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General information: Conflict As Our Teacher
Posted by: Nyxks on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 02:09 AM
by Karen L. Scheel
The nature of every relationship is to present us with challenges that are important for our
spiritual growth. Learning to be in right relationship with the world in which we live and
ourselves is the primary reason that we as human beings exist. Sharing our lives with others
is a life long journey that requires skill. Each and every human being has differences and
difference is always going to be a part of every relationship. The difference between relationships that
work and those that don't is how well people deal with the conflictive challenges that are bound to come
up.
We all have our own unique way of thinking, feeling, seeing and expressing ourselves. Too many of us
tend to assume that we know when our knowledge is rarely complete, as everything is always in a
constant state of flux and change. Many of us often become very emotional and/or angry when we
experience people with values and beliefs that differ from our own. If we are not able to accept the
incompleteness within our limited knowledge then conflict as our teacher always arises. It is born to
make us more aware of how we are responding to the differences at any given point in time.
At the core, conflict is often about unhealthy psychological needs from the past that have not been
resolved. When these unmet needs surface, we tend to react in a defensive and self-protective manner.
We usually do not give any benefit of doubt, because we are putting our energy into reliving these
unhealthy negative experiences in our mind. This enables us to justify our inability to exercise
self-control and lash out.
In reality people can not know instinctively what another may want and need. Therefor, we must break
the cycle of lashing out and placing blame, and stop finding fault. It always takes two to make or break
any relationship and no one person can ever be completely responsible for what is right or what is wrong.
However, we are always responsible for maintaining our own behavior when our 'buttons' are being
pushed. In order to have our wants, needs and expectations met we must learn how to communicate
them.
Lashing out either verbally or physically is a form of abuse that usually stems from our need to control
and have power over a situation. Our own thoughts, our own attitudes, and our own actions are the only
things that we can have total control over. When an individual or a country uses any act of violence or
abuse it is a very serious statement that things are not in right relationship. We must all learn to move
beyond the boundaries of a singular point of view to reach mutual understanding, because it is only
through understanding that we may begin the process of healing our world and ourselves.
Conflict is a gift that challenges us to stretch and open our minds so that we may learn how to
communicate and understand the differences. Being in right relationship is a process of learning how to
demonstrate respect and communicate effectively. Being completely honest - saying what we mean and
meaning what we say is at the heart of good communication. Good communication starts with good
listening. Good listening is a balance between head (thinking) and heart (feeling).
Truly understanding another perspective requires listening. We can not speak and listen at the same time.
Listening requires silence so that we may begin to hear without judgment. It is a dance of "giving and
receiving". Rather than allowing our mind to react emotionally, we make a choice to exercise discipline.
We suspend our point of view - our judgment - our feelings so that we may validate the psychological
needs and feelings of another, regardless of whether or not we agree.
Respecting the need for silence while another is communicating gives space for each person to explore
his or her thoughts and feelings more deeply. In this space both are able to choose their words more
carefully so that they may express their opinions in a positive way. Respecting the need to listen enables
us to receive (hear) something that may spark us to move "out of the box" that our normal "in the box"
way of thinking may have never thought of before. When we learn to validate and appreciate differences,
we usually open to new ideas and ways of being in our world. And, when we open to differences healing
change is possible....
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