SATIRE - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER OCTOBER 2006?: I SURE AS HELL DON’T
THE RoPE
ENTERTAINMENT FoR THE INFIRMED AND THE ELDERLY VoLUME 85, NUMBER 6 WWW.THENoZE.oRG
KENNY INCREDIBLE
STARRSTRUCK
THE ROPE
INTERVIEW
20Q
DAVEY
GARLAND
PLUS:
A PRoFESSIoNAL LooKING TABLE
oF CoNTENTS
THE NoZE BRoTHERHooD’S
oNE DAY WITHoUT PANTS
SING REVIEWS:
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
MoRE GoSSIP GIRL
SMEAR CAMPAIGNS
DIA FoRECASTS
WHY THE HELL AM I STILL DoING
THIS WITH MY LIFE?
LIVING IN THE NOZE MANSION
SATIRE
OF
THE
BIG
12
PROVOCATIVE
ARTICLES
WITH BASIS
IN REAL EVENTS, HONEST

2
T
FULL BROTHERS PIC
h e k e k o
KEKo MUCKITY MUCK!
KEKo MUCKITY MUCK!
MENE MENE TEKEL
UPHARSIN! SATCHEL oN,
BRoTHER LoNG NoZE,
SATCH! BSSS! BMMC!
HGRS! JLRC! WFFF! DGDC!
KSVD!
Huzzah, we’ve done it, this is it,
we’re out, hip-hip hooray, let’s give
a yell. We’ve survived another year,
and despite all the jeers, the group
didn’t quite go to hell. We tried to
make a CD, I hope we succeed, but
honestly it’s in Elmo’s hands now.
Look for us on iTunes, to hear all
our new croons, it’s uncensored,
so don’t have a cow. We made a
magazine, to break with the routine,
and to make us look like pros for
once. Here it is, 16 pages, proofed
by neos in cages, even by Burlington,
the class dunce. So what can
you say about a year like this one?
I’m sure as hell glad that this paper
is done. And admittedly this has all
been ever so fun, I need to get out,
I need to get some sun. And have
you seen this rug? Can I get a satch?
Satchel? Gob.

vol. 85, no. 6 -- april 2010
THE RoPE
c o n t e n t s
f e a t u r e s
3 TABLE OF CONTENTS
This is space filler. Desperate, desperate space filler
37 BRO. TELEMUNoZe TAKES A GUY TO JAIL
This really happened. Call/Text?
52 BRO. NoZey LOVES CHACHI SHARES HER NCAA DEFUNCT BRACKET
Which includes placement for the Mets and some team called “The Bills.”
78 GIRL TALK
What is She Really Trying to Say When She Starts Carrying Mace in Her Purse?
93 FASHION TIPS FROM BRO. TICKLE ME ELMnOzE
Trucker hats, the comeback story
1812 WHAT NAPOLEON DID WRONG
The joke is in the page number, go look it up.
fiction
? BRO. JESUS LOVES ME THIS I NoZe’s SEX LIFE
Har Har, har har
the rope forum
22 GRADUATING THIS YEAR?
Good fuckin’ luck.
20Q
5 IT’S THE DEAR LORDE MAYOR
And a cop out. There’s probably not even 20 complete sentences.
interview
14 THE ROPE DATA SHEET GETS STARRED
This one’s actually in here, not that you should read it.
PIC
COVER STORY
What do you call a truck with cock eyed wheels,
a complete loss of axis control, and a muffler
that just won’t stop rattling? Well, you give it
a spot on the cover of the paper, that’s what.
Maybe then they’ll feel like they left a legacy, or
something.
3

4
THE BRoTHERS
Bro. Ted KenNoZedy, esq.
cunning linguist
Bro. Jesus Loves Me, This I NoZe
lorde mayor
Bro. NoZe’s Ark shekel keeper
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe media whore
Bro. ThumbeliNoZe internet lad
THE BORED OF GRAFT
Bro. No Means NoZe resident female, model of desperation
Bro. N-O-Z-E, etc if seen please let us know
Bro. TelemuNoZe hecho en mexico
THE BROTHER
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte still here, still rockin’ out
THAT GIRL
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi working her way through college
THOSE GUYS
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk probably teaching your children
Bro. NoZe sequitur legally obligated to keep away from your children
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe still celebrating pi day
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe demands we all stand when he enters the room
EXILES
Bro. Breakin’ 2 ElectricNoZealoo; Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut; Bro. AbstiNoZe; Bro. Cliff’s NoZE; Bro. Grand NoZe Party;
Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott; Bro. Fats DomiNoZe; Bro. RomaNoZe Clef;
Bro. Don’t Cry For Me ArgentiNoZe; Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-On; Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi;
Bro. Obi Wan KeNoZebi; Bro. NoZe v. Wade; Bro. NoZepotism
Bro. Marlon BrandNoZeBro; NoZe B4 Hoes;Bro. NoZe Def; Bro. NoZepotism;
Bro. Marlon BrandNoZe; Bro. LeNoZeard Peltier;Bro. Susan B. AntheNoZe;
Bro. NoZekita Khrushchev; Bro. ErNoZeto Guevara; Bro. V.I. LeniNoZe; Bro. NoZecobo Arbenz;
Bro. EmiliaNoZe Zapata; Bro. Subcomondante MarcNoZe; Bro. NoZeson Mandela;
Bro. Huey NoZeton; Bro. Jesus of NoZeareth; Bro. Pablo NoZeruda; Bro. Teddy NoZevelt
Bro. NoZeberto Duran; Bro. Manuel NoZeaga; Bro. SuperNoZa;
Bro. W. Axl NoZe; Bro. UltramagNoZe; Bro. AmNoZety International; Bro. XeNoZe, Warrior Princess
Bro. CoNoZe The Barbarian; Bro. NoZeanderthal; Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar;
Bro. Deus ex MachiNoZe; Bro. TenNoZee Williams; Bro. Rocky MarciaNoZe;
Bro. INoZebriated; Bro. QuizNoZe; Bro. SpraypaintcantotheNoZe;
Bro. PanchNoZe Villa; Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi; Bro. Pallas AtheNoZe; Bro. JanNoZe Jameson
FACULTY HOSTAGE
Bro. NoZe Better
NEOPHYTES
Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory; Bro. NoZesome Dove; Bro. Bear NoZessitites; Bro. Hunter NoZe Thompson
Bro. Woman NoZe; Bro. Looks like NoZesome Dove; Bro. NoZe Dated A Chamber

Vitek’s
1600 Speight Ave. 254.752.7591
The NoZe Brotherhood’s
Today marks a day where every pretentious trendy kid
at Common Grounds can truly show their sympathies
with whoever it is currently hip to care about, with the
latest craze sweeping Baylor’s campus. Tomorrow’s
“One Day Without Pants”
is a prime example of
the compassion, and
charitable nature of this
fine institution. Calluses
may form on feet, but the
region normally covered
by pants is perpetually soft and vulnerable; and we are
sure plenty of kids in Africa don’t wear pants either (but
they cant show those ones on TV). So let everyone
know the size of your compassion, the depth of your
kindness, and the girth of your caring. “Day without
pants” seeks to create a sense of what life is really like
for the impoverished peoples of the world. When they
When our cover girls go out, they don’t just look for class.
“I want a place that let’s me get schmammered on a Sunday, Wednesday,
and Tuesday night, and doesn’t ask questions. I go to Scruffy’s.
Every single night.”
A taste that says “Ring by Spring,”
at a price that says, “Do you have a sister?”
“One Day Without Pants”
drive their dad’s Hummer to the local Starbucks, they
have to do it without pants. When they walk to their
business class at a private university, they have to do
it without pants. It’s this kind of selfless ability to get
“Oh I get it. You’re trying to say that the day without shoes was
supposed to be about selflessness, but becomes a display of
patronizing self indulgence if the only ‘charitable’ thing you do
is misplace your footwear. I follow.”
down on the level of the poor and really experience
their plight, on an extremely superficial level for a short
period of time. “I’m just trying to get laid” said Plano
freshman Jimmy Nofrends, “Chicks really dig a guy
who cares about Haiti or whatever this is for, I think the
term the ATO guys taught me was ’panty peeler’.”
Scruffy’s
OPEN @ 9 P.M.
1226 Speight
5

6
e a r L o r d e M a y o r
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’m pregnant.
Your scorned lover
Dear AXO Spring class of 2010
Are you sure? I need to see the test.
Maybe it was a dud. Are you sure its
mine? I mean, I’m not calling you a slut
or anything, but I heard about the TKE
mixer. Should we talk about this? This
probably isn’t the best way to tell me
something like that.
Dear Lorde Mayor
Now that the smoking bill hasn’t passed,
what do you think Baylor will do about
this horrendous smoking problem?
How will I ever get to class without
passing through these terribly thick
clouds of smoke that engulf our campus.
Coughing and Concerned
Dear No One,
You have to take your ban to the higher
power of course. I suggest the regents,
or if that doesn’t work perhaps
some street style vigilante police system
or something. I have some more
complaints to go along with it. People
chewing gum, people walking too fast,
people eating in class, people with bad
breath, people walking too slow, and
people not sharing food are just a few
of the personal choices that people
make that I have issue with. Tell me,
how comprehensive does the bill to limit
free will have to be?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Bitch and moan, bitch and moan.
Whine, whine, whine.
Persecuted and Abused
Dear Burlington NoZe Factory
We treat all the neophytes equally, now
pay your damn dues.
NoZe ON THE STREET ASKS:
What do you think about Colbie Caillat headlinging DiadelNoZo?
Her song “Bubbly”. It reminds me of the
pleasure I could be experiencing if my
boyfriend wasn’t Phi Chi.
Susan Guillory, Chi Omega
Girls love Colbie Caillat. I love girls. Therefore I love Colbie
Caillat. According to my 2304 Philosophy professor,
that is an invalid statement. However, pretty sure my
Philosophy professor has never gotten laid.
John McTry-Too-Hard, Phi Delt Pledge
Seriously, why can’t I open for her? It
would be a match made in heaven,
as my songs also contain implicit
sexual themes.
Bro. Jesus Loves Me, This I NoZe,
struggling songwriter.

SMEAR CAMPAIGN
Michael Wright has a lot of experience. No, not with those Kappa
Deltas, though they are willing, and believe me, always ready, I’m not
talking about them. I’m talking about political experience, but not in a
real sense, in more of a “pat on the back” you’re making a “difference”
sort of way. Not only that, but his Facebook campaign is paying off in
spades, as this is being written he has over 250 followers, as well as
endorsements by Kappa, Theta, and some friends from back home. .
He’s pretty much going to be president, he even has Christopher Paxton’s
endorsements, and we all know he has the Midas Touch. Except
with those Zetas, Kappas, and generally any girl with lady parts.
INTERNAL VICE
PRESIDENT
Ross Watson
Michael Wright
Ben Aguinaga
So what’s the point of college anyhow? Attending classes? Learning things? Not to Mr. Aguilera.
Eng2306 at 10 o’clock? “no thank you” says Ben Iguana. “I have to greet people outside of
chapel at ten. And if I take few enough hours, maybe I can spend two more years campaigning
right here on Baylor’s campus”.
Ross win’s two unofficial NoZe Brotherhood
awards with his campaign. One for having
the least original campaign posters ever, and
for being the candidate most ignorant of the
fact that anyone in the world can look at your
facebook. Proven by this picture. Hope that’s
just apple juice in your cup there Rossy, and
if it isn’t, we’ll meet you at scruff’s to help you
through your landslide loss.
Micheal Lyssy
Paul Baumgardner
Paul believes Homosexuals should be
able to give blood like anyone else,
based on his assumption that they just
like to have things put inside them. Paul
can be seen wearing giant aviator sunglasses
regardless of external weather
conditions to hide his hideous acne. Not
seen in this photo is the woman he is
about to punch.
Warning to everyone! This guy is catholic! If he is elected
to any position we could end up with our judge Baylor statue replaced with
Pope Benedict XIV, and wine and crackers put in chapel. Only one of those is
a good idea. And also Mickey, what’s up with that stupid-ass green wig.
Kate Williams
Are you really going to put any kind of responsibility in the hands
of someone who couldn’t turn in their ballot application on time? I
think this young lady seriously overestimates the amount of effort
people are willing to exert when filling out their ballot cards. Avoid
this one so you don’t look like an idiot when you misspell her name
on the write-in section. But hot damn! Have you seen those healthy
gums of hers? It almost eclipses the fact that one of her teeth is the
size of my hand.
Cristina Galvan
Christina is the shoe-in, that’s for sure, what with her name being the only one on the EVP
ballot and all. A woman in touch with her -- OH DEAR LORD, IS THAT A BEAR? DON’T
PANIC CHRISTINA, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. BEARS CAN SMELL FEAR. I HEAR THAT’S
HOW THAT CHAMBER KID DIED. STAY CALM. I’LL CALL BEN AQUANOX, HE’LL SUIT
THIS THING AWAY FOR SURE. REMOVE ANY COOKIES OR WAFERS YOU MAY OR MAY
NOT BE HIDING ON YOUR PERSON AND GIVE THEM TO ME, I HAVEN’T EATEN ALL DAY.
EXTERNAL VICE PRESIDENT
STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT
The Rope
Apologizes
.. if there were any
candidates we missed
in this process.
Literally, we walked
on to campus one
night, read all the
signs, and wrote this
thing. If you’re not
campaigning out there,
you might as well not
be campaigning at all.
And seriously, good
luck to anyone who
lands one of these
things. Not many
people can pull off
those private sessions
with the regents, not
with those constant
calls for cocktails and
lap dances.
9

T H E R O P E
a f t e r c l a s s e s
Look, just because I’m the only one with lady
bits (I didn’t say they were perfect, okay, I just
said they were there) doesn’t mean that I was
the only one that had realized things had gone
too far. Sure, the mansion is a great setting to
break everything in sight, take your pants off
at the table and play ‘kick the pickle’, but when
even Bro. N-O-Z-E’s dog’s nose wrinkled at the
sight of the mess that had become our gathering
place, I knew something had to be done. I tried
with the Neophytes, but it was all in vain. Their
tiny brains aren’t developed enough yet to grasp
complex sentences like, “pick up the trash and
take it OUTside,” and they simply stared at me
with dribbling mouths and vacant eyes. And with
all the Brothers otherwise occupied with writing
songs about masturbation, taunting Bro. Tickle
Me ElmNoZe, and generally trying to thwart Bro.
ThumbeliNoZe’s latest plot to plunder an all-girl
primary school, only I was left up to the task.
It seemed too great a task, even though I pride
myself on being one of the boys and taking it
like a man (I’m not sure if one is supposed to
do both of those at once, but if one is, then one
would be well-equipped for prison, or the NoZe
Brotherhood, I’m not sure which). So I turned
to a trusty friend, a helpful ally, a calming influence,
if you will…and entered Quaalaand. It’s a
beautiful place, trust me. As I began my descent,
the external environment died out, and there
was only this: my hands, a damp rag, the sharp
smell of rubbing alcohol. My system was shutting
down, which at times caused nightmarish flashes:
penis paintings, paintings painted by penises,
penis envy, and Bro. NoZe’s Ark’s “box of special
things.” Quaaludes put me in a state of extreme
sleepiness, so as I went about my martyred
task, I also had to fend off advances from Bro.
ThumbeliNoZe. My scalp began to tingle ever so
innocently, so I directed my attention to something
that would hold my interest for at least two of the
six hours I would be under, having taken a rather
large dosage: the filth, grime, and whiskey that
had lacquered the floor.
10

Sing Reviews
Because the Lariat didn’t break your spirits enough
So we know no one cares anymore, but since
we didn’t care to begin with, we thought it only
fair that we get to return the torture by bringing
back painful memories: memories of the 9
Chamberpots pathetically sashaying across stage,
memories of Zeta actually thinking it was a good
idea to kill someone off in a seven-minute musical
act, then resume singing and dancing like nothing’s
wrong, memories of Dr. Browning making
jokes…if you can call them that (you can’t). And
on top of it all, it lasted well into 2012, yada yada,
jokes about how long the show lasts, yada yada,
end times. On to the next:
Tri Delt “Fish-ish”
If anything was fishy about this act (please, please,
we know…but we’re above vagina jokes. That’s
why we’re mentioning it now), it’s how robotic
these Stepford Wives are. Year after year, their act
is filled with female cyborgs dressed as some kind
of brightly colored non-human entity.
KOT “Guys and Dolls”
They won, but they were also dressed as dolls
sooo…who REALLY won?
KSig “Oily and Uncomfortable”
Remember when the oil spurted out of the rig and
it was incredibly anti-climactic, weak, pathetic, and
girly? Need we say more?
Sing Alliance “The Village Voice”
Not a straight man here, but a good time had by
all in this newspaper act.
ADPi “Terrifying Card Games”
Dear God, the only thing more frightening than
ADPi’s are ADPi’s dressed as clowns. They were
jokers? Whatever, it was horrifying.
Phi Chi “Overalls and Queers”
The obvious answer to number 2’s question is Phi
Chi. They were the real winners, since they must
have successfully convinced the judges that they
were dressed as cowboys for Jesus, not because
they like the looks of each other in tight jeans.
ATO “Heroes and Villains on a Boat”
Last year’s act, complete with fight scenes! Minus
the girl, plus some pirate costumes, throw in
some Journey and NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE!
AChiO “Penguins”
Was it awful? No. But that’s the biggest compliment
we can give it.
KKG “Give us money and we’ll shimmy”
Hey Big Spender, originally a song meant for
burlesque dancers (read: strippers) is performed
by more high-dollar strippers (read: Kappas)
masquerading as gold-diggers masquerading as
college girls.
Pi Phi
“Ice Cream Cones and other Phallic Symbolism”
Did anyone notice that sprinkle bottle light that
came down was dick-shaped? And that the
candles on their heads—also dick shaped?
Never mind that they ripped off last year’s Tri Delt
costumes…what the hell was up with all that
phallic symbolism? Nevermind, you’re right, stupid
question…
Fiji
“On the Road Giving Truckers Blow Jobs Again”
Sadly, we thought you’d be better without Theta.
But we were wrong. You were still better than
Theta, though. Which isn’t saying much, but
brings us to…
Theta
“Rings for Girls without Boyfriends”
What, the, hell. Which judge did you have sex with
to get into Pigskin? Let us re-phrase: which judge
did you NOT have sex with? Let us re-phrase:
which male within a 40-mile radius of Waco did
you NOT have sex with?
Pi Kap “Rescue me... Us.”
The island we never want to be stranded on…
ever.
KXA
“Big Apples, Big Ladies Dancing”
Yikes. Double yikes. Just convincing everyone to
never go to New York if it’s gonna be that goddamn
annoying.
Chi O
“Towel Dresses with a side of Mild Nudity”
The girls in yellow were practically naked…so we
liked it.
Zeta
“Killing off Good American Boys”
Since when is “dead soldier card” something that
impresses judges in a musical act? Question: why
didn’t he come HOME at the end (not in a coffin).
Further question: why do you make us SO AWK-
WARD EVERY YEAR, Zeta?
SAE and Sigma Chi
“Drunk, roughly 20 of us Dancing Drunk”
Maybe the only redeeming qualities, replete with
far tighter than necessary costumes and pelvic
thrusting the likes of which Baylor has never seen.
Unless you’re living in Collins. And then, that kind
of dry humping is something you see on the daily.
Chamber
“No Theme, Just Pathetic”
It’s hard to be so much worse than every other
act in Sing that you literally make us WANT to
watch the other acts just to reassure us that yes,
there are vestiges of talent at this university. But
you guys did it. Congratulations.
13