Helping Your Teen Say "No" to Sex - The Center for Latino ...

FAMILIES
TALKING
TOGETHER
MODULE 8:
Helping Your Teen Say
“No” to Sex
Linking Lives Health Education Program

HELPING YOUR
TEEN SAY “NO”
TO SEX
As children become teenagers, many of them
become interested in sex. This is a normal step in
their development. But when teens act on their
impulses by having sex, they put themselves in
danger in many ways.
One major risk is unintended pregnancy. In the
United States, about 2,000 teenagers become
pregnant every day. Teen pregnancy can interfere
with school, make it harder to get a good job, and
can create many hardships for teens and their
families. Unfortunately, Latinas and African American
teenagers have the highest rates of pregnancy in the
United States and in New York.
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Teens who have sex may also get a sexually transmitted
infection. Most of us know about AIDS, but may not know
that there are many other sexually transmitted infections
that are common in teenagers. Some of these infections
cause long-term, painful health problems —even cancer.
Some make it impossible for women to have children.
Many of these infections show no signs at first, so teens
do not even know they have them. The infections can
really do harm to your child if not treated.
Very few young teens are mature enough to protect
themselves from these risks. And it is a problem because
more teens than you think have sex. For example, in the
United States, one in 10 African American or Latino teens
has had sex by the age of 13.
You owe it to your child to discourage sexual activity
during these years. Latino teens get less information
about sex from their parents than other groups. And we
know that simply telling your teen “Don’t have sex!” does
not work. Latino families can use their closeness and
strong bond to talk about these issues. It is important for
the well-being of your teen and your entire family.
You owe it to your
child to discourage
sexual activity during
these years.
YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Yet many parents
wonder if talking with their child will do any good. Some
parents don’t talk with their teens because they think
that teens don’t listen to parents. Others think that teen
hormones are just too strong, so what can a parent
possibly do? Still other parents think that kids go through
“stages” that push them to try out risky behaviors, and
that there is nothing a parent can do. Sometimes Latino
parents think no matter what they do, a master plan
guides their teen and nothing they say can interrupt
those forces.

The good news is that parents can make a difference. Research shows
that teens do listen to their parents—even though it may not always
seem that way. Latino teens say that their parents and family are the
most important people in their lives. They say that they respect and
feel closest to their parents. So it is really important that you talk with
your teen. Your child’s health and well-being are at stake.
There are many topics that deal with sex that parents can talk
about. These include the biology of sex, relationships in general,
birth control, oral sex, and homosexuality, to name a few. We are
not going to cover these topics here. Our focus is on ways you can
discourage your teen from having sexual intercourse at this time in
his/her life. We will offer you ideas about how to talk with your child
about this topic.
Sometimes, topics about sex are taught in schools. But even if they
are taught, not enough is said. The lessons are brief. They do not take
into account your teen’s special qualities. You know and understand
your teen in ways that teachers cannot. Take advantage of this, and of
the closeness that Latino families have. Talk with your teen.
Some Latino teens say their friends are their main source of
information about sex. This topic is too important to have teenagers
receiving most or all of their information from one another.
Research shows
that teens do listen
to their parents—
even though it may
not always seem
that way.
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Why Parents Don’t
Talk About Sex
If you are like many parents, you may think that you
don’t really need to talk with your child about sex. You
may think that your teen knows they should not have
sex based on your family’s values. Or you may feel that
bringing up the subject is just too hard. Here are some
common reasons that parents give for why it is hard to
talk with their teens about sex.
If parents do not talk
with their teens about
staying away from sex,
their teens are more
likely to have sex.
IT’S TOO EMBARRASSING. Some parents do not talk
with their teens about waiting to have sex because they
think it will be embarrassing. The fact is, you may have a
few uncomfortable moments during such talks. But your
teen’s future is at stake. Do you really want to let a little
embarrassment prevent you from giving your child the
best chance for a safe and successful life? Most parents
who feel embarrassed at first tell us that the feeling does
not last long. They are glad they went ahead and brought
up the topic. It’s not all that bad. We will give you lots of
pointers to help you.
I WILL HAVE TROUBLE EXPLAINING THINGS. Some
parents fear that they will have difficulty explaining
things. They say they do not know enough about the
topic. This booklet will help you and give you the
information you need. Other parents think that they can
not say things clearly enough. One way to get around this
is to practice what you are going to say before talking
to your teen. Just go over it in your head. You might
even write a simple outline as a way of organizing your
thoughts. (But don’t actually use the outline when you
talk). Or try practicing what you’ll say out loud with a
friend. Later, we will give you suggestions for how you
might phrase your thoughts. This will help a lot.

MY TEEN KNOWS IT ALL. Many parents say that when
they try to talk to their teen about sex, the teen says, “I
already know all about it.” End of discussion! But research
shows that many teens who think they know a lot about
sex really do not. Tell your teen that you still want to talk.
Tell your teen that there are many different topics on
waiting to have sex and you want to be sure that the two
of you touch base on all of them. Let your child know that
having this talk is really important to you.
MY TEEN WOULD NEVER DO THAT. Some Latino
parents think, “My teens already know what they should
do. They would not bring that kind of shame into our
family.” But research shows that even for parents who
say this, talking is important. If parents do not talk with
their teens about staying away from sex, their teens are
more likely to have sex. It is as simple as that.
I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT: I WOULD BE
UNCOMFORTABLE. Some parents don’t think they would
feel comfortable talking with their teen about waiting
to have sex. They do not know where to talk. They do
not know how to get a conversation going. They do not
know what to say. They do not know how to react when
their teen says something like, “But other kids do it and
I am really curious.” All of these are things we will help
you with in this booklet. We will try to help you feel
comfortable and relaxed in these talks.
MY CHURCH MAY DISAPPROVE. Talking to your
adolescent child about sex may be difficult because
of what you think your church community might feel.
It is important to remember that the guidance and
wisdom that the church provides can help you advise
your teen. Discussions about sex that are focused on
your religious beliefs and values may help your teen
understand how these morals are important in their
decision not to have sex.
IF I TALK ABOUT IT, IT WILL HAPPEN. Some parents
feel that if they talk about sex with their child, then they
will be encouraging their teen to think about it, and will
therefore increase the chances that the teen will have
sex. However, research has shown that when parents are
the major source of information about sex, teens are less
likely to engage in it.
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As you talk with your
child about these
things, you will help
your child think in a
more mature way.
Some Positives About
Talking About Sex
Talking with your teen about waiting to have sex is
important for many reasons besides preventing pregnancy
and sexually transmitted infections. It shows that you are
a responsible parent and that you take being a parent very
seriously. It shows that you care about your children and
what happens to him/her. If your child does not become
wrapped up in a sexual relationship with another teen, then
he/she can focus more on school. As you talk with your
child about these things, you will help your child think in a
more mature way. You will be teaching your child how to be
more mature. These things will help your child do better in
life. Remember, you can make a difference!
A Matter of Timing
WHEN SHOULD I TALK WITH MY CHILD? Many parents
are not sure when they should talk with their children about
waiting to have sex. The best time to talk is before your child
starts having sex. It is much easier to deal with the issues

eforehand than to try to stop your teen once he/she has
started having sex. But when is “before?” Research shows
that many children have sex well before their parents
think they have. This means that you should talk earlier
rather than later. Many parents begin these talks with their
children between the ages of 10 and 12. For many Latino
parents, it is hard to believe that children this young have
had sex. But you do not want to wait until it is too late.
HOW DO I FIND THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE? Some
parents do not talk with their teens because they can’t
find the right time and place. Sometimes it is easy to do it
after something has happened that is related to teen sex.
This might be after you and your teen have seen a news
story on television about teen sex, or after a movie where
teen sex is part of the plot. Or, you may simply ask your
child to sit down to have a talk with you. Either way, you’ll
want to choose a place that is quiet, private, and free of
distractions. Make sure that neither of you has a deadline
or an appointment that will make you cut short your talk.
Some parents set up regular times—perhaps once a week
or once a month—to talk with their teen about topics
that are important to them. During these special “talk
times,” both the parent and the teen know that open
and respectful discussions will take place. Such a routine
guarantees the right time and place for discussing sexual
issues. One mother with whom we talked plans activities
with her teenage daughter that take place outside the
home about once a month. The mom and teen choose
activities that they both enjoy, such as going for a walk
or ice-skating. When they have this chance to be alone
together in a relaxed setting, both feel more comfortable
talking about sensitive topics.
HOW OFTEN SHOULD I TALK? Many parents talk with
their teens about sex just once, in what has come to be
called “The Big Talk.” If only it were so simple! Your teen
is going through many changes. He/she experiences new
opportunities and pressures all the time. Each year, your
teen continues to mature physically, mentally, socially,
morally, and emotionally. It is not realistic to think that
a single talk can have such a lasting effect. Rather than
a single talk, it is better to have ongoing talks with your
child throughout the teen years. Touching base with
your teen about sexual issues on a regular basis is a
great way for parents to be involved. It can make a huge
difference for the decisions your teen makes.
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Getting the
Conversation Started
Once you and your teen are ready to talk, how do you get
the talk going? How do you get things started? Here are
some ideas:
THE DIRECT APPROACH. Some parents get right to the
point. In this approach, you might tell your teen that you
know that some kids his/her age are interested in sex
and that you want to understand why kids feel this way.
Then you might ask questions like, “So, are there any kids
in your school who talk about having sex? What kinds
of things are they saying?” You can eventually work the
conversation around to discussing reasons not to have
sex. Make clear that you want to hear your teen’s opinions
as well as express your own. Latino communication styles
often mean that parents are doing most of the talking
and telling their teens what they should think or do.
It is important to remember that teens like to express
themselves and like to have plenty of time to talk.
THE INDIRECT APPROACH. Other parents like to bring
up the topic of waiting to have sex in a less direct way.
You could begin by talking about relationships and dating
in general. You might ask if any of your teen’s friends are
dating and what their relationships are like. Allow your
teen plenty of time to talk about his/her friends and their
relationships. Many Latino teens feel that their parents
don’t give them time to talk, so remember to give them
plenty of time to open up. Ask open-ended questions that
allow your teen to express his/her views. At some point,
lead into questions about sex. “What about sex? Are there
any kids in your school who talk about having sex?” You
can follow up with questions such as, “What are these kids
like?” and “What do other kids think about them?” You can
then work the talk around to reasons not to have sex.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK?” Still another approach is to ask
your teen for advice. You might tell your teen that you
have a friend who has a daughter (or son) their age who
is having sex. Your friend is upset and wants to know what
she can say to her teen to get her to stop. Tell your teen
that you have some ideas, but you want some advice.
What would your teen suggest to your friend? Your teen’s
answers can be used to discuss reasons for waiting to have
sex. Latino parents often don’t ask for their teens’ advice or
opinions. Asking teens for their advice can be a powerful
way to get teens to openly discuss sensitive issues.

Did You Have Sex
When You Were a
Teen?
As you talk with your teen, he/she may ask if you ever had
sex as a teen. For some parents, this is a tricky question. If
you had sex as a teen but answer “no,” you are not being
honest. If you answer “yes,” you may look two-faced. You
acted one way and you are telling your teen to act another
way. So how do you answer this difficult question? There
are two approaches you can take.
KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOUR TEEN. Often, Latino parents
don’t allow direct questions like this one from their teen.
Some parents will get mad if their teen asks them. Try
not to get mad. This tells your teen that asking difficult
questions is not permitted. If you believe that your sexual
history should not be part of the discussion, simply tell your
teen that this is not relevant. Tell your teen that you want to
focus on your teen’s decision-making, not your own.
This approach does not work in some families. Your teen
may not want to open up to you if you will not open up
to him/her. It is natural for teens to be curious about such
things. Some research shows that Latina teens are less
likely to have sex when their mothers are more open about
their own personal experiences.
ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE. Another approach is to admit that
you did have sex as a teen, but that it was a big mistake.
Use this to talk about some of the negative things that
happened to you as a result. If you did not have problems
as a result, you might say that just because you were lucky
enough to escape bad things doesn’t mean that your teen
will have the same luck. You might say that today, sexually
transmitted infections are far more common, and more
serious, than they were when you were growing up. You
might tell your teen that if things back then were like they
are today, you would not have had sex.
Your teen may not
want to open up to you
if you will not open up
to him/her. 8-9

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Sending Clear
Messages
Most parents think that sex is for adults and that young
teenagers are too immature to have a sexual relationship.
But does your teen know how you really feel on the
subject? Some Latino parents think that by telling their
teens, “Don’t have sex because you are too young,” they
are sending a good, strong message. This is simply not
true. Although it is very important to say this, open and
frequent talks about your beliefs, values and reasons why
waiting for sex is the healthiest choice are very important.
You will have more influence over your child’s decision if
you talk about your feelings clearly and directly.
Sometimes Latino parents are stricter about sex with
their daughters than with their sons. Girls are supposed
to remain virgins, while boys just have to be careful. This
often puts responsibility on girls but not on boys. It is
important to talk about issues as much for boys as for
girls. Again, stress your family’s values and beliefs, future
goals and why waiting for sex is the healthiest choice for
your teen and your family.
You will have more
influence over your
child’s decision if you
talk about your feelings
clearly and directly.
You may think that your teen knows that you do not want
them to have sex now. But this may not be the case. If
you have said little or nothing about it, your teen may
think, “It’s okay with my parents as long as they don’t
know about it.” In fact, research shows that teens think
that their parents are less opposed to teen sex than they
really are. You need to be very clear that you believe sex
is not a good idea for your teen at this time. Make sure
your child knows how you feel!

Choosing Your Words: Tips for Talking
We have interviewed thousands of parents and teens about the topic of sex. Parents would be surprised at some of the
reasons teens give for wanting to have sex or not wanting to have sex. It is important for you to keep in mind that the
reasons teens have for things may not make sense to you but that they are very real to teens. In this section, we tell you
about the reasons teens give for wanting to have sex. We want you to be aware of what your teen may be thinking. We
want you to be ready when you talk with your teen. So if your teen mentions one of the reasons we discuss below, you will
have thought about it ahead of time.
The important thing is to talk—and to make your
conversations as wide-ranging as possible. Research
suggests that teens are less likely to engage in sex if their
parents have talked with them about many reasons to wait.
So try to talk about many reasons for waiting to have sex,
rather than just one or two.
You might use the list of reasons we give you to organize
discussions you plan to have with your teen. For example,
you might say, “I’ve heard that some girls believe that having
sex will make them more popular with guys. What do you
think of that?” This can lead to a talk about the importance
of choosing a boyfriend or girlfriend who respects one’s
decisions—including the decision not to have sex.
Research suggests that teens
are less likely to engage in
sex if their parents have
talked with them about many
reasons to wait.
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When a Teen Wants
to Have Sex, What
Do You Say?
Imagine that during your talks, your teen brings up a
reason for having sex, like “I think I am ready for it and I
am curious.” How would you respond? After each teen
reason we describe, we give you an example of an answer
you can give. Maybe some of these answers will not feel
right to you. Or maybe you would use different words.
That is fine. The answers are there to get you thinking
about what you might say.
Teen Reason: “I am mature enough for a sexual
relationship.” The teen years are a time when your child
feels a need to assert independence. Your teen may think
that by having sex, he/she will feel or seem more grown-up.
Parent Approach: “If you are mature enough to have
sex, are you also mature enough to be a parent? It is
important for you to think about what the consequences
would be on our entire family if you began having a
sexual relationship. If you really think about it, I think
you would agree that you are not ready for a pregnancy,
either emotionally or financially. Our family would really
struggle if you made that kind of decision. There is
no way to be completely certain that you will not get
(someone) pregnant should you decide to have sex. I
think that having sex now would be a mistake.”
Teen Reason: “It wouldn’t be that bad if I got (someone)
pregnant because my family would always be there to
help me.” Latino families rely on the support and loyalty
that family members share. Teens may think that because
they always have their parent’s support, a pregnancy
would not be that bad.
Parent Approach: “Your family is always here for you.
But if you got (someone) pregnant, you would place
an enormous responsibility on yourself and everyone
else. The family can’t protect you from your lost job
opportunities if you got (someone) pregnant. And it
would be so hard on us in terms of money if we had to
help support another person. You must consider how
your actions would affect everyone around you and
how you would be responsible. The best way to avoid
pregnancy is to not have sex.”

Teen Reason: “It wouldn’t be that bad if I got (someone)
pregnant because it’s easy to get an abortion.” Many
teens think that having an abortion is a simple, no fuss
solution to pregnancy.
Parent Approach: “The decision to have an abortion
should not be taken lightly. If you got (someone)
pregnant, deciding to get an abortion would NOT be easy.
Although you may not realize it now, many youth have a
lot of mixed emotions and feelings when the time comes
to make such a decision, even when they thought it would
be simple. Believe me, this is not an easy choice and I
would not count on it as a way of dealing with pregnancy.
It is better just to not get (someone) pregnant in the first
place. Also, deciding what to do about a pregnancy is a
decision that partners should make together. You may feel
that an abortion is okay, but your partner may disagree.”
(Note: The above response does not assume that you are
against abortion on moral grounds. If you are, you can
also argue against it on moral grounds.)
Teen Reason: “We’ve been dating a long time, so we’re
ready for sex.” Teens may think that because they
have been dating the same person for a long time (for
example, six months), that the time is “right” to have sex.
They may argue that they have put a lot of thought into it
and have planned for it. They know they would not regret
their decision.
Parent Approach: “I think you should give this some
more thought. You may think this relationship is ‘the
one,’ but chances are, you’ll have other boyfriends (or
girlfriends) before you really settle down. And if your
relationship is so good right now, why risk pregnancy? It
would only strain the relationship. This is the time in your
life to have fun and be carefree. I strongly feel that you
should not have sex now.”
Teen Reason: “I’m curious. I just want to find out what it’s
like.” Teens are naturally curious. And after seeing so many
sexual images in the media and hearing about sex from
friends, it’s understandable that teens might want to try it
out for themselves.
Parent Approach: “Your curiosity is natural. But just as
I would warn you against trying any other dangerous
activity just out of curiosity, I must caution you against
having sex, too. There are too many risks involved and
too many bad consequences for you to try it out just to
satisfy your curiosity. I strongly feel that you should not
have sex now.”
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Teen Reason: “I believe in having sex if I truly love the
other person. I want to show him/her how much I care.”
Your teen may think that having sex is a way of showing
love for a boyfriend or girlfriend. The fact is that he/she
may fall in and out of “love” several times during the teen
years. To a teenager, an intense romance can feel like the
love of a lifetime.
Parent Approach: “Sex can be a special way of sharing
your love for someone. But it is not something to take
lightly. If you think about the many risks involved,
especially for someone of your age, you should wait to
have sex until you’re older. This is true even if you really
love the person you’re with. There are other ways of
sharing your love without having sex. Let’s think of other
ways. I strongly feel that you should not have sex now.”
Teen Reason: “If I don’t have sex with him/her, I’ll lose
him/her.” It may be difficult to remember what it was
like to be a teen and to be concerned about being loved
and accepted. Some teens believe that having sex is
one way to keep a partner who otherwise might lose
interest. Girls sometimes date older guys, which may
make girls feel as if they need to have sex in order to
keep their boyfriends interested. Although it happens
less often, boys sometimes date older girls with similar
problems resulting.
Parent Approach: “I know that your relationship is
important to you. But good relationships are built on
trust and respect. Anyone who likes you just because
you are willing to have sex is not worth being with. If you
focus on being yourself and refuse to give in to pressures
like this, I’m sure you will find someone who values you
for the special person you are.”
Girls sometimes date older guys, which may make
girls feel as if they need to have sex in order to keep
their boyfriends interested.

Teen Reason: “My friends will make fun of me if I don’t have sex.” The need for social approval is strong among teens. The
last thing a teen wants is to be excluded or made fun of by his/her friends. Some Latino boys think that they can prove
their masculinity by having sex. Some boys and girls think having sex will make them hip or cool. If their friends are having
sex, they may feel left out. Some teens think that they will get a good reputation by having sex.
Parent Approach: “I understand how important your friends are to you and how much you value what they think.
However, I think it is wrong to have sex as a way of being popular with your friends. Sex is a very important step. It should
not be taken too early. Friends who reject you or make fun of you because you are not having sex are not worth being
friends with. A friend is someone who accepts and respects you for who you are, even if you’re different from them.”
Teen Reason: “I know I would enjoy sex.” There are so many sexual images in the media today. This can lead teens to think
they would like sex if they had it. And the fact is, sex can be physically pleasurable and they may, in fact, enjoy it.
Parent Approach: “You’re right that sex can be enjoyable. But there is a lot more to sex than physical pleasure. The decision
to have sex should be made in a loving, committed, long-term relationship. Deciding to have sex with someone is deciding
to take on the responsibilities that go along with sex —responsibilities to avoid pregnancy and infection, and responsibilities
to deal with those things if they occur. Part of growing up is keeping the future in mind. So even though having sex might
give you pleasure now, it might lead to great difficulty in the future. I strongly feel that you should not have sex now.”
Teen Reason: “I feel left out because I’m not having sex.” Teens like to belong to groups. A sense of belonging can come
from doing what everyone else in the group is doing. Some teens feel that they are the only one in their group who is not
having sex. As a result, they feel left out.
Parent Approach: “You may want to have sex now because you believe all of your friends are doing it. Well, first, I doubt
that everyone is doing it. But even if that were true, it’s no reason to start having sex. Feeling left out because all of your
friends are going to a dance is one thing. Feeling left out because you aren’t having sex is quite another thing. You have
to do what is best for you, not what is best for your friends. If you were to have sex and get (someone) pregnant, you
would probably feel left out of many things in the future. Even if you do feel a little left out, it’s more important to be safe
and responsible. If your friends are true friends, they will respect your decision.” 8-15

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Teen Reason: “I want to have a baby.” Some teens say
they want to become pregnant (or get someone pregnant)
and begin a family even while they are still in school. Some
see parenthood as a way to be recognized as an adult.
Others may think that having a baby would bring them
a sense of accomplishment or give them someone to
love them. Latinos highly value children and motherhood
and teens may think that having a child is a way of being
recognized as a woman or a man. Also, some Latino girls
and boys do not think they will be successful in school.
They may feel that having children is a way to have a
meaningful life rather than continuing with their education.
Parent Approach: “Think about how difficult your life
would be right now if you had (or fathered) a child. Talk
with a teenage mom or dad and ask them what it’s like—
how they manage to have enough money, how hard it is to
stay in school, and how the child affects their relationship
with each other. Then you’ll see the whole picture. From
the outside, it may look easy to have a family, but the
responsibilities are huge. The chances that teen parents
will make it financially are small. Please promise you’ll
wait until much later to start a family. I think it would
be a serious mistake. You will have plenty of time and
opportunity to have children further down the road. We
would like to see you continue with your education.”
A NOTE ON THE MEANING OF LOVE. Many teens justify
sex by saying they are in love. But teens sometimes
confuse love with physical attraction. Parents should
not deny that love often expresses itself in touching. But
parents also need to help their teens understand that
love involves long-term commitment. Love is like a deep
friendship that, over time, grows into a strong devotion
to the other’s happiness. It involves a great deal of
knowledge of the other, respect for the other, and caring
for the other.
Many teens justify sex by
saying they are in love.
But teens sometimes
confuse love with physical
attraction.

Good Reasons to Wait to Have Sex:
More Tips for Discussion
We now present reasons why some teens choose not to have sexual intercourse, to give you more ideas for discussion. It is
a good idea to ask your teen to think about his/her own reasons for waiting to have sex. As you read through the reasons
below, think about which ones might be most likely to work with your teen. Which ones would your teen relate to most?
Choose these topics for discussion.
Teen Reason: “If I have sex now, I will regret not having waited until I was married.” Some teens realize the importance of
being committed to one person before deciding to become sexually involved. This is a very important value in Latino families.
It is important to emphasize this with sons as well as with daughters.
Parent Approach: “You only get to make this decision once in your life, so please don’t rush it! Some people may say that
saving yourself for marriage is an old-fashioned idea. But given all the sexually transmitted infections, it might be a very
wise idea. I believe that, in relationships, far too much importance is placed on sex. I think that more emphasis should be
placed on trust, sharing, and the development of love. Then, when you know you have found the right person and are ready
to make a long-term commitment to that person, you will be ready to share yourself physically. Many people I know regret
not having waited.”
Teen Reason: “I might get a bad reputation by having sex now.” If a teen becomes known as someone who has sex easily,
he/she may only get dates with other teens who only want to have sex. Both boys and girls who have casual sex can get bad
reputations. They become known as “fast girls” or “players” who scare off potential partners who are interested in developing
lasting relationships.
Parent Approach: “You need to think about the consequences of your actions. They affect you and how others view you.
Many people view teens who engage in sex as irresponsible and not worthy of respect. Do you want people to see you this
way? I strongly feel that you should not have sex now.”
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Teen Reason: “If I were to have premarital sex, it would
be against my religious morals.” Some teens are brought
up with strong religious values. Latino families typically
have a strong religious presence in their homes. These
values can discourage teens from having sex.
Parent Approach: “You know how important our
religious values are to our entire family. Having
premarital sex is incompatible with these values. I
understand how tempting it may be to have sex. But you
must not let that desire override your good judgment
and lead you to act against your religious beliefs.”
Teen Reason: “If I had sex, I might get HIV/AIDS or
some other sexually transmitted infection.” Many teens
know that HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted
infections (STIs) are a problem. But they do not believe
that they could get these infections. Parents can help
teens understand that if they choose to have sex, these
infections are a real danger to them.
Parent Approach: “I don’t want to sound like I’m just
trying to scare you, but the risk of AIDS is serious and
real. Did you know that teens are one of the highest
risk groups for getting the AIDS virus? I know you
probably think that this horrible thing could not possibly
happen to you. But it can. And it’s not just AIDS you
need to worry about. Teens also have the highest rates
of other sexually transmitted infections like herpes and
chlamydia. Some of these can cause serious problems,
including cancer. They also may make it so you can’t have
a baby later. You would have to tell your partner about
the infection, which could cause problems. It would be
embarrassing. And for some STIs, such as herpes, there
is no cure. You have the infection for life. Let’s face it, the
brief pleasure you get from having sex now is just not
worth the risk of getting one of these infections. Your
health and even your life could be at stake.”
Teen Reason: “If I have sex now, my boyfriend/girlfriend
would lose respect for me.” Just because a teen says
he/she wants to have sex with someone does not mean
that he/she really expects the person to say yes. Teens
will sometimes “test the waters” to see how far their
boyfriend/girlfriend is willing to go. By giving in and
having sex, the teen being tested may lose the respect of
his/her partner. This is not a game teens should play. Also,
teens may lose respect for those who pressure them to
have sex when they’re not ready.
Parent Approach: “Although you may feel that having
sex would make your relationship better, I don’t think
that would happen. In fact, your boyfriend/girlfriend will
probably have more respect for you if you are willing
to take a stand and decide not to have sex at this time.

If you do agree to have sex, he/she might begin to lose
respect for you. Your boyfriend/girlfriend should respect
your decisions and not force you to do something you
don’t really want to do. Respect is one thing that good
relationships are built on.” Additionally, it may be your
teen that is doing the pressuring. You should remind your
teen that their boyfriend/girlfriend might lose respect for
them if they try to pressure them to have sex.
Teen Reason: “If I had sex now, my parents would be
very disappointed in me.” Disapproval from parents
can be a powerful influence on teens. If parents clearly
express disapproval of their teen having sex, the teen is
more likely to wait to have sex. Latino teens value their
parent’s opinions highly, so parents should send clear and
frequent messages that they would be disappointed if
their teen had sex now.
Parent Approach: “I’d like to think that we have a good
relationship, one that is built on honesty, respect, and trust.
Well, I have to be honest about this: If you have sex now,
I’d be very upset. I know it’s important for you to make
your own choices in life, but there are times when my
experiences and opinions matter. This is one of those times.
I understand the problems that can occur from having sex
at an early age. If you value our relationship as much as I
think you do, please wait. This is very important to me.”
If parents clearly express
their disapproval of
their teen having sex,
the teen is more likely
to wait.
Teen Reason: “If I had sex now, my parents would
punish me.” For some teens, the threat of punishment
may discourage them from having sex. But be careful to
use the threat of punishment in a positive way.
Parent Approach: “I’d like to trust that you will make
the right decision on your own. But if I find out that you
are having sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend, I will have
to punish you. You may feel that this is unfair, but I’m
really thinking of your best interests. I want you to see
how dangerous it would be for you to begin having sex
now. I do not want to have to punish you. But I feel so
strongly about this that if you do start having sex, there
will be consequences.”
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Teen Reason: “If I got (someone) pregnant, I would
have to quit school.” School and career are important
for many teens. A pregnancy would interfere with
a teen’s school life and economic future. For many
Latino families, the goal is for their teen to finish high
school and attend college. This will be difficult if a teen
got (someone) pregnant and had to provide financial
support to the child.
Parent Approach: “If you/your girlfriend had a
baby, you might not be able to continue with your
schoolwork. Taking care of a baby is a full-time job. Do
you really want to risk ending up as a school dropout
with a family to support, working minimum-wage jobs
and barely making ends meet? I’m not trying to scare
you, but I am trying to get you to think about these very
real possibilities. Having a baby now would make things
very hard for you.”
Teen Reason: “If I got (someone) pregnant, it would
cause money problems for my family.” Most teens do not
want to cause problems for their families. If teens know
that a pregnancy would create serious money difficulties
for parents, they might decide to wait to have sex.
Parent Approach: “If you got (someone) pregnant, it
would end up costing a lot of money. Babies are not
cheap. Medical costs, food, clothes, and a place to live—
someone would have to take care of all of these things.
It would be really hard for us as well as for you. Think
about how your decisions would affect the entire family.”
Teen Reason: “If I got (someone) pregnant, I would be
forced to grow up too fast.” Although teens want to be
grown up, most also want to hang onto the freedoms
of being a kid. Once they realize what having a child
means—no more going out with friends whenever
they want, no more parties, no more dating, no more
spending money on themselves—they may decide not to
take the risk.
Parent Approach: “This is the time of your life to have
fun and enjoy being young. You will never again have the
chance to live this way. If you got (someone) pregnant
now, you would be forced to grow up much too fast. You
would have to take care of your child in every way—feed
her, clothe her, change her, get up in the night when
she’s sick, be sure she’s safe at all times. You would no
longer have the freedom to do just what you wanted.”
Teen Reason: “If I got (someone) pregnant, I would have
to (help my partner) decide whether or not to have the
baby and that would be stressful and difficult.” This issue

comes up for teens who might consider an abortion.
If parents help teens understand just how difficult the
abortion option is, it may discourage them from having
sex. In some Latino families, abortion is not an option.
Parent Approach: “You might think that the decision
to have sex right now is an easy one. But if you got
(someone) pregnant, you would have to (help her)
decide what to do about it. This would not be an easy
Important Points to Keep in Mind
decision to make, no matter what the choice. It could
affect you for the rest of your life. Maybe you think
you are old enough to handle this choice. But it is a
really difficult decision and a painful one. If you really
knew how hard it is, I bet that you would decide not to
have sex now.” (Note: For parents morally opposed to
abortion, moral issues also can be raised.)
We have talked about many reasons why teens decide to have sex or decide not to have sex. Some of these will be relevant
to your teen but others may not. You know your teen best and know what will work with him/her best. However, we have
done careful research with Latino families and here are some of the things we have found to be most important. Be sure to
think carefully about these and how they will affect what you do.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY INCREASES IN THE EIGHTH GRADE. There is a big increase in sexual activity for teens from seventh
grade to eighth grade. One out of five eighth-graders in your local community has had sex. Remember you want to deal
with this before your child starts having sex.
TEENS ARE MOST CONCERNED ABOUT THE SOCIAL AND PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX. What seems to matter most to
teens is how having sex will affect them socially, right now. Teens who were most likely to have sex thought that doing so
would make them more attractive to the opposite sex. They thought it would not hurt their reputation. And they thought
they would enjoy it. Be sure to think about and talk about these issues, using our guidelines above.
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TEENS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR PEERS. Teens
are more likely to have sex if their friends approve of
it. Help teens put their peers in perspective. Be sure to
look at the section of this booklet on friends and peer
influence. This is very important.
TEENS WHO HAVE A LOW OPINION OF THEMSELVES
ARE AT GREATER RISK. Teens with low self-esteem are
more likely to have sex. Be sure to look at the section of
this booklet on self-esteem. This also is very important.
COVER A RANGE OF ISSUES. Make sure you talk with
your teens about many reasons for waiting to have
sex. Don’t just focus on one or two. If teens have many
reasons for not doing it, they will be more likely to wait.
IT’S MORE THAN PREGNANCY AND DISEASE. Most parents
just talk about pregnancy and HIV/AIDS with their kids. But
teens have sex because they see advantages to doing it.
Teens think they will enjoy sex. They think it will make them
attractive. They think they will gain acceptance from friends
and partners. They think they will be more grown-up. These
kinds of reasons need to be put into perspective for your
teen. You need to deal with them. Use our guidelines above
to talk with your teen about these issues.
BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR POSITION. Parents matter.
Make sure your teen knows that you do not approve of
them having sex at this time. Be very clear about this.
Tough Conversations:
When Your Teen Says
Things You Don’t Want
to Hear
If your teen is being honest with you, he/she might tell
you things that you do not like hearing. For example,
your teen might tell you that her friend, Sara, has had sex.
Your first reaction might be to condemn Sara and not let
your teen see her again. If you do this, you’ll quickly find
that your teen stops telling you about things that might
push your buttons. This means you’ll be cut off from
finding out important information about your teen’s life—
information that could help you guide him/her toward
safer and healthier behavior.

It helps to think about why you are talking with your
teen. First, you want to know more about what is going
on in your child’s life. You want to know who your teen’s
friends are, what they are like, what activities your teen
is involved in, and what kinds of problems your teen is
dealing with. We call this the information-gathering
phase. Second, if you find out that your teen is doing
something you don’t like, you will want to try to change it.
We call this the action phase.
Sometimes it is better to separate the informationgathering
phase from the action phase. First, listen to
your child and learn as much as you can. Then, once the
conversation is over, give yourself a chance to calm down.
Think carefully about what your teen has said. What
might be the best way to try to change what you don’t
like? Perhaps instead of saying your first reaction, you
should think about it more and talk with your teen about
it later.
Maybe instead of forbidding your teen to see Sara, you
can solve the problem in another way, without causing a
power struggle between you and your child. You might
schedule activities for your teen that take away from the
time she would spend with Sara. Or you might focus your
teen’s attention on other friends. (“Why don’t you invite
Maria for a sleepover?”) Or you might decide you need to
talk with your teen directly, telling her calmly that you are
concerned about what she told you about Sara.
The important thing is not to punish your teen for
opening up to you by immediately jumping on what he/
she says. There may be times when you will need to
intervene right away. But often you’ll benefit from some
down-time between information-gathering and action.
That way, you can keep lines of communication open with
your child while still taking action when necessary.
Make sure your teen
knows that you do not
approve of them having
sex at this time. Be very
clear about this.
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Getting Involved
TAKING ACTION WHEN PROBLEMS ARISE IS
IMPORTANT. But there are many things you can do to
help prevent problems. Here are some ideas:
DISCOURAGE YOUR CHILD FROM DATING OLDER
TEENS. Research shows that girls are more likely to have
sex if they date older boys. Although it’s not as common
for boys to date older girls, when they do, they also are
more likely to have sex. Try to keep your teen interested
in same-aged friends and romantic partners.
KEEP YOUR TEEN FOCUSED ON SCHOOL. Research
shows that the more teens focus on school, the less likely
they are to have sex and get pregnant, or get someone
pregnant. Try to keep your kids focused on school.
SUPERVISE MIXED-SEX GET TOGETHERS. When boys
and girls spend time together, make sure there is an adult
to supervise. In studies asking teens where and when they
have sex, the number one response is “In my parent’s
house, when no one was home.” Try not to allow boys and
girls to be together without supervision.
When boys and girls
spend time together,
make sure there is an
adult to supervise.

DISCOURAGE STEADY DATING. Teens are much more
likely to have sex when they are in a steady, serious
relationship. Although dating is appropriate for older
teens, dating should be kept to a minimum for younger
teens. Encourage your child to spend time with groups of
friends rather than with one boy or girl.
KNOW YOUR TEEN’S MEDIA. Teens listen to radio
stations and CDs, watch TV and videos, go to movies,
read magazines and chat on the Internet. Try to be aware
of the kinds of media your teen is using. If you think
your teen is using media that sends the wrong messages
about sex, tell him/her you don’t like it. Explain why. For
younger teens especially, R-rated movies should be off
limits. Try to find reviews of PG-13 movies your teen is
interested in. Think twice about letting your children listen
to CDs with parental advisories. There are almost always
edited versions of these CDs for sale. The Internet is a
useful tool for finding song lyrics as well as movies and
TV reviews. Because of language barriers, parents may
not always understand the content of movies or music.
Parents should have their teens describe what they are
watching or listening to and determine how appropriate
the messages are.
KEEP TABS ON PARTIES. If your child is going to a party,
make sure that there will be adult supervision. Touch base
with the adults who will be in charge. If your teen is giving
a party, greet each child at the door to make sure that
only invited kids come in. Have kids leave their backpacks
near the front door to prevent anyone from sneaking in
alcohol. Have an adult or responsible older sibling check
on the kids every half-hour or so.
TAKE A STAND AGAINST ALCOHOL. Many teens who
have sex do so while drunk. Be clear that alcohol use
is not acceptable. If you drink, try not to do so in front
of your children. Don’t give your kids sips of alcohol on
special occasions. This only sends confusing signals.
Remind your children that drinking under the age of 21 is
against the law. Be firm in your opposition to underage
drinking. Sometimes Latino parents let their children
drink in small quantities under their supervision. This
sends teens the message that their parents approve of
them drinking, which makes it more likely they will drink.
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Sexual Risks: Some Additional Facts
As you talk with your child about sexual issues, you’ll want to be informed. Here is some more information that may
be useful to you.
CAN A GIRL GET PREGNANT THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS SEX? Some teens believe that they can’t get pregnant
the first time they have sex. They are wrong. A girl can get pregnant the very first time she has sex. It is true that
many girls do not ovulate (that is, make an egg available for impregnation) when they first start having periods.
But it does happen for some. So it is best to assume that once a girl has had her first period, she can get pregnant
anytime after that.
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS. There are about 25 different sexually transmitted infections that infect
millions of people. Every day, thousands of teenagers become infected. The best known is HIV. Others include the
hepatitis B virus, the herpes virus and the human papillomavirus (HPV). Syphilis and certain forms of gonorrhea
also are increasing. Some infections show no symptoms until after they have done their damage. Some sexually
transmitted infections are incurable.
GIRLS AND STIs: SPECIAL RISKS. Sexually active girls are at high risk for pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which
is often caused by a sexually transmitted infection called chlamydia. The rate of chlamydia among teens is very high.
In general, women suffer more negative consequences from sexually transmitted infections than men do. Sexually
transmitted infections can make a woman infertile and cause lifelong pelvic pain and even cancer.

HIV AND AIDS. The best-known sexually transmitted infection is AIDS. AIDS is caused by a virus called the
human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). When the virus is first present in the body, the infected individual shows
no symptoms. But over a period of time, the person starts to develop the acquired immunodeficiency syndrome
(AIDS).
The time interval between contracting HIV and the onset of AIDS can be long, as many as 10 years or more. HIV
attacks the immune system so that the infected individual cannot fight off other diseases. As the immune system
becomes weaker, the individual becomes sicker and may eventually die. There are drugs that help people with HIV
feel better and live longer, but there is no cure for AIDS.
HIV: THE SILENT INFECTION. The most obvious danger is that many people who are HIV-infected show no signs of
the infection and have no idea that they are infected. (It is estimated that one in five people living with HIV do not
realize they are infected.) Many of these people are sexually active and may unknowingly infect others.
AIDS TESTING: IT’S NOT FOOLPROOF. You can get tested to see if you have HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Most
tests cannot directly detect HIV. Rather, the tests detect whether your body has made antibodies to fight HIV. It takes
time for the body to recognize the virus. So it is possible for someone to have HIV but for the AIDS test to miss it
because the body has not yet started to make antibodies. If you test positive for HIV, then you almost certainly have
the virus. But if you test negative, you still may be infected. Usually it is best to get tested more than just once, with
about a six-month interval between tests, in case you were infected at the first test but your body had not started
making antibodies yet. Ninety-nine percent of people start producing antibodies within six months of infection.
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What Teens Think
Here is what some older teens have to say about the
issues discussed in this booklet:
“Parents may find that talking with their children about
sex is embarrassing for them. But come on, that’s their
job as parents!”
“I wish my parents had had the information contained
in this booklet so that my sex talk wouldn’t have been
so awkward.”
“This information is great as long as parents don’t sound
too preachy when they talk.”
“Many parents are in denial about their kids’ sex lives.
They should talk even if they think there is no need to
discuss sex. Get your heads out of the sand!”
“I think it is important to know what the opposite sex is
going through also. Parents should talk about sex from
the perspective of both boys and girls.”
“It’s very important for moms and dads to talk before
a kid reaches the age when it’s uncool to discuss sex
with parents.”
“I know kids where the father congratulates the son for
having sex, yet gets bent out of shape when his daughter
does the same thing. Parents shouldn’t practice a double
standard!”
Teens will feel more comfortable talking if their parents
are also willing to answer embarrassing questions. If
you’re open with your teen, he/she will be more open
with you.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The Linking Lives Health Education Program: “Families Talking Together” was developed by:
Vincent Guilamo-Ramos, Ph.D. James Jaccard, Ph.D. Patricia Dittus, Ph.D.
New York University New York University Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Silver School of Social Work Silver School of Social Work Division of STD Prevention
1 Washington Square North 1 Washington Square North 1600 Clifton Rd, MS E-44
New York, NY 10003 New York, NY 10003 Atlanta, GA 30333
vincent.ramos@nyu.edu jjaccard@nyu.edu pdd6@cdc.gov
The authors gratefully acknowledge the contributions of Bernardo Gonzalez, Eileen Casillas, and Sarah Collins, who worked diligently on preparing the program for dissemination. The
authors also wish to acknowledge the hundreds of Latino and African American families who contributed to the development of our parenting program. Special gratitude is extended to all
of the educators, research assistants, project assistants, and graduate students who contributed to the Linking Lives program. Questions about the Linking Lives Health Education Program:
Families Talking Together should be directed to:
Vincent Guilamo-Ramos, Ph.D. or James Jaccard, Ph.D.
Linking Lives Health Education Program
vincent.ramos@nyu.edu / jjaccard@nyu.edu
www.nyu.edu/socialwork/clafh
The Linking Lives Health Education Program is an initiative of the Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health (CLAFH) at the NYU Silver School of Social Work. CLAFH is a research
center that investigates the role of the Latino family in shaping the development and well-being of Latino adolescents. CLAFH’s research addresses key issues that affect Latino families.
Specifically, CLAFH seeks to: 1) foster the development, evaluation, and dissemination of evidence-based family interventions designed to prevent and/or reduce problem behaviors among
Latino adolescents; 2) develop, evaluate, and disseminate family interventions for positive youth development approaches to Latino adolescent development and well-being; 3) examine
issues of immigration related to the experiences of Latino families; and 4) promote the economic well-being of the Latino community. Strategically based in New York City, CLAFH addresses
the needs of New York’s diverse Latino communities in both national and global contexts. The Center serves as a link between the scientific community, Latino health and social service
providers, and the broader Latino community.
The material in this handbook was developed from current research in the social sciences as well as practical tips that have been gleaned from clinicians and writers in the popular press.
Useful sources that we drew upon and adapted included “Straight Talk with Kids” published by the Scott Newman Center, “Saying No is Not Enough” by Robert Schwebel (1989, New York:
Newmarket Press), the DHHS Publication ADM-86 1418 on self esteem and the writings of Bruce Baldwin and Marion Howard’s “How to Help Your Teenager Postpone Sexual Involvement”
(1991, New York: Continuum Press).
Graphic Consultant: Kate Hogan

Linking Lives Health Education Program