"Puss and Boots Succumb Again! / Puss and Boots Meet ... - Dyna Flix

"Puss and Boots Succumb Again! / Puss and Boots Meet Their End!"
by
Don Cortier
PO Box 2901
South Bend, IN 46680
dynahunk@dyna-flix.com

INTRO/THEME
Channel switch to a show in progress, introduced by a
thoroughly tacky ’70s/’80s Saturday-morning t.v. cartoon
graphic: a grasshopper dressed like a Bible salesman
("Hopper") shares one side of the illustration with a
Vietnam-vet dragonfly ("Chopper"), while generic DareDolls
fight for display space with "Spazzam," a square-cut and
clearly corny throwback to the old cliffhanger serials.
NARRATOR
We now return to the All-New
SuperBabes with Hopper and Chopper
Fun-tastic Span-blastic Adventure
Hour with Special Appearance by
CrapJac Studios’ Spazzam!
The usual montage/snappy theme song follows.
(Lyrics to come.)
Titlecard: "Puss and Boots Succumb Again!"
OPEN SESAME
Puss and Boots--two sexily attired crimefightresses-seemingly
leap into frame from nowhere, a "hi hat" camera
angle obscuring just how far they’ve jumped.
BOOTS
If the CrimeComp is correct, the
Jack of Ruby’s diamonds are hidden
somewhere in this old warehouse.
They and the camera move in toward a gatekeeper: a giant
cyclops statue, straight from some fair.
PUSS
I don’t like the looks of this
thing, Boots. What is it?
BOOTS
It’s a cyclops, Puss. No doubt it’s
the sphinx-like protector of this
old abandoned magic factory.
Suddenly, it jerks to life with rusty-metal sfx accompaniment.
What am I?
THE CYCLOPS

PUSS
(slamming her fist
into her palm)
It’s an existential conundrum!
BOOTS
No, Puss. He’s asking us a riddle.
Let him finish!
THE CYCLOPS
(clears throat and continues)
Man walks over and man walks under
and--in times of war--he burns
asunder me. What am I?
BOOTS
Are you a bridge?
They are met with a long silence from the Cyclops, which
seems to go into hibernation like a dormant unused computer,
thanks to some appropriate sfx and the rolling downward of
its eye.
EQUIPMENT CHECK
BOOTS
(to Puss)
I think it’s a bridge.
PUSS
This could only be the work of
Scandalabra. His next gossip column
will no doubt paint us as clueless
bimbos.
BOOTS
I bet the answer was, "You are a
cyclops." Let’s try that next time.
PUSS
Right! But for now, let’s just
break in like we always do.
The duo back-crawl into the warehouse through a tunnel. They
stand, adjusting their costumes and brushing off themselves
(and each other).
2.

PUSS
Normally we short-circuit the alarm
to get the drop on our "nemesiseses,"
but they always seem to ensnare us
anyway, Boots. Let’s trick them by
not doing the obvious.
BOOTS
Yeah! They’ll never expect the
unexpected!
PUSS
Wait! If we get split up, we’ll
need to be able to find each other.
BOOTS
Right! Let’s put on our homing devices.
They tape wires to each other’s legs, hidden by their boots.
PUSS
Are these new tights, Boots? They
feel silkier.
BOOTS
Hand-washing keeps them in top
condition, girlfriend. Try it
sometime. Now let’s see who’s
waiting at the other end of this maze.
They run down the usual hallways, but wind up right back at
the switch box.
SPLOOGE-GASSED!
PUSS
I think this is where we came in.
BOOTS
Let’s take the same route, but make
left turns where we would normally
turn right.
PUSS
That’s some kind of plan. We sure
could try it!
Cut to the Peepers, ready for anyone. An alarm sounds.
3.

CHAD
That sounds like our new sensory
sensor alarm, Larry. It can smell
superbabe spandex from fifty paces.
Those foolish sex-dolls may even be
wearing homing devices. That would
definitely tip it off.
LARRY
We’ve got company, then. So let’s
show them a little Peeper Brothers
hospitality.
CHAD
(holds up a big
squirt gun)
Are we talking splooge gas? That
ought to put them on ice, and nicely!
Pan to reveal the Daredolls at the other end of the hall,
listening in.
PUSS
Funny you should mention ice, you
felonious fiends, because like so
many scofflaws, you’re going to
wind up on it.
BOOTS
Yeah. You’re going to wind up on ice!
PUSS
Thanks for that, Boots. My imagery
was a little too subtle.
BOOTS
Don’t mention it, Puss. That’s why
we’re partners!
They hug, while the Peepers look disgusted.
CHAD
Far be it from us to chill such a
heart-warming moment, but Larry and
I have a plan that’ll stiffen your
nipples...permanently!
PUSS
Not tonight, unless you can pull it
off from behind prison walls!
Puss and Boots pull out handcuffs and advance on the Peepers;
the funnier their advance (silly walk), the better. They hit
a slick spot and stumble, unable to stand.
4.

LARRY
Hey, Chad! It looks like these two
could use some skating lessons. Or
at least some not-falling-down lessons.
CHAD
Your predictability is once again
your downfall, damsels! We’ve
coated that section of the floor
with super-slick massage oil!
LARRY
Hey! Have you been raiding my
medicine cabinet?
CHAD
I’ll get those pills back to you
just as soon as I’m done taking
them, Larry, but for now, could we
please stay focused?
LARRY
(turns to the duo as
he pulls out a gun)
Did someone say "splooge gun" fun?
CHAD
Such noble gas!
With their guns, the Peepers pump suds onto the hapless
heroines’ faces. They pass out cold.
LARRY
I thought you said "gas." How was
that gas?
CHAD
It’s gas, alright...in solid form.
How else could we spurt it into the
unsuspecting sweet pusses of
superbabes like these two?
LARRY
We’ll argue about physics, later,
but first let’s get these two prize
packages into position for a proper
unwrapping.
CHAD
Ahhhhh. Who said, "Christmas comes
only once a year?"
The Peepers carry away their prey.
5.

WIRE SPOOL/LETHAL GAS
In a basement, the Peepers tie up a still-sleeping Puss as
an already bound but conscious Boots waits in the wings.
He gags her.
CHAD
Be sure to tie her tight. Once this
room fills with gas, she’ll be full
of fight.
LARRY
No, she’ll be full of gas. Like a
businessman on holiday in Reno.
BOOTS
You’re both full of hot air.
CHAD
You’d be wise to keep that pretty
mouth of yours shut, Boots, but
then, we both know that’s not possible.
LARRY
I’ve got a gag that says otherwise!
CHAD
That’s really puttin’ a sock in it!
Now let’s wind things up for our
suddenly silent little sauce-pot.
LARRY
Or maybe it will wind her up!
Chad grabs one end of Boots, and Larry the other. They carry
her out.
Puss wakes, alone. She hears an engine start up outside.
A van backs up to the basement window; a hose is lowered to
the basement floor; gas seeps from it. Puss’s eyes go wide
with the realization that she’s trapped.
Meanwhile, the Peepers lash Boots to something resembling a
barbecue spit.
6.

CHAD
Nice work, Larry. It kind of makes
you wonder, though: Did Boots’s
daily horoscope say anything about
her being crushed in the coils of a
high-intensity cable spooler?
LARRY
Maybe it said, "You will be all
tied up today."
CHAD
I like mine better.
Boots mumbles through her gag.
Chad removes her gag.
CHAD
Let’s get her opinion.
LARRY
Yeah. Take it off. All the better
to hear her screams!
Well?
CHAD
BOOTS
I wasn’t saying anything. I merely
tricked you into removing that gag
by taking advantage of a vulnerable
moment.
CHAD
Well, now it’s our turn to take
advantage of you, Daredoll, because
this couldn’t possibly be a more
vulnerable moment.
BOOTS
A true gentleman would never take
advantage of a lady.
LARRY
We ain’t no gentleman, and you
ain’t no lady!
BOOTS
Chivalry really is dead, then.
CHAD
Enough chit chat, Daredoll. Have
you any last words for posterity?
7.

BOOTS
Only this, you grinning devils:
"Torture never tested the mettle of
a maiden true!"
LARRY
That sounds like that speech
Laurence Olivier made at the Oscars
that sounded great but really
didn’t mean anything.
CHAD
A tale full of sound and fury,
Larry, signifying nothing. Now
let’s wrap up this tragedy!
They wind her on "the spool," the cable taut as it binds her
from her ankles to her thighs.
Meanwhile, Puss coughs and struggles, the gas swirling all
around her.
THE POINTLESS RECAP
DEATHTRAP RESUMES
NARRATOR
Perhaps your dear narrator is
losing what’s left of his mind, but
did we really just see the
following?: The Delicious Daredolls,
dominated in a deeply diabolical
donnybrook? Gassed with garish goop?
Wound in a loop? Sopped in the soup?
The answers in just one short moment!
Puss and Boots continue to groan and grind as we cross-cut
between their dilemmas.
PUSS
(to herself)
I’m getting so sleepy. If I can
just...make it!
8.

STAY TUNED
BOOTS
(also to herself)
It’s like being stuck in the coils
of a hungry cobra! I can actually
feel my ribcage collapsing under
the pressure! Uh! This is not going
to be pleasant!
NARRATOR
I’ve seen some pretty twisted
deathtraps during my tenure as
narrator, dear viewer, but this is
a pretty fresh twist on an old
dilemma. Will Boots be crushed
under pressure like a walnut in a
vise? Is Puss about to go beddy-bye,
never to return to wakey-wakey land?
As preposterous as it sounds, I’d
like to think that hope will
prevail for both. So don’t miss our
next exciting episode, "Puss and
Boots Meet Their End!"
9.