frasier - eight - 1.pdf
frasier - eight - 1.pdf
frasier - eight - 1.pdf
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FRASIER<br />
SEASON EIGHT PART 1<br />
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon<br />
The Bad Son<br />
The Great Crane Robbery
And the Dish Ran Away<br />
With the Spoon<br />
The Winnebago. Niles is driving, Daphne is in the passenger seat.<br />
NILES: I can't believe this!<br />
DAPHNE: Neither can I!<br />
NILES: What made you change your mind?<br />
DAPHNE: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked<br />
up at me and said "You're the saddest bride I've ever<br />
seen." I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a<br />
four year old with an eye patch?<br />
NILES: Remind me to give her a car for her preschool<br />
graduation.<br />
DAPHNE: The next thing I knew, I was climbing out the<br />
window of the loo!<br />
NILES: You mean you didn't tell Donny?<br />
DAPHNE: I didn't tell anyone. Can't you get this thing<br />
moving any faster?<br />
NILES: Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed...<br />
bumps.<br />
DAPHNE: I've never done anything this crazy! Are you<br />
nervous?<br />
NILES: Only that I'm gonna wake up.<br />
Niles cell phone rings and he reaches for it.<br />
DAPHNE: Don't answer it! It's probably your brother<br />
wondering if you've seen me.<br />
NILES: Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taking me half<br />
an hour to put on insect repellant. Here we are: the end<br />
of the driveway. Which way shall we go?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, to the right is Seattle, and to the left I guess,<br />
is Canada.<br />
NILES: Any thoughts?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an exfiancée...<br />
a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.<br />
NILES: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class<br />
dining.<br />
DAPHNE: Then there's Canada: a fresh start, a chance for<br />
adventure.<br />
NILES: Grizzly bears.<br />
DAPHNE: I don't care! Just pick one, let's go!
NILES: Maybe we should just...<br />
DAPHNE: No! We can't think about that. I just ran out on<br />
my wedding, I can't go back. I need you to be strong.<br />
NILES: For you, I have the strength of Hercules.<br />
The cell phone rings again.<br />
DAPHNE: They're not going away, are they?<br />
NILES: If you want to keep going, I'll go.<br />
DAPHNE: No. We better go back and face the music. We<br />
should make things right.<br />
NILES: Ok. (answers the phone.) All right, we're on our way<br />
back! Excuse me? No, there is no Wendel Fong here.<br />
DAPHNE: This is gonna be frigging awful!<br />
NILES: Well, maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes you build these<br />
things up in your mind, and they turn out not half as<br />
bad as you thought.<br />
Donny's point of view<br />
DAPHNE: That being said, I guess there's no easy way to<br />
tell you this: I'm in love with Niles, and I can't marry you.<br />
Donny, are you all right?<br />
Frasier's BMW.<br />
MARTIN: Anyone try those little crab cakes? What? They<br />
were good.<br />
FRASIER: All right, Dad! We just had front row seats for what<br />
is arguably the most disastrous wedding in history.<br />
Can't just ignore it with a lot of inane chitchat.<br />
NILES: Did you try that mustard dip that went with them? It<br />
was good. Frankly, I prefer a little inane chit chat to<br />
talking about what actually happened back there.<br />
DAPHNE: Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset. I just<br />
wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room<br />
instead of the rock garden. I just can't help feeling that<br />
our happiness has come at the expense of Mel and<br />
Donny.<br />
MARTIN: There was no easy way out of this. But you guys<br />
did the right thing coming back. I'm proud of you both.<br />
NILES: Thanks Dad. And thank you, Frasier. As painful as<br />
it was back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude.<br />
Daphne and I are here now because of you.<br />
FRASIER: Please, Niles, I really didn't do all that much. Just<br />
a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.<br />
DAPHNE: Nonsense. You set this whole thing in motion.
FRASIER: Stop it. I'm blushing! Just seeing you two kids<br />
together is thanks enough for me. Although I wouldn't<br />
turn down a bottle of '82 Latour.<br />
MARTIN: Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas<br />
station?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let<br />
Simon drive that thing.<br />
MARTIN: It'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking<br />
and driving.<br />
FRASIER: He did understand you were discouraging it?<br />
MARTIN: Of course. … Uh-oh.<br />
DAPHNE: Just hope he gets my family to the airport on<br />
time. I wouldn't want them to miss their plane if you<br />
get my drift.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, it's them all right. Look, it's all your brothers<br />
waving from the back.<br />
They look shocked.<br />
FRASIER: Living up to the Moon family name I see.<br />
Frasier's Apartment.<br />
DAPHNE: So did Simon get you home all right after<br />
dropping my family at the airport?<br />
ROZ: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood<br />
trying to parallel-park the Winnebago. The highlight was<br />
when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.<br />
MARTIN: How many did he get? My record's five.<br />
DAPHNE: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of<br />
clumsy advance.<br />
ROZ: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on<br />
my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her<br />
soccer team.<br />
DAPHNE: You know, Mom claims he was dropped as a<br />
child. I think he was thrown. I can't thank you enough<br />
for helping me return these wedding gifts. I've been<br />
dreading it. Just reminds me of how many people I've<br />
disappointed.<br />
MARTIN: Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn<br />
muffins today. They're light... moist... corny...<br />
DAPHNE: He's just being so sweet to me because of all of<br />
this.<br />
MARTIN: No, I mean it! They're delicious!<br />
DAPHNE: He hates them. Watch this. You know, if you<br />
finish those up, I'll make another batch. In fact, I'll fill<br />
the freezer and we'll have them with every meal.
MARTIN: All right, I give up! Try to do something nice<br />
around here.<br />
Simon comes in the front carrying a couple of gifts.<br />
SIMON: Right, that's the last of it. Look sharp, Daphne!<br />
He tosses a gift, which falls to the floor with a shattering sound.<br />
DAPHNE: Simon, you idiot!<br />
SIMON: Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, I already<br />
dropped it in the elevator.<br />
DAPHNE: I think you've helped enough for one day.<br />
MARTIN: Simon, how about a little breakfast?<br />
SIMON: Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely<br />
crispy golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in<br />
the Winnebago.<br />
MARTIN: The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or<br />
a cappuccino maker.<br />
DAPHNE: Wait a minute, these gifts look like they've been<br />
unwrapped and then wrapped again. Simon!<br />
SIMON: You know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread<br />
maker, which you did not register for. Some people are so<br />
bloody thoughtless.<br />
DAPHNE: That's stealing! These gifts are going back!<br />
SIMON: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical.<br />
And I for one will never be party to it.<br />
Daphne opens the door, it is Niles.<br />
NILES: So... returning wedding presents, I take it. That's<br />
one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping. No presents<br />
to return when...<br />
SIMON: When you shag someone else's wife?<br />
DAPHNE: Simon! Would you like some coffee?<br />
NILES: Oh, I'd love some. Here, let me help. Ooh, Dad,<br />
those look good. What are they?<br />
MARTIN: Doorstops.<br />
NILES: How'd you sleep last night?<br />
DAPHNE: I didn't. How 'bout you?<br />
NILES: Not a wink. You know, as pleasant as it was riding<br />
up and down that driveway yesterday, I think it hardly<br />
qualifies as a date, so I have a surprise for you. I made<br />
reservations for tonight at Au Pied du Cochon, and after,<br />
we're going dancing at the Starlight Room. It'll be our first<br />
official date. You free?<br />
DAPHNE: Wow, this is awfully short notice. Can I get back<br />
to you? Of course I'm free, you silly sausage. It sounds<br />
wonderful!
NILES: Daphne, about us… I think we shouldn't rush into<br />
anything, like living together, or even... physical<br />
relations until I have the situation resolved with Mel.<br />
You have any thoughts about that?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I'm so relieved. I feel exactly the same way.<br />
We need to get to know each other in this whole new<br />
light first.<br />
NILES: We're completely simpatico.<br />
DAPHNE: Yes. Although, you know, in some respects,<br />
we're much further ahead than most couples. I already<br />
know how you take your coffee. Cream. One sugar. And<br />
two lips.<br />
She turns and they kiss again. Frasier comes into the kitchen.<br />
NILES: No, I don't see anything in your eye.<br />
FRASIER: For God's sake, I got news for you: the cat is<br />
out of the bag!<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to<br />
kissing the boss's brother in the kitchen. Not that I'm<br />
used to kissing him any other place. I mean, any other<br />
room...<br />
FRASIER: Yes, yes, Daphne, I know what you mean! So, how<br />
are you two doing?<br />
NILES: We're deliriously happy, of course. Although I keep<br />
thinking about Mel and how she must be feeling today.<br />
Niles cell phone rings, he goes to the back of the kitchen.<br />
DAPHNE: Poor Donny. He must be devastated. I'll never<br />
forgive myself for that. Maybe I should go and see him.<br />
FRASIER: I wouldn't, Daph. You know, Donny and Mel have<br />
suffered a terrible blow. They'll need space and time to<br />
lick their wounds. Believe me, in the emotional state<br />
they're in, the last thing they'll want is to speak with<br />
either of you.<br />
NILES: Hold on. Frasier, could you hold it down? It's Mel.<br />
FRASIER: The woman never misses an opportunity to show<br />
me up!<br />
ROZ: Daphne, Simon is opening your gifts.<br />
DAPHNE: Bloody hell! Simon, give me that!<br />
SIMON: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm starting to have<br />
serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future<br />
mother of my children.<br />
ROZ: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your<br />
children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.<br />
SIMON: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body.<br />
MESSENGER: Daphne Moon? (handing her flowers) These are for<br />
you. And so is this. Consider yourself served.
NILES: Well, you won't believe this: Mel insists on seeing<br />
me. Wonderful flowers, who are they from?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I can't read the card from here, but I'd say<br />
they're from Donny.<br />
NILES: Is he trying to get you back?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, he's getting me back, all right. He's suing me!<br />
SIMON: Call me crazy, but you know what I think we all<br />
need right now? A nice pot of fondue. I'm sure I've seen<br />
one in here somewhere.<br />
Donny's Office. Frasier enters Donny's office, which is dark.<br />
FRASIER: Donny? Are you in here? It's kind of dark in<br />
here. You think maybe we could turn on the light? There<br />
we go, that's better. Donny? You're gonna have to<br />
turn around. I can't see you.<br />
DONNY: Well, we can't see you either. That's right, you<br />
haven't met my little friend. (holds up a little plastic groom)<br />
You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I<br />
call him "Mr. Chump". Say hello to Mr. Chump. I said say<br />
hello!<br />
FRASIER: Hello, Mr. Chump. Donny, are you all right?<br />
DONNY: Oh, yeah. I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, but<br />
the doctor gave me a few pills and I'm feeling much<br />
better now. So, what can I do for you?<br />
FRASIER: Well, before I get to that, Donny, I'd like you to<br />
know that my visit here was completely my own idea.<br />
Daphne has nothing to do with it. What happened to<br />
you yesterday was unforgivable and devastating. I<br />
know whereof I speak. You see, I too was once<br />
abandoned at the altar. You're feeling abandoned and<br />
hurt, and completely alone.<br />
DONNY: Aren't you forgetting someone?<br />
FRASIER: Just so we're clear: All my remarks refer to<br />
human relationships. Daphne realizes you went to great<br />
expense for this wedding, and she is prepared to repay<br />
you over time, but Donny, this hundred thousand dollars<br />
in punitive damages for emotional distress; that's not you.<br />
That's not the Donny Douglas I know. You don't want to<br />
sue Daphne.<br />
DONNY: I'm a lawyer, it's my natural impulse. Oh, you<br />
know, maybe I am being too hard on Daphne. In all<br />
fairness, she's not totally to blame.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, there's plenty of blame to go around. I<br />
mean, even I played a minor part in these events. Let he<br />
who is without sin, right? Anyway, I'm glad we had this<br />
talk. God bless.
DONNY: No, wait a minute. What "minor part" did you play?<br />
FRASIER: I may have mentioned in passing to Niles and<br />
Daphne how they felt about each other. Which may<br />
have, conceivably, set this... whole thing in motion.<br />
Perhaps!<br />
DONNY: You did this on my wedding day?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, no. It was the night before, but what I'm trying<br />
to say is if you feel the urge to yell at someone, well then<br />
yell at me. If you want to take a swing at someone, then<br />
here's my chin. Are you going to hit me?<br />
DONNY: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna hit you. I'm gonna hit you with<br />
tortious interference and intentional and negligent<br />
infliction of emotional distress. Layman's terms: I'm<br />
gonna sue your ass off!<br />
FRASIER: Me?! But Daphne's the one who left you at the<br />
altar!<br />
DONNY: That's right. That's why I'm suing her for breach of<br />
contract!<br />
FRASIER: Donny, listen, you're being emotional right now.<br />
Give this a few days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.<br />
DONNY: Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you,<br />
Frasier. Suing you is just the tonic I needed. You know<br />
what else? I'm starving. I haven't eaten in twenty four<br />
hours. I'd ask you to join me, but you should be saving<br />
your money. Turn out the lights when you leave. Oh, by<br />
the way, Fraizh. Who's Mr. Chump now?<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Martin and Niles are sitting by the window.<br />
NILES: Where is Mel? That woman is punctual to a fault.<br />
This is a bad sign.<br />
MARTIN: She's only five minutes late.<br />
NILES: Five?! I thought it was two! She's doing this<br />
intentionally, she's playing mind games. She's hoping<br />
to undermine my confidence so she'll have the<br />
advantage.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, but you're showing her.<br />
FRASIER: I'm sorry I'm late. What's wrong with Niles?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, he's in a tizzy 'cause Mel's late.<br />
FRASIER: Dear God! She's never late! Steady, Niles!<br />
MARTIN: Nice job, Frasier. Well, how'd things go with<br />
Donny?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I used every psychological trick in my bag<br />
to get myself added to the lawsuit.<br />
NILES: That's unforgivable!
FRASIER: Tell me about it.<br />
NILES: No, that prune danish that Dad dropped down here<br />
last Thursday is still here!<br />
MARTIN: Oh, I think I see Mel pulling in.<br />
NILES: Don't panic! Thanks for the moral support. Don't let<br />
her see you here. Hello Mel. Please.<br />
MEL: Well, here we are: our four day anniversary.<br />
NILES: Mel, I never meant to...<br />
MEL: What? Hurt me? If that were the case, you never<br />
would have run off with your maid whore, leaving me<br />
holding the brochures to our honeymoon.<br />
NILES: Technically, she's a physical therapist. You were<br />
saying?<br />
MEL: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, damnit! I want you<br />
to listen to me very carefully. Last night, as I lay in bed,<br />
awake, I thought I'm either going to kill you, or I'm going<br />
to kill myself.<br />
NILES: Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves...<br />
MEL: Will you shut up and let me finish? I realized that<br />
wouldn't solve anything. So, I've decided to make this as<br />
painless as possible. You will have your divorce, Niles,<br />
and it will be quick and clean.<br />
NILES: That's very generous...<br />
MEL: Hold your applause, there are some conditions. As<br />
you know, I have a certain standing in my social circle<br />
that's important to me, and having my husband of three<br />
days run off with some Cockney tart is a humiliation<br />
I'd prefer to avoid.<br />
NILES: Yes, I understand completely.<br />
MEL: So this is how this is going to play out. For the next<br />
few weeks, as far as rest of the world is concerned, we<br />
are still happily married. We will appear together in<br />
public, at various social occasions. In private, I don't<br />
want to lay eyes on you. And when a suitable amount<br />
of time has passed, I will file for divorce.<br />
NILES: It seems like you've thought of everything.<br />
MEL: I have. Here's the watch I was going to give you as a<br />
wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together. Yes, it<br />
said "Forever Yours". I scratched it out with a<br />
screwdriver.<br />
NILES: There's something else crudely carved here, but...<br />
well. At least you were able to use that "f" from "forever".<br />
Frasier and Martin who have been watching this.<br />
MARTIN: Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all, she just<br />
gave him a watch.
FRASIER: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for<br />
another woman, he gets a gift. I try to do the right thing<br />
and I get Mr. Chump and a lawsuit!<br />
MARTIN: Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best,<br />
but I told you not to go see Donny, didn't I? But you went<br />
down there anyway, didn't you? I told you not to screw<br />
around with lawyers, didn't I? I told him not to go down<br />
there.<br />
FRASIER: Will you shut up?! All right, there she goes. Niles?<br />
NILES: Well, all things considered, not so bad. In<br />
exchange for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do<br />
is play the doting husband at some social functions for a<br />
few weeks.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.<br />
FRASIER: What kind of social functions?<br />
NILES: Well, for instance, tonight is our wedding reception.<br />
Since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to<br />
throw a last minute get-together to toast our nuptials.<br />
MARTIN: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you<br />
won't be the only one getting your nuptials toasted.<br />
Frasier's Apartment.<br />
DAPHNE: Explain to me again how you and Mel<br />
masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?<br />
FRASIER: If I may, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little<br />
wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her<br />
dignity intact.<br />
DAPHNE: And what about Niles' dignity?<br />
FRASIER: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.<br />
NILES: Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but<br />
if it speeds up the divorce process and avoids the misery<br />
I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it? Oh, come on,<br />
Shnookums, we can get through this together. What do<br />
you say?<br />
DAPHNE: What did you just call me? Shnookums...<br />
NILES: It was an attempt at a pet name.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep<br />
looking?<br />
NILES: Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... truffles.<br />
It's the chocolate, not the fungus. It's a work in<br />
progress.<br />
FRASIER: Here we are. For you... Here it is: To better days.<br />
For all of us. I went down to talk to Donny, try to<br />
convince him to drop his lawsuit against you. Instead,
he's now suing me as well for the part I played in getting<br />
you two together.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I am so sorry, Dr. Crane. This is turning<br />
into such a horrible mess! Not that I expected it to be a<br />
bed of roses, mind you, but it's gotten so you wonder<br />
what god-awful calamity's going to befall us all next.<br />
Simon comes in the front door.<br />
SIMON: Something smells in your elevator. Oh, now it smells<br />
in here, too. I'm beginning to think this is not such a ritzy<br />
building after all.<br />
DAPHNE: Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post?<br />
SIMON: As we speak, they are winging their way towards<br />
their rightful owners. And in a totally unrelated<br />
matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago<br />
is now fully equipped with a state-of-the-art DVD,<br />
complete with surround sound.<br />
DAPHNE: I don't believe this!<br />
SIMON: Tonight's feature is "Braveheart", starring Australia's<br />
favorite son, Mr. Mel Gibson. Showtime is at <strong>eight</strong> sharp,<br />
everyone is invited.<br />
DAPHNE: As tempting as that sounds, I have a date. Niles<br />
is taking me to dinner and dancing. At least this day will<br />
end on a high note.<br />
NILES: I guess I can't avoid telling you this any longer...<br />
Martin comes from his room.<br />
MARTIN: I just want you to know I'm attending this wedding<br />
reception under protest.<br />
NILES: Thanks, Dad. Yeah, well, you know those social<br />
obligations I was talking about? One of them is tonight.<br />
DAPHNE: A wedding reception? For you and Mel?<br />
NILES: It's at the equestrian center. It's nothing major, it's<br />
very impromptu. Champagne, cake, we pet the horses,<br />
we're out of there by eleven!<br />
FRASIER: Oh, gosh, Niles, look at the time. I'm sorry<br />
Daphne, but we've got to get cross town in an hour. You<br />
better get home and get changed.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, don't forget to wear that watch Mel gave you.<br />
NILES: Thanks again, Dad! I can explain that. I can explain<br />
everything. Tomorrow. It's just a twenty four hour delay.<br />
I switched all the reservations. Dining, dancing,<br />
everything. I promise I will make it up to you... pookie.<br />
… Even I hate that one.<br />
DAPHNE: But what about our date?<br />
SIMON: Now, now, Daphne. Don't cry. It's all right. This<br />
sounds like a job for Braveheart.
The Equestrian Center. Frasier and Martin are standing at the bar.<br />
MARTIN: Don't look now, but there's a guy over there in a<br />
bow tie who's been checking me out for the last twenty<br />
minutes.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, one of Mel's colleagues. I met him earlier.<br />
MARTIN: What's he keep staring at me for?<br />
FRASIER: Well, he's a plastic surgeon. Maybe he's looking at<br />
your eyelids and planning his next trip to Maui. Good<br />
lord! Look at him, overacting. Trying to convince<br />
everyone he's happily married. Have you ever seen<br />
anything so pathetic in your life?<br />
MARTIN: How about you and Lilith?<br />
FRASIER: It was a rhetorical question!<br />
Mel and Niles meeting with people.<br />
MEL: Niles, I'd like you to meet Adrianna Pettibone.<br />
Adrianna stables General Prescott, our current grand<br />
champion right here at the Equestrian Club.<br />
NILES: Wonderful! Speaking of grand champions, how<br />
about this little filly, hmm? I didn't even have to check<br />
her teeth!<br />
ROZ: Congratulations and all that BS, where's the bar?<br />
NILES: Roz, what are you doing here?<br />
MEL: I invited her. Your side of the guest list looked a little<br />
sparse.<br />
ROZ: Well, forgive me if I'm not in the spirit of this -<br />
wink, wink - "happy occasion", but I'm in a very<br />
crappy mood.<br />
NILES: Are you limping?<br />
ROZ: Yeah. I twisted my ankle on the stairs. You know<br />
how that happened? I couldn't find the shoes that went<br />
with this dress, so I had to wear these stupid three inch<br />
spikes. And the "check engine" light on my dash keeps<br />
coming on.<br />
NILES: What does that have to do with your ankle?<br />
ROZ: Nothing, it just really ticks me off! The bar, the bar!<br />
Thank you!<br />
NILES: That was so sweet of her to come.<br />
MEL: Niles, this is important. If anyone should ask about<br />
the honeymoon, we're flying to Paris, then we're taking<br />
the Orient Express to Venice, where we'll spend two<br />
weeks at the Monsarta Palazzetto suite at the Cipriani.<br />
NILES: Sounds like a wonderful trip.<br />
MEL: It's not my fault we're not going. I'll go check on Dad<br />
and Frasier.
The bar, where Frasier is talking to a couple.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, they do make a lovely couple.<br />
WOMAN: Don't they? I'm sure they'll be happy together for<br />
many years.<br />
MARTIN: You never know. I'm just saying you never know.<br />
FRASIER: What the hell's wrong with you?<br />
MARTIN: In a few weeks, I'm gonna look like a genius.<br />
ROZ: I really feel stupid. I just came on to the guy in the<br />
tux. They really should make waiters wear name tags.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, yes, Roz. Carrying trays and taking drink<br />
orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.<br />
NILES: Well, I think it's going pretty well. Don't you? You<br />
think anyone's suspicious?<br />
MARTIN: No, no. It's the greatest phony reception I've ever<br />
been to. So, how you holding up, son?<br />
NILES: Oh, well, if I have to stretch my muscles into a smile<br />
one more time, I think my face may crack...<br />
MEL: Niles? It's time to cut the cake, so why don't you just<br />
gather everyone around? (to Martin.) Excuse me, I need to<br />
borrow Frasier for just one moment. Frasier, I had an<br />
interesting little phone call from Donny this afternoon.<br />
Yes, he said you'd been by to see him earlier today.<br />
FRASIER: I may have done so.<br />
MEL: Yes, he said you were a busy little bee before the<br />
wedding. First buzzing in Niles' ear, and then you were<br />
buzzing in Daphne's ear... You see, I've been torturing<br />
myself trying to figure out how this all happened so<br />
quickly, and now I know. I won't forget about this.<br />
MARTIN: What was that all about?<br />
FRASIER: Donny talked to Mel.<br />
MARTIN: Told you not to go down there.<br />
MEL: Attention, everyone! Before we cut the cake, Niles'<br />
brother Frasier would like to make a toast in our<br />
honor.<br />
MARTIN: I didn't know you were doing this.<br />
FRASIER: Neither did I. Well, love... is an awesome force.<br />
It can make us do things we never imagined possible.<br />
You see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us.<br />
And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about<br />
it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in<br />
toasting my brother and the love of his life. For she is<br />
truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I<br />
could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy<br />
couple!
MEL: Well, wasn't that clever of your brother? It's only too<br />
bad your little English muffin couldn't be here to enjoy it<br />
as well. Which reminds me: You do realize that while<br />
we are pretending to be married, you absolutely cannot<br />
be seen in public with Daphne?<br />
Frasier's Apartment. Simon comes through the front door.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Simon. Just making coffee, you want some?<br />
SIMON: I was thinking of something colder with a bit more<br />
of an amber hue.<br />
MARTIN: Beer?<br />
SIMON: Brilliant! if you aren't the finest detective in Seattle,<br />
I am the Prince of Wales.<br />
MARTIN: How did Eddie like his walk?<br />
SIMON: The little nipper loved it. I think nature's calling<br />
him again. His bladder's worse than mine. I'll be back in<br />
a flash.<br />
FRASIER: Was that Simon's voice I heard just now?<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, he just took Eddie on a walk for me.<br />
FRASIER: It's about time that chowder made himself<br />
useful.<br />
MARTIN: Don't be so hard on him. He tries.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, if you're talking about my patience, he<br />
certainly does.<br />
NILES: Hey Dad, about a block from here, I saw a dog that<br />
looks remarkably like Eddie tied up outside a bar. So,<br />
did you say anything to her?<br />
FRASIER: No, no, you told us not to.<br />
MARTIN: You want us out of here when you drop the<br />
hammer?<br />
NILES: No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.<br />
DAPHNE: Niles. I didn't hear you come in.<br />
NILES: I just got here. How are you today?<br />
DAPHNE: Wonderful. I realize that postponing our date one<br />
day doesn't really amount to much in the great scheme<br />
of things. So how was your wedding reception?<br />
NILES: Oh, it was your average night in hell.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, that's behind us, now. We have a wonderful<br />
evening to look forward to. I bought a new dress. It's<br />
much too expensive, but you're worth it. And I'm<br />
getting my hair done and my... Why are you looking at<br />
each other like that? Those darting little glances mean<br />
something's up. Niles?<br />
NILES: About tonight...
DAPHNE: I hate the way this is starting.<br />
NILES: Mel feels that as long as she and I are acting to be<br />
married, you and I can't be seen together in public. So<br />
that means...<br />
DAPHNE: I know what that means.<br />
NILES: But it's just until the divorce.<br />
DAPHNE: Whenever that bloody is. If you'll excuse me, I<br />
have a splitting headache.<br />
NILES: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of<br />
view, it really does make a lot of sense.<br />
FRASIER: He came so close.<br />
DAPHNE: What did you say?<br />
NILES: I said "Damn that Mel!"<br />
DAPHNE: No, you didn't. You should have, but you didn't. It<br />
sounded to me like you were taking her side.<br />
NILES: All right. Can we just turn the clock back two<br />
minutes and pretend this conversation never happened?<br />
DAPHNE: Why don't we just turn it back to ten minutes<br />
before my wedding and save everybody all this<br />
trouble?<br />
NILES: What are you saying? It sounds like you're saying<br />
you're sorry you did this.<br />
DAPHNE: Maybe that's what I'm saying.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, boy.<br />
FRASIER: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll<br />
regret...<br />
DAPHNE: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth<br />
we wouldn't be in this mess! Donny wouldn't be suing<br />
me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two<br />
weeks' salary for a dress I'm apparently never going to<br />
wear, and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of<br />
a wife of yours.<br />
FRASIER: This is all my fault?!<br />
NILES: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow<br />
than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!<br />
FRASIER: I AM WOUNDED! I intervened only out of love<br />
for the two people who are most important to...<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, put a sock in it! I am sick and tired of<br />
listening to you yammering on about everything under<br />
the sun!<br />
NILES: Daphne...<br />
DAPHNE: And I'm sick of listening to you, too. You got<br />
anything to say, old man?! Good!
FRASIER: I'm waiting! For an apology. For that unprovoked<br />
broadside you leveled at me.<br />
NILES: You expect me to apologize to you?<br />
FRASIER: Expect it, sir, and demand it!<br />
NILES: Well, then, here's my answer: No! And furthermore,<br />
why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair, and<br />
keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions,<br />
proposals and recommendations to yourself?!<br />
FRASIER: Well, I never!<br />
NILES: No, you always!<br />
MARTIN: How's a corned beef sandwich sound?<br />
FRASIER: I am appalled!<br />
MARTIN: Well, no problem, there's some smoked turkey in<br />
here, too.<br />
FRASIER: What is my offense? What egregious sin have I<br />
committed, that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit<br />
idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on<br />
doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me<br />
for that? Not very likely, I dare say.<br />
MARTIN: Who moved the mustard?<br />
FRASIER: Top shelf, door. And then, when they were<br />
perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them<br />
from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one<br />
another's arms. But am I accorded a hero's welcome for<br />
my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded<br />
about the room?<br />
MARTIN: I don't have my glasses, what's the expiration<br />
date?<br />
FRASIER: Last week.<br />
MARTIN: I'll chance it.<br />
FRASIER: No! Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers,<br />
and make me the villain of the piece. Well, hear me<br />
now, this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere<br />
with those two! This is it! Finished, finito! Non quam<br />
posterior! I know I've made declarations like this before,<br />
but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar! You<br />
note the time on your watch! This - Is - It!<br />
MARTIN: Well, if you figure out a way to get them back<br />
together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.<br />
FRASIER: Have you been listening to me?<br />
MARTIN: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got<br />
through.<br />
DAPHNE: Hello, Dr. Crane. Making yourself a sandwich?<br />
FRASIER: No, Dad did.
DAPHNE: Hope he didn't use the mayonnaise, I meant to<br />
throw it out.<br />
FRASIER: I've seen him eat worse.<br />
DAPHNE: I'll say. Remember when he dropped his hot dog<br />
at the petting zoo? Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry I said those<br />
things about you! I didn't mean them. I guess this all<br />
finally came crashing down on me.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, I know. It's perfectly understandable.<br />
Listen, I know you can't go out on your date with Niles<br />
tonight, but what's to stop two friends from going out to<br />
dinner? My treat, you can even wear that new dress of<br />
yours.<br />
DAPHNE: Thank you. That's a lovely offer, but I think I'll just<br />
stay home tonight, have a quiet night.<br />
FRASIER: Sure you won't change your mind?<br />
DAPHNE: Positive.<br />
SIMON: Hello, all. My furry friend and I have just concluded<br />
our daily constitutional, with young Edward here<br />
dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on<br />
the docket tonight, eh?<br />
DAPHNE: All I want is a quiet night at home.<br />
SIMON: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a<br />
beer while you get dinner started, and then when our<br />
bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will<br />
adjourn to the Winnebago where Mr. Jean Claude van<br />
Damme, the "Muscles from Brussels", will ply his trade<br />
against the forces of evil.<br />
FRASIER: Ready at <strong>eight</strong>?<br />
DAPHNE: Make it seven thirty.<br />
Frasier's Apartment.<br />
NILES: Good idea, Dad. An evening out, just the two of<br />
us. I had no idea you enjoyed the Natural History<br />
Museum.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, sure. And that documentary on the rain forest<br />
is supposed to be great.<br />
NILES: That's what I hear.<br />
MARTIN: Hope it has pygmies, I like pygmies.<br />
NILES: I know you do. So, where's...<br />
MARTIN: She went out with Frasier to a restaurant for<br />
dinner.<br />
NILES: Oh. Did she happen to ask about... Oh. Dad, we're<br />
going up.<br />
MARTIN: I'm sorry. We'll just have to take the long way.
NILES: Why do you like pygmies so much?<br />
MARTIN: They're short and they blow darts. What's not to<br />
like?<br />
The roof of the Elliot Bay Towers. Martin comes out the access door.<br />
NILES: What could possibly be so important for me to see<br />
up here?<br />
MARTIN: The guy in 1708 got some homing pigeons. He built<br />
a coop up here for them.<br />
NILES: Pigeons? I don't like pigeons, they have no respect<br />
for public art.<br />
MARTIN: Trust me, you're gonna like this.<br />
NILES: Dad, I don't think I handled things very well today.<br />
Do you think Daphne will ever forgive me?<br />
MARTIN: Why don't you ask her for yourself?<br />
Daphne is sitting at a table set up for a dinner. There are candles all<br />
around. Frasier pours the champagne, then starts some music.<br />
FRASIER: Your table is ready, sir.<br />
NILES: You look stunning.<br />
DAPHNE: Thank you. You look dashing.<br />
FRASIER: I trust this will be to your liking?<br />
NILES: Everything is to my liking.<br />
DAPHNE: Looks like we're having that first date after all.<br />
NILES: You went to so much trouble!<br />
DAPHNE: It wasn't me, it was your brother.<br />
FRASIER: Well, you know me, I hate to butt in. I had<br />
planned to take Daphne to dinner, when suddenly<br />
inspiration struck. Since you two couldn't go to Au Pied<br />
du Cochon this evening, my faithful companion (Martin<br />
bows) and I would bring it to you courtesy of their caterer.<br />
If dancing at the Starlight Room was impossible, we'd give<br />
you the real thing.<br />
DAPHNE: It's all so overwhelming.<br />
NILES: Frasier, Dad, I don't know what to say. You even got<br />
that man to move his pigeons. Frasier, listen...<br />
FRASIER: Apology accepted, Niles. Oh, just remember to<br />
give the lingonberry sauce a little stir...<br />
MARTIN: They can figure it out.<br />
NILES: Daphne, about today...<br />
DAPHNE: Let's just forget about that. Why don't we start<br />
from here?<br />
NILES: I would love that. To us!<br />
DAPHNE: To us. I'm usually so nervous on a first date. But<br />
not tonight.
NILES: Would you like to dance?<br />
DAPHNE: I'd love to.<br />
NILES: So where you from?<br />
DAPHNE: Manchester, England.<br />
NILES: Oh, my. Big family?<br />
DAPHNE: Hideously. And you?<br />
NILES: I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet. Tenzing<br />
Norgay used to carry me to school. You know what I've<br />
always wondered?<br />
DAPHNE: I think I can guess.<br />
NILES: Yeah.
The Bad Son<br />
Night. A bus pulls over. Frasier & Roz step on. Frasier's soaking wet.<br />
ROZ: Rule number one: always stand in back of the curb<br />
until the bus has come to a complete stop. Now take<br />
your money and put it right in here.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, thank you, Roz, but I am not completely<br />
lacking in street smarts. (to the driver) Good day, busman.<br />
The northwest corner of Highland and 1st, please.<br />
DRIVER: That's the next stop.<br />
FRASIER: I know. Perhaps if I just shove a little<br />
encouragement into this box…<br />
ROZ: Come on! Keep your eyes peeled for a seat, and<br />
hold on to a pole.<br />
FRASIER: Doesn't look very clean, Roz.<br />
ROZ: Well, would you rather wind up on the floor?<br />
An attractive blond woman gets on and sits next to a brunette.<br />
WOMAN: Miranda! Oh, long time. How are things at the<br />
Colonnade?<br />
MIRANDA: Oh, just for you, a mess. Things have gotten so<br />
crazy there, they put me in charge.<br />
ROZ: Which one are you staring at?<br />
FRASIER: I'm not staring. That would be rude. Blonde.<br />
ROZ: Why don't you go over and talk to her?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, come on, the woman's a perfect stranger.<br />
ROZ: Stranger? You know her name, you know she has a<br />
job, you know she's attractive. It's like an A&E biography<br />
compared to what I used to know going in.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, look at me--soaked through, hair's a mess.<br />
ROZ: Believe me, you could look a lot worse.<br />
She gestures to the roof. Frasier looks and sees an ad for his show,<br />
with an eye-patch and goatee inked over his portrait.<br />
FRASIER: After I specifically told people on the air not to do<br />
that!<br />
ROZ: Look, why don't you go over and talk to her? It's not<br />
like you'll ever see her again if she shoots you down.<br />
FRASIER: Perhaps you're right. What harm could it do? My<br />
goodness--who would have thought that such a rare<br />
butterfly could exist in this tin cocoon?<br />
ROZ: Hey, for your information, plenty of refined,<br />
sophisticated women ride the bus every... Open your<br />
eyes, nimrod, that was my stop!
Frasier sits down beside Miranda--cutting off a pregnant woman.<br />
MIRANDA: Oh please, take mine.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you'd better take mine, too. That way you<br />
can spread out. Well, not that you need to spread out,<br />
actually, well, right . . . it's my first time on a bus.<br />
Apartment. Martin is in his Armchair, on the phone.<br />
MARTIN: Well Duke, how's the weather in Florida? Eightytwo!<br />
Oh, I sure envy you. Yes, none of the rain here.<br />
Yeah, Channel Four said it should clear up tomorrow,<br />
but the Channel Five guy said probably not till the<br />
weekend. Yeah, then there's the Weather Channel. Earlymorning<br />
guy said it'll probably break by Saturday, but<br />
then the mid-morning guy... what do you mean, you got<br />
to go? Shuffleboard? Oh come on, Duke, get a life!<br />
DAPHNE: Hey, Niles! I thought you were working.<br />
NILES: Well, the patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by<br />
and see you. Oh my God, you have no idea how good it<br />
feels to say that! I'm here to see you! No more flimsy<br />
pretenses. No more making tedious small talk with<br />
Dad.<br />
MARTIN: Hey Niles, it's <strong>eight</strong>y-two in Florida!<br />
NILES: Here to see Daphne, Dad!<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I'd better check on the roast in the oven.<br />
It's three-seventy-five in there!<br />
MARTIN: All right, no more weather talk. Probably just<br />
getting a little stir-crazy from being cooped up for two<br />
weeks. But won't be too much longer. It'll all end with<br />
the meteor shower on Saturday, if you can believe those<br />
Channel Seven Doppler guys. Oh, I wonder what they're<br />
up to.<br />
DAPHNE: You know that meteor shower we had a few years<br />
ago?<br />
NILES: Oh please, don't remind me. I was over here having<br />
dinner with Maris. I will never forget that night.<br />
DAPHNE: Neither will I. I've never seen a person cut a<br />
caper in half.<br />
NILES: I was out on the terrace witnessing this incredible<br />
display, and I was absolutely miserable. Now I know it's<br />
because I would much rather have been sharing that<br />
moment with you.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I'm here now. Why don't we watch it together<br />
this Saturday?<br />
NILES: Oh Daphne, that's a wonderful idea! We'll recreate<br />
the entire moment, right there on the terrace, right
down to the last detail. Except we'll be together. And<br />
instead of serving the '92 Dom Perignon, we'll serve the<br />
'90, and we'll right two horrible wrongs!<br />
MARTIN: Frasier, what happened?<br />
FRASIER: What happened? I went six months without<br />
replacing my pollen filter in my car, so it was in the<br />
shop. Couldn't get a cab, so I took the bus home. Which<br />
splashed me! And I fell down, missed my stop, and had<br />
to walk home ten blocks in this downpour!<br />
NILES: You went six months without changing your<br />
pollen filter?!<br />
DAPHNE: Looks like you could use a spot of tea.<br />
FRASIER: Desperately!<br />
DAPHNE: What will it be, then? I've got Earl Grey, English<br />
Breakfast, Orange Peacock, Oolong, Lang San Soo…<br />
FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake, just throw a bag in some hot<br />
water! Earl Grey.<br />
MARTIN: Hey Fras, I know it's not your thing, but Duke<br />
sent me a couple of tickets for tomorrow's Sonics game.<br />
You want to go?<br />
FRASIER: I've got plans.<br />
MARTIN: Well, if you don't want to go, just tell me.<br />
FRASIER: I don't want to go.<br />
MARTIN: Would it kill you to spend one night with me?!<br />
FRASIER: For God's sake, I spend every night with you! God<br />
knows, I have done my best to keep you entertained,<br />
but in the seven years since you've landed at my<br />
doorstep, have you ever known me once to show any<br />
interest in basketball?!<br />
NILES: You know I'd go, Dad, but I have the quilt show.<br />
MARTIN: Please Niles, I feel bad enough already.<br />
NILES: Little rough on Dad, weren't you?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I suppose so. It's just been a rotten day. You<br />
don't even know on top of it there was an enchanting<br />
young woman on the bus. Just when I'd worked up<br />
enough nerve to go and talk to her, I slipped on<br />
something that I can only hope was an old burrito! Before<br />
I could manage to get up, she was gone.<br />
NILES: Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.<br />
FRASIER: Wait a minute. You know, I did happen to<br />
overhear her name, and where she works.<br />
NILES: Well then, what are you waiting for? Seize the day!<br />
You think I got together with Daphne by just sitting<br />
around? Take a chapter from my book.
FRASIER: Exactly what chapter would that be?<br />
NILES: The last chapter.<br />
FRASIER: Yes. Suppose I did go and talk with her? What<br />
would I say? "I spied on you on the bus, and I've<br />
managed to hunt you down here where you work,<br />
would you care to have dinner sometime?" I might as<br />
well just lop off my ear and mail it to her.<br />
NILES: No, just pretend you're there on business. Where<br />
does she work?<br />
FRASIER: It's a retirement home.<br />
NILES: Well, tell her you're there looking for someplace<br />
for Dad. In fact, bring him along for cover.<br />
FRASIER: No, no, you know how he hates those places. He'd<br />
never agree to it.<br />
NILES: Well, he doesn't need to. Just take him to the game<br />
tomorrow, and make an unannounced stop on the way.<br />
FRASIER: So you're suggesting that I go crawling back to<br />
Dad, beg him to let me take him to the basketball game,<br />
use him to meet a pretty girl, and sit through a sport I<br />
loathe.<br />
NILES: All right, I see your point.<br />
FRASIER: No, I'm just trying to get the sequence right.<br />
The Colonnade. The foyer of the retirement home.<br />
MARTIN: You could have told me we were stopping here<br />
when we left for the game.<br />
FRASIER: If you'd known that, you never would have<br />
agreed to come.<br />
MARTIN: Well, you didn't have to trick me. I mean, I would<br />
never do anything like that to you.<br />
FRASIER: It seems someone is forgetting sending Niles and<br />
me off to Boy Scout Camp to earn our "Opera Badges!"<br />
Oh, there she is! All right, now listen, remember, you're<br />
interested in living here.<br />
MARTIN: All right, but I don't want to be late for the game.<br />
FRASIER: Excuse me, I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father<br />
Martin. We're interested in finding out a bit more<br />
about the Colonnade. Is there someone we could talk to?<br />
MIRANDA: Oh well, I'm the director here, Miranda Rogers.<br />
Why don't I get you a couple of brochures, and if you<br />
like what you see, you can fill out an application. It<br />
only takes about twenty minutes.<br />
MARTIN: Twenty minutes?
FRASIER: Yes, Dad, application, twenty minutes. He likes to<br />
repeat things, it's a soothing mechanism. Twentyminutes,<br />
twenty-minutes.<br />
MIRANDA: You're very patient with him. I'll be right back.<br />
MARTIN: You didn't say I'd have to put anything in<br />
writing. You haven't even seen her before, have you?<br />
You're trying to put me in here for real! You said you<br />
met her on the bus, I knew that story was full of holes!<br />
FRASIER: For God's sake, will you just stop it? No one's going<br />
to put you anywhere!<br />
MARTIN: You're damn right they're not, because I'm not<br />
filling out any application! So will you hurry up and<br />
make your date, and let's get off this ice floe!<br />
MIRANDA: You know, I'm starting a tour in a few minutes,<br />
it'd be a good way to get your questions answered.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that's a splendid idea. Dad, a tour. A tour.<br />
Now come along.<br />
Miranda leads the tour group back into the foyer.<br />
MIRANDA: As you can see, we're a full service facility...<br />
MARTIN: Will you hurry up and ask her? If we move any<br />
slower in this place they're gonna start harvesting our<br />
organs!<br />
FRASIER: All right! It's kind of difficult with all these people<br />
around.<br />
MARTIN: Well, the game's already started. Two minutes, and<br />
I'm calling a cab.<br />
LEE: Hey, I know you. McGinty's, right? We could really<br />
use a fourth for poker, if you're moving in.<br />
MARTIN: Oh jeez, no, I'm sorry. I'm just here to do a favor<br />
for my son. We're on our way over to the ballgame.<br />
LEE: Uh-huh. They told me I was going to the Space Needle.<br />
MIRANDA: If you have any more questions, don't hesitate<br />
to ask.<br />
FRASIER: Well actually, you know, I do have one more<br />
question... do you think it'd be possible to have dinner<br />
sometime?<br />
MIRANDA: Oh, sure. Come by with your father around five<br />
tomorrow and I'll set you up at the cafeteria. I should<br />
warn you tomorrow's steak night, so be prepared to throw<br />
a few elbows! And you just asked me out on a date, didn't<br />
you? You know, I don't normally date people I've just<br />
met, but you seem like such a nice person. I can tell by<br />
the way you are with your father.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, we're very close. All right, Dad, I<br />
checked and the rain's letting up a bit.
Apartment. Night. Frasier opens the door to Niles.<br />
NILES: Daphne and I are watching the meteor shower on<br />
the terrace.<br />
FRASIER: No, you're not, I have a date! Go to the roof.<br />
NILES: We can't do that, we're having a recreation! (Daphne<br />
comes out) Oh, you'll never believe this. Frasier wants to<br />
send us to the roof!<br />
DAPHNE: What a romantic idea.<br />
NILES: Isn't it?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, it's very romantic, now get your crap and go!<br />
NILES: Where'd you put Dad, in storage?<br />
FRASIER: I have no idea where Dad is. All I know is that<br />
he's not here, and you are! Good evening, Miranda. Come<br />
in. I'd like to introduce you to my brother Niles Crane.<br />
I'm so sorry, my brother's not very social, really.<br />
MIRANDA: Oh, you have a beautiful place! Something tells<br />
me this must be your father's chair.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, you know, I insisted that he bring it<br />
with him when he moved in here. I mean, after all, this<br />
is his home too.<br />
MIRANDA: How thoughtful of you. Well, I imagine he'll be<br />
bringing that with him when he moves in.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, Miranda, you know, I've got to be honest<br />
with you... as much as I like the Colonnade, I'm not sure<br />
Dad's really ready to move in yet.<br />
MIRANDA: Well then, I guess he hasn't told you. Your father<br />
filled out an application today.<br />
FRASIER: Application? My father? Today?<br />
MIRANDA: Sounds like he's moving out just in time, you're<br />
picking up that repeating thing.<br />
Elliot Bay Towers Roof. Niles and Daphne are sitting on the roof.<br />
NILES: You know, I've been giving a lot of thought to this<br />
idea of a pet name for you.<br />
DAPHNE: And you've decided to give it up?<br />
NILES: No, I don't give up that easily... "Woggles." I was<br />
kidding. You're not really a "Woggles." You're more of a<br />
"Cuddles." No, I was kidding again! Someone stop me!<br />
DAPHNE: Well, what have we got in here, then? That's<br />
peanut brittle. I made it myself so we could have<br />
something sweet. Try some.<br />
NILES: Oh well, I hardly need something sweet with you<br />
here.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, you are such a dear. Seriously, try some.
NILES: Mmm. Oh... it's like little shards of heaven.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh dear! The wind's picked up.<br />
NILES: Oh dear! I hope nothing else blows away!<br />
DAPHNE: What happened to the peanut brittle?<br />
NILES: It blew away! I'll run and get some books to hold this<br />
cloth down.<br />
Stairwell. The door slams shut, trapping Niles in the stairwell.<br />
DAPHNE: I moved the block to hold down the blanket and<br />
now the door seems to be stuck.<br />
NILES: All right, Daphne, you sit tight, I'll run and get the<br />
super, he'll have it open in a minute… Daphne, where's<br />
the key to the stairway door?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I've got it. I'll slide it under.<br />
NILES: Oh, all right. No problem, take your time, no need<br />
to panic.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, dear. There is no under. It's sealed tight.<br />
NILES: Sealed? All right, now Daphne, try and remain calm.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, we'll just have to wait for the night<br />
watchman. He checks all these doors when he does his<br />
rounds in a few hours.<br />
NILES: For the last time, Daphne, I told you not to panic,<br />
and so you don't make me say it again, I have to<br />
conserve oxygen!<br />
The Colonnade. Martin is playing seven-card stud in the foyer with<br />
Lee and two other residents. Frasier comes in.<br />
LEE: Hey look, Marty, there's your son.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, nice try, like I'd take my eyes off you<br />
while you're dealing.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, Fras! Keep going, guys, I'm in. What<br />
happened to your date?<br />
FRASIER: Oh well, suffice it to say it didn't go so well.<br />
Spent the whole time worried about you. Listen, I came<br />
down to apologize. I've been selfish, and I've neglected<br />
you, and I'm sorry.<br />
MARTIN: Oh well, apology accepted, son. We've both been<br />
a little cranky, it's probably just the rain.<br />
FRASIER: No, Dad, listen, I want us to go to games together,<br />
I really do. And I want us to see movies, and go drinking<br />
at McGinty's. Dad, I'm trying to say something here. I'm<br />
not ready for you to leave. I don't want you to move in<br />
here. I miss you too much. Please, Dad, come home.
Miranda told me you filled out an application, that you<br />
told her you'd found a new home.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I had to. It's the only way to stay in the<br />
game, it's for residents only.<br />
FRASIER: This was just a ruse so you could continue<br />
playing poker?<br />
MARTIN: Well, it's not just poker, it's poker with the three<br />
worst players I've ever seen!<br />
LEE: Hey Marty, you in? Sid's got a pair of tens showing.<br />
MARTIN: Look at me, Sid! Raise you twenty. (to Frasier) You<br />
dream about getting in games like this all your life, but<br />
you never think it's gonna happen!<br />
FRASIER: Dad, please, I can't let you go on taking<br />
advantage of these people!<br />
MARTIN: Well, I'm not taking advantage of them, I'm giving<br />
them an education! Consider it an expensive seminar.<br />
FRASIER: Seminar, my eye! Now you're gonna give every<br />
cent of that money back to those men!<br />
MARTIN: All right. I'll let them win it back.<br />
LEE: Come on, Marty, you in?<br />
MARTIN: All right, yeah, I'm in. Let's see, Lee's got a pair of<br />
aces, whoa! And three tens here! What have I got? Four,<br />
five, seven . . . well, I'll just bet it all.<br />
LEE: Too rich for my blood. (all three of them fold)<br />
FRASIER: I'll leave the light on for you, Dad.<br />
Elliot Bay Towers Roof. Daphne is sitting against the door.<br />
DAPHNE: How are you holding up? Is that spider still<br />
around?<br />
NILES: Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I<br />
am of him... He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!<br />
Oh, there it is, found him. Oh Daphne, you must be<br />
starving. Don't wait for me, you go ahead and eat.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I just saw a meteor! Oh, it's beautiful! It just<br />
appeared out of nowhere!<br />
NILES: That's it! I missed it the last time, I'm not gonna let it<br />
happen again! Daphne, stand back, this door is coming<br />
down! (rams his shoulder into the door)<br />
DAPHNE: Ok, I'm ready! Oh, I just saw another one! Oh, it's<br />
breathtaking! It just streaked from one end of the sky to<br />
the other! Oh Niles, I wish you could see this.<br />
NILES: Oh, so do I, my love.<br />
DAPHNE: What did you just call me?
NILES: Oh well, it was kind of a place-filler. I didn't have<br />
time to think of a good one.<br />
DAPHNE: No, I like it. "My love." Oh, I just saw another one!<br />
NILES: What's it look like?<br />
DAPHNE: It's got a long, glittering tail. It reminds me of the<br />
time my father drove home from the pub with a<br />
trashcan stuck underneath his car. Sparks were flying<br />
everywhere! Did I ever tell you that story?<br />
NILES: No, you never did... my love.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, my father stopped in at the pub on his way<br />
home from work...
The Great Crane Robbery<br />
KACL. Frasier is wrapping up his show.<br />
FRASIER: I would like to close the show today with a truly<br />
inspirational tale. One year ago, a very successful friend<br />
of mine was struck by tragedy. Prognosis: not good.<br />
Hope: slim. But armed with only fortitude, this friend of<br />
mine fought back. I'm talking, of course, about the<br />
reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri! Just<br />
goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for<br />
five-star courage. This is Frasier Crane saying good day,<br />
and good mental health.<br />
ROZ: See, you still don't have a table for opening night.<br />
FRASIER: And it's killing me!<br />
KENNY: Ok everyone, it's show time. The new station<br />
owner's on his way down. So look alive! Watch what<br />
you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much,<br />
don't say too little. What the hell's this thermostat set at,<br />
anyway?!<br />
FRASIER: Good lord, Kenny, calm down! We've done the<br />
"new owner" drill a million times. What'll it be today, Roz,<br />
the glad-handing sycophant, or our salute to<br />
teamwork? Come on, you know how these people come<br />
and go. They introduce themselves, they shake your<br />
hand, tell us they're big fans, and then they're gone.<br />
Nothing ever changes. So don't worry about it.<br />
KENNY: Well, that's easy for you to say, you've got a<br />
contract!<br />
Todd Peterson, KACL's new owner, comes in the booth with a candy<br />
bar. Todd is a casually dressed redheaded man in his twenties.<br />
KENNY: Oh hello, sir! Clark-Bar! Excellent choice, sir!<br />
FRASIER: You must be the new owner. Hi, I'm Frasier Crane<br />
and this is my producer Roz Doyle.<br />
KENNY: Mr. Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon<br />
Valley. And he's one of the youngest members of the<br />
Fortune 500.<br />
TODD: Please, you're embarrassing me.<br />
KENNY: And he's a big fan of your show.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, now you're embarrassing me! Go on.<br />
TODD: It's true, I've been listening since college. I love the<br />
theme weeks. But I was really into "Follow-up Fridays,"<br />
when you had previous callers call in, let you know how<br />
they're doing. Why'd you stop doing that?
FRASIER: Oh well, it wasn't MY idea. (Todd glares at Kenny)<br />
You know, Todd, seeing as how you are such a big fan,<br />
perhaps I could bend your ear sometime about a few<br />
ideas I have for the show.<br />
TODD: Great! I'd love to hear them.<br />
FRASIER: Really? Well, how about later today perhaps, over<br />
cocktails at my place?<br />
TODD: That would be cool!<br />
FRASIER: Cool indeed! Right, and may I say it's truly an<br />
honor to be serving under your leadership! This is a<br />
great day for KACL, indeed for radio itself!<br />
ROZ: I see you decided to skip "glad-handing sycophant"<br />
and go straight for "boot-licking kiss-ass."<br />
Apartment. Martin straddles a chair while Daphne massages him.<br />
DAPHNE: Is that too much?<br />
MARTIN: Oh no, it feels great, Daph. Lot of elbow grease<br />
there today.<br />
DAPHNE: I suppose I'm a bit wound up. Niles is out with<br />
Mel. I don't trust that woman.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, come on. He's not with her because he wants<br />
to be. He's just gonna give her what she wants so she'll<br />
give him the divorce. He's crazy about you, you know<br />
that. Still, Niles has been gone for a long time.<br />
NILES: Hello! Sorry I'm late, Mel picked a restaurant on the<br />
other side of town.<br />
DAPHNE: I'm getting so tired of that woman's antics.<br />
MARTIN: Antics, that's what they are! (she digs in even harder)<br />
DAPHNE: This whole charade, making you pretend you're<br />
a happy couple, it's so unfair!<br />
MARTIN: Criminal! She won't even allow you to be seen<br />
in public together! (she does nothing) Did you hear that?<br />
DAPHNE: Give it up, old man, the massage is over.<br />
NILES: Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me<br />
that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris...<br />
Florence... Rio...<br />
DAPHNE: How about my room to fold laundry?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company<br />
coming over. So if you don't mind…<br />
MARTIN: Oh, hot date, huh?<br />
FRASIER: Well, actually, Dad, the new station owner's<br />
coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.<br />
MARTIN: Well, it's a woman at least, right?
FRASIER: Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Dad.<br />
Oh Todd, come on in.<br />
TODD: Hi, Frasier. Whoa! Sweet view! Is that a Pizza Hut?<br />
FRASIER: Well, we did start a petition…<br />
TODD: Well, it must have worked. That is a Pizza Hut!<br />
You've got a great place here, Fras! (picks up an African<br />
sculpture) I like this. What, did your kid carve it in camp?<br />
FRASIER: Actually, that's a fertility god from Central Africa,<br />
it's quite rare. Say, Todd, can I interest you in a sherry?<br />
TODD: Nah. It'd be wasted on me. I don't know the first<br />
thing about that stuff.<br />
FRASIER: Oh well, in the great scheme of things, it's not<br />
really very important.<br />
TODD: It kind of is. I mean, ever since my search engine<br />
went public, people have been inviting me to<br />
fundraisers and banquets. They expect me to know all<br />
sorts of things about art and music, wine--I don't know<br />
jack, it's embarrassing.<br />
FRASIER: I'm sure you're exaggerating.<br />
TODD: No, I spent my whole life in front of a computer. I<br />
don't know Beethoven from... Beethoven's the only one I<br />
know!<br />
FRASIER: You know, it's never too late to learn. I'd be<br />
delighted to give you some pointers. I will play Virgil to<br />
your Dante. (Todd's lost) In a few weeks, I can guarantee<br />
you, you will find that delightfully droll. Say, how about<br />
that sherry? Which you should know, is a fortified wine.<br />
TODD: Wow, Frasier, you really know your stuff! Look at<br />
these great paintings, cool furniture, African sex toys!<br />
This is how I should be living... how much you want for<br />
the place? I could use a place in town. Name your price.<br />
FRASIER: Oh no, Todd. My humble home is not for sale.<br />
But, you know, as luck would have it, there happens<br />
to be a unit available directly below mine.<br />
TODD: This'll be great, we'll be neighbors! You can teach me<br />
to have as much taste and style as you. And I can do<br />
everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.<br />
FRASIER: I knew one day you'd come.<br />
Café Nervosa. Niles is seated at a table. Frasier comes in.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, mind if I join you?<br />
NILES: Oh well, just for a little while, I'm meeting Mel here.<br />
Oh, which reminds me. (slips on his wedding ring)<br />
FRASIER: Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that.
NILES: Oh no, actually this is wonderful news. She called.<br />
She said my days of playing the devoted husband are<br />
coming to an end. Frasier, I think my wife is finally<br />
going to dump me.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, and they said it would last. You know,<br />
actually, I'm celebrating an event myself. You see, I've<br />
just become... a mentor.<br />
NILES: Good for you, Frasier, helping the unprivileged.<br />
FRASIER: Actually, he's a billionaire.<br />
NILES: Ah, the forgotten minority.<br />
FRASIER: It's the new station owner.<br />
NILES: Oh, for heaven's sake, you're mentoring your boss?<br />
How did you flatter your way into that job?<br />
FRASIER: Well, Niles, I didn't. The boy practically begged<br />
me. I mean, he got rich overnight, and he's hardly had<br />
time to shed his fraternity house ways.<br />
NILES: Sounds like an enormous project.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I am a teacher at heart, after all. You know,<br />
last night I took him to Le Café du Peridee, to practice<br />
sending back wine. Excuse me. (answers phone) Hello?<br />
Todd, yes, we were just talking about you! No, never<br />
French cuffs with a button-down collar. (into phone) The<br />
long collar, yes. What sort of stripes? Don't move, I'll be<br />
right down there! (hangs up) I have to go. Ah, Mel.<br />
NILES: Mel, hello. Well, I gather things are coming to an<br />
end. Thank you for being true to your word.<br />
MEL: No, thank you for doing such a good job in Phase<br />
One. Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now,<br />
people will wonder why - when, you know, we've been<br />
so happy. So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm<br />
going to leave you, as you're going to drive me away.<br />
NILES: How?<br />
MEL: Through a series of staged events, in which you will<br />
thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of<br />
a complete ass! For instance, this weekend we're going<br />
to the opera…<br />
NILES: I see. So you want me to hog the opera glasses and<br />
remain seated during the ovation, something of that<br />
nature? Well, I suppose I could manage it.<br />
MEL: No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably some<br />
board member will come over to say hello, and I want<br />
you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him!<br />
NILES: That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town<br />
and nothing will make me behave that way!<br />
MEL: Looks like we're going to be married for a long time.
Apartment. Night. Frasier opens the door to Roz and Kenny.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, what are you two doing here? Todd's<br />
apartment's one floor down.<br />
ROZ: We know. But why walk into his housewarming<br />
alone when we can go in with his idol?<br />
FRASIER: Oh please, I'm hardly his idol. I'm a paragon at<br />
best.<br />
KENNY: What's that?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, just a little something that Todd admired<br />
when he was over.<br />
KENNY: I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts! Oh,<br />
now I'm screwed! I am so fired. God, why did I give my<br />
wife the go-ahead for that above-ground pool?<br />
ROZ: Better calm down, Kenny. I gave you my last pair of<br />
dress shields.<br />
FRASIER: Now, remember that Todd has had people<br />
working round the clock, transforming his apartment<br />
into his vision of style and taste. And no matter how<br />
primitive we may think it is, it's best to be kind. We<br />
don't want to stifle his budding creativity.<br />
ROZ: You also don't want to stifle that fat syndication deal<br />
he's putting together for you.<br />
TODD: Hey guys, come on in!<br />
Todd has duplicated Frasier's apartment exactly.<br />
Café Nervosa. Niles is at table. Frasier comes in and joins him.<br />
FRASIER: Hello, Niles. Say, if memory serves, you went to<br />
the opera with Mel last night. So, did you cause a public<br />
spectacle? I didn't read anything in the society pages.<br />
NILES: No, well, it didn't go exactly as I expected. At<br />
intermission I got my drink and waited for someone to<br />
approach Mel. And finally someone did. Founder's<br />
Circle stalwart Ace Linneur. I coiled, panther-like, ready<br />
to fling my drink on his shirtfront, when I noticed he was<br />
wearing that wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his.<br />
Well, I couldn't raise my hand against such a<br />
magnificent garment.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, that tux is a blend and you know it.<br />
NILES: Yes, of course I know it! Frasier, I just couldn't do it!<br />
That kind of loutish behavior, it's just not in my nature.<br />
FRASIER: Of course, Niles, that goes without saying. Just<br />
remember for whom you're doing all this.<br />
NILES: Believe me, Daphne is the only thing that is keeping<br />
me going through all of this. Tonight I'm supposed to
meet Mel for dinner at Chez Henri, and make an ass of<br />
myself in front of her society friends.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, lord-Chez Henri. Their menu is just the<br />
culinary minefield to test Todd's mettle. Hmm...<br />
NILES: Oh, your protégé. How's that coming along?<br />
FRASIER: Actually, things have taken a bit of an odd<br />
turn. You see, yesterday I went to his housewarming<br />
party. As it turns out, to my surprise, he has duplicated<br />
my apartment exactly. Only thing missing is an old man<br />
and a little dog. I was beside myself.<br />
NILES: Well, of course you were! I assume you read him the<br />
riot act.<br />
FRASIER: Well, he is my boss. He has big plans for my show.<br />
Do I really want to jeopardize that? There's Todd now.<br />
(Frasier's and Todd's suits are exactly identical)<br />
NILES: Hello, and may I say, what a lovely outfit. Hope you<br />
got the volume discount.<br />
TODD: Guess who's officially hooked on classics!<br />
FRASIER: Oh well, good for you. Now Todd, I'd like to talk<br />
to you about your apartment.<br />
TODD: You don't like it.<br />
FRASIER: Oh no, I do like it. I've liked it for <strong>eight</strong> years.<br />
TODD: So what's the problem?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I was hoping that my influence would help<br />
you to find your own style, not that you would simply<br />
duplicate mine.<br />
TODD: What am I doing? I'm in way over my head here,<br />
let's admit it, with all this culture stuff. I should just stick<br />
to what I know, computers -- I'm a computer guy!<br />
FRASIER: No, Todd, you know, perhaps we just took on a bit<br />
too much too soon.<br />
TODD: I need to move back to San Jose, sell the apartment,<br />
sell the radio station…<br />
FRASIER: Steady at the wheel, Todd. Now listen, all we're<br />
really talking about is a couple of couches and some<br />
coffee tables.<br />
TODD: But you said we shouldn't have the same apartment.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, and we shouldn't... Perhaps I'm being too<br />
hasty about which of us should be doing the changing.<br />
Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions!<br />
Décor is, after all, a fluid art!<br />
TODD: Should I be writing this down?<br />
FRASIER: No, Todd. Listen, I want you to keep the<br />
apartment the way it is. After all, it's a look that has<br />
served me well, but it's time that I move on.
Chez Henri. Niles and Mel are with two other couples.<br />
MEL: Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect<br />
gentlemen all night… now cut it out! And do something<br />
offensive!<br />
NILES: I don't know at which table you've been sitting! Did<br />
you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll?<br />
MEL: I need more than that, and you know it. Now, my<br />
friends are giving you plenty to work with. Andrew has<br />
been drinking like a fish, and Margaret is wearing that<br />
revolting dress again.<br />
NILES: Meow! I'm glad you're on my side. I can do this.<br />
MARGARET: Oh, you newlyweds! Just can't be apart for one<br />
second!<br />
MEL: We still have wine, would anyone like a refill?<br />
ANDREW: I'm a little dry.<br />
NILES: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking!<br />
MEL: Niles! We just discussed you were not going to bring<br />
that up!<br />
NILES: Well I did, so there. (she kicks him under the table) And<br />
I'll say it again! You're probably seeing two of me, so you<br />
might as well hear me twice! You sir, are a complete<br />
drunk!<br />
ANDREW: Niles, how could you... How could you know? I<br />
thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem, it's<br />
time I face it.<br />
CHIP: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't<br />
have the courage.<br />
LUCY: Not like Niles. You're a good person.<br />
ANDREW: I'm getting help first thing tomorrow. I'm so<br />
sorry, baby.<br />
MARGARET: (to Niles) Thank you for giving me my husband<br />
back. Mel, darling, you married an angel.<br />
MEL: Don't I know it.<br />
Apartment. Martin comes into the living room. The Apartment is<br />
now completely redecorated with black, boxy furniture.<br />
FRASIER: What do you think of the new look?<br />
MARTIN: Nice stuff. You really tied the flow to the motif.<br />
FRASIER: Thanks for trying. Well, shall we give it a test<br />
run? A little music...<br />
Frasier tries to capture the right look over and over again until the<br />
apartment is totally bare.<br />
FRASIER: There's nothing here. I give up. I've tried a<br />
million combinations. I even had early Byzantine<br />
mingling with mid-century Danish!
MARTIN: Will they ever get along?<br />
FRASIER: The only furniture that looks good in my<br />
apartment is my own!<br />
MARTIN: Well, I could have told you that three loveseats<br />
ago! So what are you waiting for? Go bring it back!<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to<br />
find your organic furniture polish.<br />
FRASIER: Well Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to<br />
polish the floors.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, yes. When God closes a door he opens a<br />
window.<br />
FRASIER: You know, Dad, even if I do get my furniture<br />
back, it doesn't solve anything! There's still someone<br />
downstairs with my apartment!<br />
MARTIN: That's not your apartment, this is your apartment!<br />
And if every stooge in the building rips you off, it<br />
doesn't take anything away from you because you were<br />
the original!<br />
FRASIER: I am, aren't I? You know I did, after all, create<br />
that look, and that should be gratification enough.<br />
MARTIN: Good for you, son.<br />
FRASIER: I mean, besides, you know, Todd's hardly ever<br />
here. He doesn't have very many friends. You know, in<br />
fact, the only person who's ever gonna see that<br />
apartment is probably the Pizza Hut delivery boy! Ah<br />
Todd, come on in.<br />
TODD: Hey, Fras, I just need to know the name of the chick<br />
who made our couch.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, right, it's a reproduction of the one Coco<br />
Chanel had in her Paris atelier. But why?<br />
TODD: The writer from "Architectural Digest" wants to know.<br />
They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment! And I<br />
have you to thank for it, buddy! Well, I got to go, the<br />
photographer's waiting. Later.<br />
FRASIER: I need to sit down!