's a good year.<br />
page 18
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
BTL dining room.<br />
RIMMER: So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually<br />
remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the<br />
most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty putdowns<br />
ever.<br />
CADET: Sir, I know it's a most awful bore but would you<br />
mind just signing this?<br />
RIMMER: What's that, you little pipsqueak? "My Inc<strong>red</strong>ible<br />
Career, by Admiral A. J. Rimmer."<br />
CADET: I've read it eighteen times, sir.<br />
RIMMER: There you go, laddo.<br />
CADET: Oh thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the<br />
academy.<br />
RIMMER: Father. What are you doing here?<br />
RIMMER’S DAD: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your<br />
officer chummies, but I just wanted to tell you -- you're a<br />
total smeghead!<br />
RIMMER: What? This isn't my fantasy!<br />
CAT: No, it's mine.<br />
BTL golf course.<br />
HOLLY: Alright! What's happening, dudes?<br />
CAT: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn<br />
Monroe and I also have another girlfriend who's a mermaid.<br />
She's half woman, half fish.<br />
HOLLY: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top<br />
and a fish on the bottom.<br />
CAT: No! That's a stupid way round.<br />
BTL COUNTRY ROAD. A HEAVILY LOADED SMALL CAR DRIVES INTO<br />
VIEW DOWN A COUNTRY LANE. WE HEAR KIDS SCREAMING AND<br />
SEE RIMMER AT THE WHEEL. THE CAR STOPS, IT SEEMS TO BE IN<br />
TROUBLE. RIMMER AND A WOMAN GET OUT. THEY START<br />
ARGUING. WE SEE THERE ARE SEVERAL KIDS RUNNING AROUND<br />
AND THE WOMAN IS PREGNANT AGAIN.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer! What happened to you?<br />
RIMMER: Lister. Ah this a great game Lister. I couldn't be<br />
happier.<br />
CAT: Who are all those guys?<br />
RIMMER: It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this<br />
morning she made me marry her and this afternoon we had<br />
seven kids. Bliss.<br />
LISTER: Where's your E type?<br />
RIMMER: It was too impractical. With all the kids and<br />
everything.<br />
MCGRUDER: Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?<br />
LISTER: Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and<br />
a mortgage?<br />
page 19
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: Help! My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept<br />
nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising<br />
horribleness.<br />
TAXMAN: Mister Rimmer? Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?<br />
Outland Revenue, sir! This is a demand for immediate<br />
payment.<br />
RIMMER: Eighteen thousand?<br />
TAXMAN: If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed<br />
by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your<br />
thumbs, sir.<br />
RIMMER: What am I going to do? I'm broke.<br />
LISTER: I'll pay. Where's all my money gone?<br />
RIMMER: Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is<br />
getting worse. Help me.<br />
CAT: Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider with big teeth<br />
just crawled up your trouser leg.<br />
RIMMER: I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid<br />
of most in the whole world -- a tarantula crawling up my<br />
trousers.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, this is getting out of hand.<br />
RIMMER: Do you think I don't know that. Ah! He's past my<br />
knee. He's into my boxers.<br />
LISTER: Close your eyes and wish it away.<br />
RIMMER: I can't!<br />
BTL BEACH. THE CREW IS BURIED IN SAND UP TO THEIR NECKS.<br />
CAT: What's he done now?<br />
RIMMER: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.<br />
LISTER: What's going on?<br />
RIMMER: Our faces have been smea<strong>red</strong> with jam and<br />
we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.<br />
CAT: Why?<br />
RIMMER: Why not?<br />
HOLLY: Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you?<br />
LISTER: You've ruined this, Rimmer.<br />
RIMMER: We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all<br />
my fault.<br />
RED DWARF MAIL ROOM.<br />
LISTER: You're a total dinglebat, aren't you?<br />
CAT: Yeah! We were having a great time until you came<br />
along with your diseased brain.<br />
LISTER: You're a bozo!<br />
RIMMER: I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to<br />
me.<br />
page 20
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CAT: Hey, what's that?<br />
LISTER: It's a letter and it's for Rimmer. "Dear Sir, due to a<br />
computer error you were wrongly informed that you had<br />
failed the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with<br />
honours and you are hereby promoted to navigation<br />
officer first class. We enclose your pips and insignia." Smegging<br />
hell! Who said you were a loser, eh? Who said nice things<br />
never happen to you?<br />
TAXMAN: I did!<br />
LISTER: Oh no, we're still in the game!<br />
TAXMAN: You certainly are. Now, what about my<br />
eighteen grand? Come on, it's bone crunching time, my old<br />
china. Now, where's those little thumbies?<br />
page 21
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Thanks for the Memory<br />
HOLLY: Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red<br />
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive;<br />
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a<br />
creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends.<br />
Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and<br />
drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of<br />
Shake n' Vac. Additional additional: Last week we found a<br />
planet with a breathable atmosphere.<br />
THERE APPEARS TO BE A ROCK CONCERT IN PROGRESS.<br />
HOLLY: We're grooving tonight!<br />
LISTER: Hang on everybody, hang on! The sausages are<br />
done.<br />
HOLLY: It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your<br />
cables.<br />
RIMMER: I can't understand it. I've had so much to<br />
drink and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least<br />
bit tiddly.<br />
LISTER: Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then?<br />
CAT: Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire<br />
move better than that!<br />
HOLLY: We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in<br />
a bit.<br />
LISTER: OK then! A toast. Gentlemen, and skutters, we<br />
are gathe<strong>red</strong> here today to celebrate the anniversary of Mr<br />
Arnold Rimmer's death.<br />
RIMMER: Right on,baby.<br />
LISTER: And for this very special occasion I have baked -- a<br />
cake.<br />
HOLLY: What's that then?<br />
LISTER: It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, 'cos he was a<br />
technician.<br />
HOLLY: Well that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a<br />
postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope,I<br />
suppose? It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.<br />
LISTER: To Rimmer!<br />
RIMMER: To me!<br />
ALL: Happy deathday to you! Happy deathday, dear Rimmer!<br />
Happy deathday to you! Show me the way to go home. I'm<br />
ti<strong>red</strong> and I want to go to bed...<br />
RIMMER: Are you sure you're alright to drive this?<br />
LISTER: Yeah. Oops!<br />
ALL: I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate<br />
Rimmer's death.<br />
page 22
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS.<br />
LISTER: What time is it?<br />
RIMMER: Saturday.<br />
LISTER: Is that the best you can do?<br />
RIMMER: There are some numbers next to it, but they<br />
could be anything.<br />
LISTER: Do you know what I fancy right now?<br />
RIMMER: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a<br />
hippo's?<br />
LISTER: No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce<br />
and chutney.<br />
RIMMER: Me too.<br />
LISTER: Well no problem then. Nothing's too good for the<br />
deathday boy.<br />
RIMMER: Correct!<br />
LISTER: Hol, give us something to eat.<br />
HOLLY: You what? I'm jigge<strong>red</strong>,man.<br />
LISTER: Oh come on. You don't sleep.<br />
HOLLY: Course I do. I've got to offline. I can't keep up my<br />
full tilt, full power, <strong>red</strong> hot, maximum pace all the time.<br />
I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?<br />
RIMMER: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with ...<br />
LISTER: With chili sauce and chutney.<br />
HOLLY: You what?<br />
LISTER: It's a state of the art sarny.<br />
HOLLY: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.<br />
Alright, OK.<br />
Rimmer holds up his hand and the discussed food item appears in it.<br />
Rimmer takes a bite and a joyful expression is seen on his face.<br />
RIMMER: I feel like I'm having a baby!<br />
LISTER: It's good, innit?<br />
RIMMER: It's inc<strong>red</strong>ible. Where did you get the recipe<br />
from?<br />
LISTER: I can't remember. I think it was a book on<br />
bacteriological warfare.<br />
RIMMER: It's like a cross between food and bowel<br />
surgery.<br />
LISTER: It's well naughty. The trouble is you've got to eat it<br />
before the bread dissolves.<br />
RIMMER: I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister.<br />
You see, all the ing<strong>red</strong>ients are wrong. The fried eggs: wrong;<br />
the chutney: wrong. The chili sauce: all wrong. But put them<br />
together and somehow it works. It becomes right. It's you --<br />
this sandwich, Lister, is you.<br />
LISTER: What are you saying to me, Rimmer?<br />
RIMMER: You're wrong, right? All your ing<strong>red</strong>ients are<br />
wrong. You're slobby, you've got no sense of discipline,<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
you're the only man ever to get his money back from the<br />
Odour Eater people, but people like you, don't you see?<br />
That's why you're a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Now me<br />
... all the ing<strong>red</strong>ients are right. I'm disciplined, I'm organised,<br />
I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result?<br />
Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's<br />
parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why is<br />
that?<br />
LISTER: I suppose it's because you ARE a total smeghead.<br />
RIMMER: But I'm not! I'm a nice guy -- I'm a goodie.<br />
LISTER: No, Rimmer, see, the trouble is you've never got<br />
time for people. You're too busy trying to be successful. It's<br />
all midnight revision and up, up, up the ziggurat lickety spit.<br />
RIMMER: I have got time for people. What about all the<br />
time I spent licking up to Todhunter even though he was a<br />
total gimp? And Captain Hollister? Mr fat bastard 2044. I<br />
went out of my way to simp around him.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, that's not having time for people.<br />
RIMMER: Do you know how many times in my entire life I<br />
made love?<br />
LISTER: No, and I don't want to know.<br />
RIMMER: I want to tell you. I am going to tell you.<br />
LISTER: Listen, Rimmer. If you tell me, you'll wake up in the<br />
morning. You'll have your hangover and you'll feel like<br />
death and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the<br />
mirror and you'll remember and you'll go, "Ahahahahah!" See,<br />
it's not worth it, I don't want to know and believe me you<br />
don't want to tell me.<br />
RIMMER: Once.<br />
LISTER: Smeg!<br />
RIMMER: One time only.<br />
LISTER: Don't tell me this, Rimmer. You'll want to kill<br />
yourself in the morning.<br />
RIMMER: Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liaison with the<br />
ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth, seven<br />
thirty one PM to seven forty three PM. Twelve minutes. And<br />
that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. In my entire<br />
life I have spent more time being sick.<br />
LISTER: So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet.<br />
RIMMER: No, I haven't, Lister. I haven't met the right girl<br />
and some just might say, given the fact that the human<br />
race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have<br />
passed on, some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit<br />
on the late side.<br />
LISTER: Well you made a decision, didn't you? I mean you<br />
chose your career over your personal life.<br />
RIMMER: Yes, I did. I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there<br />
from Mr fried egg, chili, chutney, sandwich face. Well, I'll tell<br />
you something, Lister. I'll tell you something. I'd trade it all<br />
in -- all of it. My pips, my long-service medals, my swimming<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
certificates, my telescope, my shoe trees. I'd trade everything<br />
in to be loved and to have been loved. (starts singing in a<br />
pathetic kind of way) I'm a little lamb, lost in the wood, maybe I<br />
could, really be good, with someone to watch over me…<br />
That was going to be our song. But I never found anyone to<br />
share it with. So now it's just MY song.<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS. THE NEXT MORNING.<br />
LISTER: Ah, my foot! I must have gone to sleep on it!<br />
RIMMER: Gah! you were really putting it away last night,<br />
Lister. You really fell for my joke, didn't you? Ah, that<br />
McGruder gag -- fancy falling for that, eh? … I'll give you my<br />
telescope, anything. Please god, don't tell anyone.<br />
Lister pulls away the blanket. He discovers that his foot is in plaster.<br />
LISTER: Have you done that?<br />
RIMMER: When did you do that?<br />
LISTER: I didn't! I just went to bed and I've woken up with<br />
this.<br />
RIMMER: When did you finish the jigsaw?<br />
LISTER: I didn't.<br />
HOLLY: Who's been messing with my star charts? Here<br />
I am trying to do the comprehensive, nay, definitive A-Z of<br />
the entire universe with street names, post offices, and little<br />
steeples and everything and some git's been fiddling with it.<br />
LISTER: It's not us!<br />
CAT: OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this?<br />
Cat puts a foot on the table and points at it. It is also in plaster.<br />
HOLLY: Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for<br />
everything. With the possible exception of little Jimmy<br />
Osmond.<br />
RIMMER: Who?<br />
LISTER: Hang on, today's Sunday, right?<br />
RIMMER: So?<br />
LISTER: Well, this clock says, "Thursday," and that clock<br />
says, "Thursday."<br />
CAT: And my foot says, "Get the person who did this to my<br />
foot."<br />
LISTER: Four pages have been torn out of my diary.<br />
RIMMER: Somehow we've lost the last four days.<br />
CAT: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's<br />
nearly always there.<br />
RIMMER: Aliens!<br />
CAT: What are you talking about, grease stain?<br />
RIMMER: It's a well documented phenomenon. They<br />
kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory,<br />
and put you back.<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: OK, aliens came aboard.<br />
RIMMER: Without question.<br />
LISTER: They broke my leg.<br />
RIMMER: For some reason.<br />
CAT: They broke MY leg.<br />
HOLLY: And then they did a jigsaw. Well, that's clea<strong>red</strong><br />
that up then.<br />
RIMMER: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what<br />
aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are alien.<br />
Maybe this is the way they communicate.<br />
CAT: By breaking legs?<br />
LISTER: And doing jigsaws?<br />
RIMMER: Why should they speak the way we do? They're<br />
aliens.<br />
LISTER: OK, professor, what does it mean?<br />
RIMMER: Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel."<br />
They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," get it? They do it<br />
twice -- twice, "<strong>two</strong>." "Hello <strong>two</strong>." And the jigsaw must mean<br />
"you." "Hello to you."<br />
CAT: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these<br />
suckers is making a speech!<br />
LISTER: Hang on -- the black box. Holly, the black box will<br />
have recorded everything, won't it?<br />
HOLLY: Yeah, hang on -- I'll fish it out. It's gone! It's been<br />
half-inched. Wait a minute, let me think about this. It gives<br />
off a signal. We can trace it.<br />
BLUE MIDGET.<br />
LISTER: It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you.<br />
RIMMER: Nothing yet.<br />
LISTER: This is impossible. It could be anywhere. It's like<br />
trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.<br />
RIMMER: Look! Down there on that moon.<br />
LISTER: Are you getting a picture now?<br />
RIMMER: Yeah, but the quality's terrible. It's like watching<br />
Spanish television.<br />
CAT: What the hell is that?<br />
LISTER: Start the engines, warm her up. Keep her ticking<br />
over, yeah?<br />
RIMMER: What is it?<br />
LISTER: It's a footprint the size of a surfboard.<br />
CAT: I don't believe the size of these feet. Can you imagine<br />
the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable<br />
shoes?<br />
LISTER: I wonder if it's true what they say about the size<br />
of your feet? I mean, if it is this guy could probably go to a<br />
fancy dress party as a petrol pump.<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: I think you should come back.<br />
LISTER: There's more of them. They lead round this<br />
corner.<br />
RIMMER: So, a surfboard-foot sized monster came aboard,<br />
did a jigsaw, drained our memories and broke a couple of<br />
legs. So what? "Forgive and forget" is what I say.<br />
LISTER: This I don't believe! It's a gravestone. "To the<br />
memory of Lise Yates."<br />
RIMMER: Who's Lise Yates?<br />
LISTER: You're not going to believe this, but I used to go<br />
out with a girl called Lise Yates. It's only shallow, the black<br />
box is buried in the grave.<br />
They open the box and remove the recording.<br />
HOLLY: Right, it's loaded.<br />
LISTER: Well, play it.<br />
HOLLY: Nice looking bloke.<br />
TAPE: I don't know whether anyone will ever find this, but if<br />
they do and it's you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it.<br />
Some things are best left buried.<br />
LISTER: Why have you frozen him, Hol?<br />
HOLLY: You heard what he said. Knows what he's talking<br />
about, that dude.<br />
LISTER: Come on, Hol, from Saturday night.<br />
Holly plays the recording and Rimmer appears telling Lister how many<br />
times in his life he's made love.<br />
RIMMER: Yes, well we all remember this bit. Spin on!<br />
CAT: (silently) How many? (Lister laughs and holds up one finger)<br />
CAT: That many?<br />
RED DWARF CORRIDOR.<br />
CAT: This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my<br />
third favourite thing! And you come and wake me up this<br />
time of night. What is this place?<br />
LISTER: It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room<br />
that creates Rimmer.<br />
CAT: Have we come to blow this room up?<br />
LISTER: Look, those are his dreams and everything there.<br />
Look, that's what he's dreaming right at the moment. I'm<br />
going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get.<br />
CAT: What are you doing with that?<br />
LISTER: I'm recording my memory.<br />
CAT: Your entire memory?<br />
LISTER: Yeah, everything. Everywhere I've been, everything<br />
I've learnt, my entire knowledge. (The words LOADING<br />
COMPLETE come up almost instantly.) Right, that's it. I'm going<br />
to give Rimmer a love affair. I'm going to take eight months<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
out of my memory and I'm going to paste it into his. So<br />
everything that's happened to me he's going to think<br />
happened to him.<br />
CAT: You're going to give him one of your old girlfriends?<br />
LISTER: I'm going to give him Lise Yates.<br />
Lister presses more keys and they stare at the screen. A pretty<br />
woman is on screen running and laughing. She dives to the ground.<br />
YATES: God, I love you Dave, I love you so much.<br />
LISTER: A few minor adjustments.<br />
YATES: God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much.<br />
LISTER: And that's it.<br />
CAT: And when he wakes up he'll think all this happened to<br />
him?<br />
LISTER: Yeah, the whole eight months.<br />
CAT: Man, that's a fine present. He was probably only<br />
expecting a tie.<br />
Some time later Lister walks into the room to see Rimmer dancing.<br />
LISTER: You're in a good mood.<br />
RIMMER: Why not, Listy? When life's so good?<br />
LISTER: Why is life so good?<br />
RIMMER: You wouldn't understand, Lister, you've never<br />
been in love.<br />
LISTER: I have!<br />
RIMMER: Oh, not real love, Lister, not like I have. Not<br />
fireworks-in-the-sky, from-here-to-eternity, rolling-naked-onthe-beach<br />
kind of love. Not like me and Lise.<br />
LISTER: So, who's Lise?<br />
RIMMER: Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was<br />
absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know.<br />
LISTER: Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself.<br />
RIMMER: All I'm saying is, from now on call me "Tiger."<br />
LISTER: An old girlfriend, was she? Tiger.<br />
RIMMER: What a crazy, crazy year that was. The first<br />
three months I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance<br />
course. Then for absolutely no reason I suddenly moved to<br />
Liverpool. I drank too much, I smoked too much, I became a<br />
total slob. I met Lise, of course. I even started to eat my own<br />
toenail clippings. My tastes in music radically changed. I<br />
stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank.<br />
Crazy!<br />
LISTER: Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit<br />
crazy.<br />
RIMMER: It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but<br />
yet I started to treat her really badly.<br />
LISTER: No, you didn't!<br />
RIMMER: I did! I started to give her some wishy-washy<br />
twaddle about not wanting to get tied down.<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: But you were young! You didn't want to settle<br />
down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh.<br />
RIMMER: But I hate bumming around and having a laugh.<br />
LISTER: But that's what you're like when you're young.<br />
RIMMER: But I wasn't like that when I was young, so why<br />
did I say those things?<br />
LISTER: But, I mean, she wanted you to have a career.<br />
RIMMER: That's what I'd always dreamt of, so why did I<br />
finish it with her?<br />
LISTER: Because, you wanted to play the field.<br />
RIMMER: That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field. I<br />
told her that. I must have been mad. She was great and she<br />
thought I was great.<br />
LISTER: Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.<br />
RIMMER: She was a lover and a friend.<br />
LISTER: And beautiful.<br />
RIMMER: Gorgeous.<br />
LISTER: Great sense of humour.<br />
RIMMER: Terrific.<br />
LISTER: The sex was fantastic.<br />
RIMMER: Amazing sex.<br />
LISTER: Brilliant sex. Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex! The<br />
way she used to… Oh...<br />
RIMMER: Lister! How do you know?<br />
LISTER: I'm just having a guess.<br />
BLUE MIDGET. THE CREW ARE WATCHING THE RECORDING.<br />
RIMMER: (on tape) Kindly don't. No one will ever know<br />
how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates<br />
was.<br />
RIMMER: How could you do this to me? It's the most<br />
heartbreakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune<br />
to witness.<br />
LISTER: Look, I'm sorry, man. I mean, obviously I thought<br />
I was doing you a favour.<br />
HOLLY: What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken<br />
legs, and Godzilla-size footprints, eh?<br />
RED DWARF CORRIDOR. WE GO INTO FLASHBACK AGAIN.<br />
RIMMER: Right, smeg brain, prepare to die! I found the<br />
letters.<br />
LISTER: What letters?<br />
RIMMER: Don't give me "What letters?" The letters. You<br />
went out with Lise Yates too. I found the letters she sent you.<br />
All the time she was going out with me she must have been<br />
seeing you as well, behind my back. And what is more,<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
to pour salt into the wound, you used to take her to the<br />
exact same places I used to take her and do the exact same<br />
things.<br />
LISTER: Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.<br />
RIMMER: That woman is unbelievable. We spent a night in a<br />
hotel in Southport and made love six times. According to<br />
her letter you were in the exact same hotel and you made<br />
love six times too. Twelve times a night? What is wrong with<br />
the woman? She's sex mad! It's a good job you were there. If<br />
I'd been on my own I'd have been dead within a week.<br />
But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me.<br />
LISTER: Listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the<br />
same time.<br />
RIMMER: Come on, I've checked the dates.<br />
LISTER: She wasn't going out with you at all.<br />
RIMMER: She didn't go out with me at all?<br />
LISTER: No, you've never even met her.<br />
RIMMER: Is that the best you can do, Lister? That's<br />
below feeble.<br />
LISTER: I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I<br />
gave you eight months of my memory. It was a present.<br />
RIMMER: You gave me eight months of your memory, as a<br />
present? That's why I was an orphan, even though my<br />
parents were alive. That's why I had my appendix out... twice.<br />
LISTER: I thought it was what you needed.<br />
RIMMER: You've destroyed me, Lister. The woman I loved<br />
most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you.<br />
CAT: You should have bought him a tie.<br />
OBSERVATION DOME.<br />
LISTER: Come on, Rimmer, you've experienced love. It<br />
made you more confident, more secure.<br />
RIMMER: It didn't happen. I never even met her.<br />
LISTER: It did happen. I mean, you fell in love with her in a<br />
way I never did. She's yours now and nothing can take her<br />
away from you.<br />
RIMMER: That time she stuck her tongue down my ear.<br />
It wasn't my ear at all -- it was your ear. The woman I loved<br />
most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. The<br />
most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a<br />
Johnson's baby bud.<br />
LISTER: Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a<br />
love affair, right? Which was wonderful, yeah? And for<br />
some reason that you can't understand it all went hideously<br />
wrong. Well, so what? Join the club, bucko. It's just you,<br />
me, and everybody else in the world.<br />
RIMMER: I don't want to feel like this any more.<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> season <strong>two</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: So you're in pain, I know, but Rimmer, if you go<br />
through life without feeling, if you go through life never<br />
experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish. No better<br />
than a bank manager.<br />
RIMMER: I don't want this feeling any more. I want my<br />
own memory back.<br />
LISTER: OK. I'll erase the last four days. The incident will<br />
never have happened.<br />
RIMMER: But you'll know about it!<br />
LISTER: Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday too.<br />
RIMMER: And the Cat's and Holly's.<br />
LISTER: Fine, if they agree.<br />
RIMMER: And what about the black box?<br />
LISTER: I'll destroy it.<br />
RIMMER: It's indestructible.<br />
LISTER: OK, I'll shoot it off into space.<br />
RIMMER: Someone might find it.<br />
LISTER: OK. We'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet,<br />
yeah?<br />
page 31