10.infotainment - hunter gatherer.pdf - Intellect
10.infotainment - hunter gatherer.pdf - Intellect
10.infotainment - hunter gatherer.pdf - Intellect
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20<br />
HUNTER<br />
GATHERER<br />
<strong>hunter</strong><br />
<strong>gatherer</strong><br />
BECAUSE EVERY THING HAS A STORY<br />
FUNNY BUSINESS<br />
FOUND BY LUKE LIVESEY<br />
Goose found this in a previously unexplored<br />
room, which he’d gained access to with the aid<br />
of a set of bolt cutters and a spanner known as<br />
King Dick. He yelled, “Awwww, Treasure!” and<br />
proceeded to offer me this book entitled ‘150<br />
Comedy Props’. It describes how to build props<br />
for old-time music hall comedy acts. Gags such<br />
as ‘The Third Leg’, ‘Obliging Trousers’ and<br />
‘Instant Midget’ are now going to be in my<br />
party piece repertoire for years to come.<br />
I discovered the bookmark between two of the<br />
pages. It’s a Polaroid of a guy in his fifties,<br />
dressed as a clown, inside of the derelict building.<br />
My first reaction was ‘JESUS! This guy is a<br />
fucking psycho!’ I reconsidered. He’s more likely<br />
to be a nice guy, who enjoys making people<br />
laugh with the comedy props that he has lovingly<br />
constructed. I can just picture him now,<br />
performing one of those gags, “Ankle<br />
socks…the latest fashion…no feet, just ankles!”<br />
Screw it. He’s gonna eat your baby.<br />
decode november / december<br />
STAR F***ER<br />
FOUND BY MR.G<br />
I found this little treasure while on my daily trip<br />
to the post office. Discarded and peering flirtingly<br />
from the corner of the room, I couldn't<br />
help but rescue this bizarre artefact from certain<br />
shredded death. With tongue firmly in<br />
cheek, this birthday card delivers on all fronts.<br />
Humorous, alluring 'look-inside' appeal and<br />
frighteningly garish in its presentation, the<br />
recipient of this particular message must have<br />
been tickled and /or aroused at its suggestiveness.<br />
'Dear Gerry' it reads, 'here's hoping you<br />
have a good one and enjoy the surprise! love<br />
from the gang'. What I like about this message<br />
is its open-endedness and non-gender specific<br />
main character. Gerry could be both guy or gal.<br />
The writing is a scrawlish mess. Are the gang<br />
15- or 30-year-olds? What fun and games have<br />
this gang got up to in their time, and what on<br />
earth was Gerry's surprise?<br />
Sadly, I'll never know the answers to these<br />
questions, but sadder still is the fact that the<br />
card was left behind by Gerry. Opened hastily,<br />
chucked and forgotten. Hell, he/she didn't even<br />
bother to scratch the star off the front, thus<br />
revealing the punchline, eliciting merriment and<br />
bringing order to the universe. Maybe, like me,<br />
Gerry felt like the punchline could never live up<br />
to the anticipation. Could never fulfil all of his<br />
expectations. There are some things, after all,<br />
that are best left to the imagination.<br />
(any ideas for what lies beneath?<br />
send them to editor@decodepublishing.com)
21<br />
HUNTER<br />
GATHERER<br />
SEND YOUR HUNTED & GATHERED MATERIAL TO:<br />
DECODE MAGAZINE<br />
THE BOAT HOUSE, PULTENEY WEIR, BATH BA2 6PW<br />
E-MAIL TEXT TO EDITOR@DECODEPUBLISHING.COM<br />
(WE PROMISE WITH HANDS ON HEARTS TO RETURN ALL SUBMISSIONS)<br />
ROCK N’ SCRAWL<br />
FOUND BY JAKE WEBB<br />
Who is Fran? Did someone give him or her this<br />
rock? And if so, did Fran lose it and is now feeling<br />
bad and ashamed? Or did Fran not want<br />
anything to do with it, and tossed it back into<br />
Hedgemead Park? Maybe someone meant to<br />
give Fran the rock, but lost it on the way to<br />
Fran’s house, and bought Fran a Kinder Egg<br />
instead. Maybe someone came up with a better<br />
idea, chucked the rock away, took Fran to the<br />
cinema, something funny, and they’re now on<br />
holiday on the Isle of Wight. He or she’s going<br />
to propose to Fran tonight. He or she’s feeling<br />
pretty nervous. I hope Fran says yes. Either<br />
that or the rock was meant to be for Frank, and<br />
Frank’s girl ran out of space, and went to find a<br />
bigger rock. It’d be a shame. She made the<br />
heart on the back look so nice!<br />
SWEET KREMES<br />
FOUND BY MARTIN TOMPKINS<br />
One of my co-travellers was always talking about<br />
how good a Krispy Kreme donut was on his last<br />
visit to the States. Deciding to find a store, we<br />
taunted each other over who was going to eat<br />
the most doughnuts, turning off at the city of<br />
Tallahassee, north Florida. According to a report<br />
in an American newspaper, the better the economy,<br />
the greater the doughnut consumption. We<br />
arrived at the shop at 5:30pm. No one waiting to<br />
be served. Not even a police car parked out<br />
front. Opening the door of the "Kremery" we<br />
were greeted by a monstrous machine producing<br />
hot doughnuts. Then the smell hit us. Written on<br />
a board above the counter, "5 dollars for 12".<br />
Hatted with a box of 12, we returned to our vehicle<br />
stopping once for a photograph. We must<br />
have looked like cake tourists, carrying powdered<br />
blueberry-filled, chocolate-iced with a custard<br />
filling and glazed cream-filled doughnuts. Three<br />
and a half Kremes each down the line and the<br />
taunting has subsided, leaving the rest of our<br />
travelling friends to help us out. A seriously<br />
amazing doughnut.<br />
HOLE HEARTED<br />
FOUND BY JEMIMAH KUHFELD<br />
So I guess the reason I kept it was a nostalgic<br />
one, but the reason I picked it up was fate.<br />
From a thousand million pebbles on a beach I<br />
picked the one with the hole right through the<br />
centre of it. I can't wear watches because I stop<br />
them, so I threaded the ribbon through it and<br />
wore it round my neck for ages, as if it could<br />
tell me time. It retold that day over and over.<br />
When the boyfriend I'd been with dumped me I<br />
reluctantly took it off. It's been in the bottom of<br />
a box ever since: I found it the other day, moving<br />
house. I believe people wear semi-precious<br />
stones for a reason: I came to understand<br />
something of that when I wore this. It's to do<br />
with knowing the shape has been sculpted by<br />
sea energy.<br />
decode number ten