Why do Asians really get straight A's? - Project Gutenberg Consortia ...

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gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time!” — hilarious! So I guess my parents want me to become a doctor or lawyer, for completely different reasons, other than what's important— like saving lives or protecting the innocent from an unjust, inequitable system; reasons being money and status, which of course, lead to power. My parents really want my little sister Jordan and me to become doctors— or lawyers if we couldn't hack it in medical school— just so we can make lots of money and then they can brag to all of their friends. I really can't think of any other reasons, since third place on the totem pole of Asian career options is engineering, and there's nothing moral or ethical about being an engineer; only the paycheck matters, so in the end, it all boils down to money. So since it's really all about money, I guess I might as well become a prostitute, because I'll make just as much as any lawyer, and both professions are just as equally immoral. Plus, I won't have to put up with going to class anymore and I'll save my parents so much money; it's a win-win situation for everyone. Too bad Asian guys have small you-know- what, down you-know-where, so prostitution is out of the question. Of course, I'm just joking about becoming a prostitute, but I really may not be joking if I don't get into medical school. Between you and me, what I really aspire to be—ever since I was a wee laddie born and raised in Irvine, California—is a writer. I remember telling Mommy that I wanted to become a writer, inspired by scores of the greats: Chaucer, Hemingway, Joyce, Faulkner, Ellison, Orwell, Gaiman, among many, many more. But she gave me a look, with harsh, derisive eyes, and shouted, "Write? What you write? Bullsh*t? Stupid boy!" — that pretty much ended my “never got up and running” career as a writer. Well, I guess I'm done with my diatribe. I tend to digress inexorably whenever I have to sit here at the library waiting for Jordan to get done with her studying and her research. I don't even know why she uses the UCI (University of California, Irvine) library, since she goes to Stanford University, for crying out loud. Jordan should stay at Stanford, even on the weekends and not have me take her around everywhere. Just because I wasn't smart enough to get into Stanford doesn't mean I have to be her personal chauffeur. Instead, my little sister decides to come to my school and take up my time. And she constantly reminds me of how she got a full scholarship to attend Stanford— big deal! It's not like UCI is deplorable by any means— not that it's all that great either. Everyone knows that it's the school to settle for if you can't make it to any of the Ivy League schools. And you're always reminded of how you didn't make it, especially when you drive to UCI on Harvard Avenue,
which passes Stanford, Oxford, and Columbia Court Apartments and runs through the prestigious streets: Cornell, Columbia, Berkley, and last but not least, Yale Avenue. I guess they're telling us that UCI is just as good as any of the Ivy League schools. Somehow, I don't think street names and apartment courts are going to measure up to that standard. I would have gone anywhere else other than UCI, but I didn't have a choice in the matter since my parents are paying for my college tuition. My parents love the idea of me attending college here in Irvine, because it means that I have to live at home, which means that they have absolute, tyrannical control over every little detail of my life— the dream of every Asian parent. So Jordan goes to Stanford while I settle for UCI. She was always Mommy and Daddy's pride and joy, the wunderkind of our family. Mommy would always say to me, in her FOB— Fresh Off the Boat— broken English: “ Johnson! Why you can't be more like Jordan? She very smart and always the best at everything. ” Daddy would then add, in his much more FOB, broken English: “ Johnson! We don't want just do your best. We want you be best. You first in family to go college. You need make us proud. ” Asians here in America would call Asian foreigners FOB's, because of their thick and heavy accent, as if they really just got off the boat from Asia. FOB is quite derogatory, needless to say. Whenever my parents would scold and yell at me, I would drift off into reverie and think about Emilie Lee, the most beautiful girl that I've ever laid my eyes on. I've known her since middle school— okay, the truth is that I don't really know her, but I've been in almost every class with her. Let me tell you that she's absolutely stunning in every way: tall, thin, and statuesque. Her eyes are wide but nicely shaped, and deep-set with a gleam of chestnut. And her hair— oh my god, her hair— like pure, fine silk matted in black velvet. I can't believe I sound just like a d@mn romance novel! And she has the most radiantly clear, lightly sun- tanned face that makes her ivory teeth shine so luminously. But it's her insatiably full, lush lips, turned down slightly at the corners, that speak her most resounding feature— well actually, her most resounding feature is her @ss. And if you must know, most Asian girls have an @ss that's flat like a brick wall with breasts to match. But Emilie totally defies the natural laws of Asian genetics by having abounding, voluptuous breasts and a captivating lower exterior. It's a good thing that she didn't make it to any of the Ivy League schools, or else I wouldn't have the absolute pleasure of staring at her in class. And it's also a good thing that she was forced with the proverbial two options of “ doctor or lawyer”— just like me— so that we ended up taking the same pre-med biology classes for our final year here at UCI.
Page 2 and 3: Why do Asians really get straight A
Page 4 and 5: Yellow on the Outside, Shame on the
Page 6 and 7: THANKS TO: You, the reader Ryan & C
Page 8 and 9: Outset
Page 12 and 13: “ Are you daydreaming again? ”
Page 14 and 15: didn't come to America for the free
Page 16 and 17: pay taxes, fees, and other expenses
Page 18 and 19: school program, to strengthen and d
Page 20 and 21: 3 I got up this morning feeling ver
Page 22 and 23: Since it's an Asian custom to alway
Page 24 and 25: that's when they get you for the bi
Page 26 and 27: slaps my right arm and says, “ Yo
Page 28 and 29: pressure from my parents. Plus, Asi
Page 30 and 31: that this guy thinks incest is best
Page 32 and 33: 5 I start to fall asleep at the whe
Page 34 and 35: my eyes. “ All these yuppies are
Page 36 and 37: the picture. Before stepping into t
Page 38 and 39: that plenty of Asians have endured
Page 40 and 41: Of course, cops would always use th
Page 42 and 43: and even a Starbucks inside for all
Page 44 and 45: goodbye to them. “ Gabriel! What'
Page 46 and 47: “ And this is coming from a perso
Page 48 and 49: That's great if that's what she rea
Page 50 and 51: 8 I can't believe that I actually f
Page 52 and 53: Rushing to my molecular biology cla
Page 54 and 55: letters on the top of my hand. “
Page 56 and 57: Theorem Number 2: Status; because i
Page 58 and 59: is quite discourteous. I almost got
Page 60 and 61:
10 Waiting at the airport is easily
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happen to me— feather duster! So
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Who really needs to work 100 hours
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11 The plane lands as I start to wa
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just for the sake of getting a gift
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With all of us at the kitchen table
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grades they get and most importantl
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light up the incense— provided to
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Asian people are so obsessed with m
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Interlude
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throat and ease my nervousness. Per
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for-a-date routine, which isn't rea
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through me with ineffable waves of
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uy all of our groceries. How about
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answer that you get. Then come and
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willingly put my trust in her. She
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Calliope alludes, with a perplexed
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ut she explains to me that the brok
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oad, other than mine of course, and
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picture frame, right next to the bo
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want to admit that they failed as p
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16 Today is the greatest day in the
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testicles, obviously not his own be
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17 Today's the big day. Today will
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The instructor comes into the room
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do well the second time. Plus we'll
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toasted almond flakes along the sid
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19 My phone is ringing off the hook
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“ Yeah. This is a snack. I'm a gr
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segregation by the restaurant. I fi
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Hollywood is f*cked up but it's als
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spike heel platforms, peeping-tom p
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We both stagger down the hallway, a
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20 Today's the big day. Today will
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now we're doing the complete opposi
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The main problem with the cupidity
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that I've always wanted from my par
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with the power of control, per my A
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year programs. Do you know why it's
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(continued) Question: Do you know t
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