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Semi-Decent Proposal<br />
A Passing Fancy<br />
A Day In May<br />
The Cranes Go Carribean<br />
FRASIER<br />
SEASON EIGHT PART 6
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Semi-Decent Proposal<br />
Electronics Store. Niles is holding a box.<br />
NILES: You sure Daphne will like this one?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, it's perfect, Niles. Look, it even says on the<br />
box, "for the perfect DVD viewing experience."<br />
NILES: What do you suppose "multi-angle capability"<br />
means?<br />
FRASIER: Well, it means that the remote control will<br />
respond from any angle.<br />
CLAIRE: Not to intrude, but actually it means you can see<br />
a scene from different camera angles.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I was just teasing him. You see, my brother's<br />
technologically challenged.<br />
CLAIRE: If you're new to DVD, you might want to rent the<br />
director's cut of "Das Boot." It's amazing - I mean, if you<br />
don't mind subtitles.<br />
FRASIER: Mind them? I prefer them! In fact, I do speak a<br />
bit of German, so in this case they might actually be a<br />
distraction!<br />
CLAIRE: Really? I speak German too.<br />
NILES: If anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.<br />
FRASIER: He's a bit defensive.<br />
NILES: You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder.<br />
Claire has walked away.<br />
FRASIER: Thanks a lot! I was interested in her.<br />
NILES: Well, how was I supposed to know?<br />
FRASIER: I was speaking German!<br />
NILES: Oh yes - the language of love!<br />
FRASIER: Oh dear, it's Lana. Oh my God, no, just turn<br />
around! I don't know why the woman frightens me.<br />
NILES: Well, she should frighten you, she was prom queen!<br />
Lana and Claire spot each other.<br />
LANA: Hi! Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking<br />
spot. Thanks. … Frasier! Hi! Oh, this is my friend, Claire<br />
French. Frasier Crane, his brother Niles - we've known<br />
each other since high school.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, we've already met. Guten tag, Claire.<br />
page 2
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CLAIRE: I knew I'd recognized your voice. You're on the<br />
radio.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, I'm flattered that you've listened.<br />
LANA: You should have seen him in high school. Do you<br />
remember when you petitioned the school to have<br />
interpretive dance added to gym class?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, is that a CD organizer? I'll be right back!<br />
CLAIRE: Oh, I need one of those myself, excuse me.<br />
LANA: So Niles, how's things?<br />
NILES: Things are good.<br />
LANA: Are you married now?<br />
NILES: I was, but I'm not now. But I'm going with someone.<br />
LANA: (to clerk) I need to return this.<br />
CLERK: Oh, it's scratched.<br />
LANA: Well, it was like that when I bought it.<br />
Frasier and Claire are looking at CD organizers.<br />
FRASIER: I'm not much of a faux walnut grain enthusiast.<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, I wanted to ask you something. Saturday<br />
night, are you free?<br />
FRASIER: Only with a coupon. What did you have in mind?<br />
CLAIRE: Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party<br />
for Lana, I was wondering if you could bring her.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You<br />
see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and,<br />
well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me<br />
wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person-<br />
LANA: (at the counter) I don't give a rat's ass about your<br />
policy! Get me the manager!<br />
FRASIER: Perhaps you could ask someone else.<br />
CLAIRE: Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're<br />
there, you can leave... Or stay.<br />
LANA: Are you calling me a liar?! DON'T BUY ANYTHING<br />
HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS!<br />
FRASIER: Well, it is her birthday.<br />
Apt. Martin, wearing his glasses, has the DVD player on his lap.<br />
MARTIN: Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, here we<br />
are. Maybe the red wire's extra. Niles, hand me that<br />
yellow one, will you? What's the matter?<br />
page 3
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Oh, Daphne punched me in her sleep last night.<br />
Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I have ever<br />
known.<br />
MARTIN: Wow. You being a psychiatrist, she probably<br />
thinks she's acting out some form of repressed hostility<br />
towards you, huh?<br />
NILES: That was the furthest thing from my mind... until<br />
now.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you<br />
guys are still finding your sleeping groove. First six<br />
months your mother and I were together, we were like<br />
Dempsey and Tunney! You see, Dempsey and Tunney…<br />
NILES: Oh Dad, please, I know a little something about<br />
vaudeville.<br />
DAPHNE: I've got our movie.<br />
Niles stands and strikes a mock boxing stance.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, knock it off! I told you I was sorry.<br />
NILES: "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah, it's got everything - action, romance, and<br />
humor. I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I'm off to pick up Lana.<br />
NILES: You're oddly chipper about it.<br />
FRASIER: Well, of course I am, Niles. The sooner I deliver<br />
her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of<br />
romance over a butterfly named Claire. You know, I've<br />
got a good feeling about this one.<br />
NILES: Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You<br />
think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns<br />
out not to be the Kierkergard-reading, soufflé-baking,<br />
haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to<br />
learn to settle.<br />
DAPHNE: What does that mean?<br />
FRASIER: Have fun, Niles.<br />
ROZ: Hey, everybody. Am I too late?<br />
MARTIN: No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and<br />
ready to go.<br />
ROZ: Great. I brought "Caddyshack!" Who's funnier than that<br />
gopher?<br />
DAPHNE: Roger Rabbit, that's who.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day?" It's<br />
got D-Day and the Duke!<br />
page 4
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each<br />
movie more appealing than the last. Perhaps there's a<br />
happy compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of<br />
Being."<br />
ROZ: Well that would be a happy compromise, except for<br />
one thing: Boring!<br />
Frasier's BMW. Frasier is driving Lana.<br />
LANA: Look, I'm gonna be real direct. We're just two good<br />
friends going out for dinner, OK? I only say that because<br />
you went a little heavy on the cologne, and I don't<br />
want you to have any expectations.<br />
FRASIER: I have nothing of the sort. And by the way, it's<br />
scented soap.<br />
LANA: I mean, I only accepted because it sounded like you<br />
could really use a night out. I don't want some<br />
awkward scene where you try to get in my pants.<br />
FRASIER: I assure you, there will be no such scene.<br />
LANA: Unless of course I have too much to drink and<br />
change my mind!<br />
FRASIER: So how are those kids of yours doing?<br />
LANA: Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But<br />
Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to<br />
graduate.<br />
FRASIER: Well, have you considered getting a tutor?<br />
LANA: That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing<br />
in high school, didn't you?<br />
FRASIER: Well, yes, I did. And I would do it for Kirby in a<br />
heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped<br />
him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open<br />
those floodgates. You understand.<br />
LANA: Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking,<br />
but that would be a waste of time.<br />
FRASIER: He doesn't help out with the kids?<br />
LANA: No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year<br />
old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke?<br />
FRASIER: Well, actually…<br />
LANA: I'll just crack a window. You know, I'm glad you<br />
asked me out tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday!<br />
FRASIER: Really? Oh, happy birthday.<br />
LANA: Hardly. That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to<br />
get married - in Tahiti! Some birthday. All right. That's<br />
page 5
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
good, tonight will get my mind off of it. Just promise me<br />
that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of<br />
the night, OK?<br />
FRASIER: Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration<br />
would be the best revenge.<br />
LANA: What am I celebrating? The fact that I'm becoming<br />
an old trot and no one's ever going to love me again? Oh<br />
God, shut up! … Aren't we going to Bella Luchia?<br />
FRASIER: Well, actually I know this little Thai place that I<br />
think will be better.<br />
LANA: Well, were you even going to ask me? I hate Thai<br />
food! Typical man, "I like Thai food, so she must like<br />
Thai food."<br />
FRASIER: All right, Bella Luchia it is.<br />
LANA: I'm sorry, I'm being snappy. It's just... I guess I just<br />
always thought that I'd be the one who got remarried<br />
first, you know? Now everybody's just going to feel sorry<br />
for me. Oh God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know<br />
tonight! And you're not a typical man. You're very<br />
thoughtful. Forgive me?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, old friend, I do. Oh gosh - you know, I do<br />
know another little tiny place that I think you might<br />
really enjoy just as much - well, what do you say?<br />
LANA: Great, sounds great. You know, it's funny, as much<br />
as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt<br />
that none of my friends asked me to do anything. I mean,<br />
it's not like I wanted a party, but, well, something<br />
would have been nice. … Frasier, you know what, just<br />
because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting<br />
some!<br />
FRASIER: Listen, fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella<br />
Luchia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell,<br />
"Surprise!" Do you want to go or not?<br />
LANA: My friends are throwing me a surprise party?! And<br />
you tell me and ruin it?!<br />
Bella Luchia. Lana walks in. Her friends yell, "surprise!"<br />
LANA: Oh my god, you didn't! Frasier, you tricked me,<br />
you awful thing!<br />
FRASIER: It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp!<br />
LANA: Debbie, oh hi! Bruce, hi! I am so thrilled you all<br />
came here for this! I thought a lot of you would have<br />
flown to Tahiti for the wedding of Dumbo and Bimbo!<br />
page 6
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CLAIRE: Thanks for getting her here. How did you manage<br />
to keep it a secret?<br />
FRASIER: Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the<br />
cornerstone of my profession.<br />
CLAIRE: Of course. Mine too - I'm a family therapist.<br />
FRASIER: Really? You know, I sensed we have a lot in<br />
common.<br />
CLAIRE: You know, it's funny how things turn out. I<br />
started out as a music major, studying the cello.<br />
FRASIER: You're a cellist?<br />
CLAIRE: Yes, but psychology is my true calling. "Spawning<br />
fish that leave upstream for many seasons, yet come<br />
home to stay."<br />
FRASIER: Was that a haiku?<br />
CLAIRE: Yes. It's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out<br />
of me.<br />
FRASIER: Well, that's amazing! May I get you a drink?<br />
CLAIRE: Yes. A martini - two olives.<br />
FRASIER: I knew it. … Kierkergard?<br />
CLAIRE: Love him.<br />
FRASIER: Don't move.<br />
LANA: Claire! What are you doing staring at the moon? I<br />
want you to meet Neal, the guy I told you about.<br />
Apartment. Martin and the gang look through the manuals.<br />
MARTIN: All right, what does it say now?<br />
DAPHNE: "Alternatively, see Appendix C: Advanced<br />
Troubleshooting Specifications and You."<br />
MARTIN: That's it, I quit.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, what do you want to do?<br />
ROZ: Well, I went to a party once where we each went<br />
around the room and confessed our most shameful<br />
secret - except it had to be something that you've never<br />
told anyone before.<br />
NILES: Oh, I don't think that's something we really want to<br />
get into.<br />
DAPHNE: No, sounds like fun.<br />
NILES: OK, I'll go first. Oh, let's see - all right, well, Daphne,<br />
you might as well make your acquaintance with my<br />
dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack<br />
Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day<br />
page 7
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
I waited for him outside of school and gave him a<br />
sound thumping.<br />
MARTIN: Wasn't that the kid with rickets?<br />
NILES: Rickets and a smart mouth.<br />
ROZ: Daphne, you go next, and think of something juicier<br />
than that.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, well, mine's also a youthful indiscretion. I<br />
stole a teddy bear from the shops.<br />
ROZ: Then what?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we<br />
brought it back. Then as a penance, I volunteered to<br />
work at the orphanage after school.<br />
ROZ: What the hell was that?! I'd put that story on my<br />
resume! Come on, Martin, you've got to have something!<br />
Shock me!<br />
MARTIN: Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal.<br />
ROZ: That's what we're looking for.<br />
MARTIN: Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room: every<br />
time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't<br />
mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girlstyle.<br />
The nuns... those kids... the lonely goatherd.<br />
ROZ: These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff!<br />
"Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it!"<br />
DAPHNE: OK, let's hear yours, then.<br />
ROZ: Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or<br />
something.<br />
MARTIN: Are you kidding? We can take anything you could<br />
dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked<br />
Vice!<br />
ROZ: I don't think so.<br />
MARTIN: Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my<br />
ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.<br />
Bella Luchia. Lana is at a table with three guests (the only ones left).<br />
LANA: Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass<br />
putting him through dental school? Oh, that's right -<br />
she wasn't BORN YET!<br />
DEBBIE: Who wants more cake?<br />
BRUCE: Not me, but I'll go with you!<br />
At the bar, Claire is wedged between Neal and Frasier.<br />
FRASIER: Here we are. This is one of my favorites.<br />
page 8
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CLAIRE: That's so sweet of you, but Neal just brought me a<br />
glass.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, this one. Yes, that's a delightful little wine,<br />
yes, it's very nice. But this happens to be a Bavaresco<br />
Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini!<br />
CLAIRE: Well, they both taste wonderful. I can't choose<br />
between them.<br />
FRASIER: Taste mine again.<br />
NEAL: You know, if you're really interested in wine, Claire,<br />
you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane. We<br />
could spend the day exploring vineyards.<br />
CLAIRE: Oh, that's very sweet, but those little planes make<br />
me nervous.<br />
FRASIER: Well, how do you feel about BMW's? You see, I<br />
happen to know several of the proprietors of the local<br />
vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour<br />
guide.<br />
CLAIRE: That sounds tempting.<br />
FRASIER: Well, allow me to enchant you further. You see, I...<br />
(sees Lana sitting alone) Claire, I'm sorry, you'll have to<br />
excuse me for just a moment. … Hi. How you doing?<br />
LANA: Everybody's leaving.<br />
FRASIER: Well, it's getting late.<br />
LANA: It's 9:30! Let's face it, I drove them all off. I mean,<br />
they're all sick of hearing me complain about Bob.<br />
FRASIER: No, come on, it's not all that bad. I mean, listen,<br />
you know, Bob is in the past. I mean, just look at all the<br />
friends you have. I know you've had a bit of a tough<br />
time lately, but it'll end soon. You're a vibrant, attractive<br />
woman.<br />
LANA: Thanks, Frasier. You're being awfully sweet to me.<br />
Don't think this means you're getting any.<br />
NEAL: We're saying our goodbyes.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you're leaving?<br />
CLAIRE: I have an early appointment and Neal offered to<br />
give me a ride home.<br />
FRASIER: Well, how thoughtful of him.<br />
LANA: Threw a gutter ball, huh?<br />
FRASIER: Thanks to you, you introduced them.<br />
LANA: Well, you played it all wrong! You were hanging on<br />
her all night!<br />
FRASIER: So was he, but he left with her.<br />
page 9
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LANA: It won't last. She's probably sick of him already.<br />
FRASIER: Lot of good that does. I blew it.<br />
LANA: Not necessarily. I mean, I think you guys could<br />
make a great couple. In fact, I might be able to help<br />
you out there.<br />
FRASIER: Really? Would you?<br />
LANA: Well, I could, but you know I get asked that all the<br />
time, and if I did it for you, then I'd have to do it for<br />
everyone, and I just don't know if I want to open those<br />
floodgates! You know what I mean?<br />
FRASIER: I think I do.<br />
LANA: Kirby needs a passing grade in history.<br />
FRASIER: I can't guarantee that.<br />
LANA: No passing grade, no Claire.<br />
Lana's House. Frasier is in Lana's kitchen with her son Kirby.<br />
FRASIER: Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You<br />
know, I loved studying U.S. history. What could be more<br />
fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very<br />
soil on which we live?<br />
KIRBY: Will that question be on the test?<br />
FRASIER: Doubtful. So, which chapter are you on?<br />
KIRBY: Whoa, is that my book?<br />
FRASIER: I see, Chapter 1. You may want to take some<br />
notes.<br />
KIRBY: I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it.<br />
LANA: Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. GET OFF<br />
YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!<br />
page 10
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
A Passing Fancy<br />
Frasier's Apt. Frasier and Kirby are studying at the dining table.<br />
FRASIER: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before<br />
your mother gets here. One last question: In our<br />
studies this week, what did we learn about William<br />
Henry Harrison?<br />
KIRBY: Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned<br />
that William Henry Harrison was a great man who was<br />
important... because he was...<br />
FRASIER: President?<br />
KIRBY: No. Yes! Yes.<br />
FRASIER: Good, good. And which president was he?<br />
KIRBY: Of the United States.<br />
FRASIER: I mean which number? All right, here's a hint: He<br />
was elected in <strong>eight</strong>een-forty.<br />
KIRBY: Eighteenth? Fortieth?<br />
FRASIER: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?<br />
KIRBY: Sort of.<br />
FRASIER: What does "sort of" mean?<br />
KIRBY: No. It's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to<br />
know.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem<br />
unimportant to you now, but knowing something about<br />
where we came from may help you to decide where you<br />
wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you<br />
be condemned to repeat it. Start reading. Continue until<br />
your mother gets here.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Fraizh. You know that guy, Roger, on<br />
fourteen, who has that little Scottish Terrier? MacDuff?<br />
Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a<br />
party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God!<br />
Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?<br />
FRASIER: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major<br />
holiday, that's normal? He's got a Santa cap for Christmas,<br />
he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam<br />
o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...<br />
MARTIN: Well, they're just hats! It's not a whole party. I<br />
mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more<br />
than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or...<br />
page 11
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Or Cinco de Mayo?<br />
MARTIN: That sombrero was a gift!<br />
Frasier notices Kirby watching them.<br />
FRASIER: Keep reading!<br />
MARTIN: It's nice you're helping the kid out.<br />
FRASIER: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've<br />
made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help<br />
Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one<br />
of her girlfriends, Claire.<br />
MARTIN: I remember when you used to tutor kids so they<br />
wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?<br />
LANA: You guys have a good study session today?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress.<br />
LANA: Really? Oh, what did you learn today?<br />
KIRBY: Well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison,<br />
who was our... ninth president. I mean tenth. I mean<br />
ninth.<br />
LANA: Good, not bad. So you're one step closer to getting<br />
your prom privileges back.<br />
KIRBY: Mom, I told you, I'm not going.<br />
LANA: Why not? Because you and Christie broke up?<br />
KIRBY: Thanks for spreading that around, Mom!<br />
LANA: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with<br />
his brother.<br />
FRASIER: Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen,<br />
can I have a word alone with your mother, please?<br />
Lana hands Kirby her car keys.<br />
LANA: Here, sit in the car. You can listen to the radio but<br />
don't change my presets again. When you're in my car,<br />
it's my hits or nothing! … What did you want to talk<br />
about?<br />
FRASIER: Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a<br />
chance to talk to Claire yet, seeing as how Kirby may be<br />
getting a passing grade.<br />
LANA: Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you did! That's wonderful news! Now, I was<br />
thinking for our first date, I thought perhaps Tapas. Now I<br />
know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on<br />
this...<br />
LANA: Frasier, all I did was mention you were tutoring<br />
Kirby. But she was very impressed.<br />
page 12
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: But you were supposed to set us up. We had a<br />
deal!<br />
LANA: I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up<br />
with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if<br />
you don't time this right you're going to blow it.<br />
FRASIER: All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If<br />
anyone understands the value of restraint and taking<br />
things slowly, it's yours truly.<br />
LANA: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to<br />
your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with<br />
wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out<br />
of ever seeing me again.<br />
FRASIER: I think "plied" is a bit strong!<br />
Cafe Nervosa.<br />
ROZ: I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.<br />
FRASIER: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative<br />
thoughts, outside the box thinking, that sort of thing.<br />
ROZ: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you<br />
say "No", you'll be crushing a dream I've had since<br />
college.<br />
FRASIER: A three day weekend, that's quite a dream.<br />
ROZ: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce<br />
Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in<br />
the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage<br />
with him.<br />
FRASIER: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?<br />
ROZ: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I<br />
want to be the first in line.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa", I<br />
would have found a polite way to say no, but as it is,<br />
no.<br />
ROZ: I can't believe I could have just called in sick<br />
instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly<br />
good honesty on you!<br />
DAPHNE: Coffee, Niles?<br />
NILES: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three<br />
shots of espresso.<br />
DAPHNE: The Defibrilator?<br />
NILES: Yeah, that's the one.<br />
FRASIER: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?<br />
page 13
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not<br />
getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...<br />
FRASIER: Stop right there! No use in conjuring up<br />
imagery I'll only have to repress later.<br />
NILES: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate<br />
jughead. …. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly<br />
tossing and turning. She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.<br />
DAPHNE: I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to<br />
sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to<br />
have to fight me off.<br />
NILES: Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor!<br />
DAPHNE: You've never minded the rough stuff before.<br />
FRASIER: That's it, I'm leaving. … Good lord, it's Claire.<br />
DAPHNE: I thought you liked her.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I do.<br />
NILES: So what's the problem?<br />
FRASIER: Lana has told me I am under no circumstances<br />
to ask her out on a date! She says that if I rush things, I<br />
will ruin my chances. Claire... Fancy seeing you here.<br />
CLAIRE: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe<br />
Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a<br />
subscription.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you know, I could call someone for you.<br />
CLAIRE: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while<br />
you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes<br />
sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that<br />
week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much<br />
as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people<br />
who share my interests, I've been trying to convince<br />
someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate<br />
Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave<br />
up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just<br />
too short!<br />
FRASIER: Go out with me!<br />
Lana's Kitchen. Kirby is sitting at the table with the textbook.<br />
FRASIER: The trick to remembering the difference<br />
between William Henry Harrison and William Howard<br />
Taft is a simple mnemonic device.<br />
KIRBY: A what?<br />
FRASIER: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first<br />
month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly<br />
page 14
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters fa-t.<br />
KIRBY: So now to remember two things, I have to<br />
remember two other things. Plus the first two things.<br />
That's FOUR things.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, but the first two things are easier to<br />
remember and they are clues to the second. Will you<br />
just try to keep up, Kirby?<br />
KIRBY: What are you getting all up in my face for?<br />
FRASIER: Because you are not working hard enough.<br />
KIRBY: Well, whose fault is that?<br />
FRASIER: Yours!<br />
KIRBY: Whatever, dude.<br />
LANA: How's it going?<br />
KIRBY: Well, I'm cool.<br />
FRASIER: As am I.<br />
LANA: Oh, Frasier, you staying for dinner?<br />
FRASIER: Sure.<br />
LANA: Kirby, go wash up. And USE WATER!<br />
FRASIER: Listen, Lana, I ran into Claire this afternoon,<br />
and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though<br />
we'll... we're going to be going out together.<br />
LANA: You what? I told you the timing wasn't right. You<br />
went behind my back!<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to<br />
Claire's kingdom and the truth is I didn't need the key.<br />
When I got there the gates were open, the mat said<br />
"Welcome Frasier".<br />
LANA: If you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can<br />
think again!<br />
FRASIER: There is no point in tutoring him if he is not<br />
willing to learn!<br />
The answering machine picks up a phone call.<br />
CLAIRE: (from a.m.) Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked<br />
me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. Of<br />
course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn<br />
off. So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch,<br />
do you, is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give<br />
me a call, let me know what you think, bye.<br />
LANA: Hmmm, what do I think?<br />
FRASIER: Perhaps I spoke hastily.<br />
page 15
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LANA: I think... I want Kirby to get a C.<br />
FRASIER: You said all he had to get was a passing grade!<br />
LANA: Well, that's before you went behind my back. And<br />
just for arguing, I want a B!<br />
FRASIER: That's crazy!<br />
LANA: Well, keep talking mister, and I'll go for an A!<br />
FRASIER: All right, a B it is!<br />
KIRBY: What am I doing again? Oh yeah, I'm washing up.<br />
LANA: Okay, a B minus.<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Kirby and Frasier are at a tutoring session.<br />
FRASIER: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If<br />
you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat<br />
you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does<br />
that sound?<br />
KIRBY: You and me at a fancy French restaurant? Kinda<br />
gay.<br />
FRASIER: Hi, Roz. Roz, this is Kirby, my... tutee.<br />
ROZ: Well, study hard, but remember: school isn't<br />
everything. I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I<br />
turned out.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, Roz. I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not<br />
scare him straight.<br />
KIRBY: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the<br />
office, huh?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, yes, well, sometimes. But she's union, so you<br />
put up with it.<br />
KIRBY: No, I mean she's hot!<br />
FRASIER: Stop that. You stick to girls your own age.<br />
KIRBY: Had one, she dumped me.<br />
FRASIER: Sorry to hear that.<br />
KIRBY: I don't care. She can go to the prom with anyone<br />
she wants.<br />
FRASIER: Wait a moment. Is that what all this current<br />
malaise is about? Heartbreak?<br />
KIRBY: No! I'm way over it. You know what would be<br />
awesome is if I could go to the prom with some totally<br />
hot older chick like Roz. That would totally burn up<br />
Christie. All my friends would be like "Whoa, she's so<br />
hot!"<br />
page 16
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of<br />
your mind because.... Kirby, if I could convince Roz to<br />
go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning<br />
this material? And think hard before you answer,<br />
because if it's "yes", you're in my house, mister.<br />
KIRBY: I'm in.<br />
FRASIER: Deal. Now listen, we'll just keep this between us.<br />
There's no need to tell your mom.<br />
KIRBY: No problem. So, how you gonna get her to go with<br />
me?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce<br />
Springsteen.<br />
Frasier's Apartment. Frasier and Kirby are studying.<br />
KIRBY: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.<br />
FRASIER: That's the "pop" part. But don't despair, Kirby,<br />
you got nineteen out of twenty-five, well done. Looks<br />
like you're well on your way to that prom. Now let's<br />
see that essay you wrote.<br />
Martin comes from his room playing tug-o-war with Eddie.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here.<br />
MARTIN: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits.<br />
Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to.<br />
FRASIER: You still on that?<br />
MARTIN: Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group.<br />
He's been going to that park for years. Half those people<br />
wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us.<br />
Now they're down there drinking beer and swapping<br />
stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart.<br />
FRASIER: Eddie's fine, Dad. Seems you're the one who feels<br />
left out.<br />
MARTIN: I do not! And it just so happens that we've got<br />
plans for this afternoon, anyway, big plans. (phone rings)<br />
Hello? ... Oh, hi, Roger. ... Oh, party? No, hadn't heard<br />
about it. ... Oh, really? Well, yeah I guess we could come<br />
down. ... Sure, okay. Well, be right down. ... Okay, bye. …<br />
I knew it! The invite must have got lost in the mail.<br />
Well, see you later boys, it's party time!<br />
page 17
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Les Habitants. Claire and Frasier are at a table together.<br />
FRASIER: This is fun.<br />
CLAIRE: It is. You know, I think restaurants are like<br />
museums. Great food, like great art, has the ability to both<br />
elevate and inspire.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I so agree. But one must dine with some savoir<br />
faire. You won't get much out of it if you're just some<br />
Philistine walking in off the street.<br />
Kirby comes in with Roz, some friends and their dates.<br />
FRIEND: Dude, fancy!<br />
KIRBY: (to Roz) So, would you order some wine for us?<br />
ROZ: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk,<br />
the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup<br />
any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?<br />
KIRBY: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?<br />
MAITRE D': Would any one of you like a drink?<br />
KIRBY: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.<br />
ROZ: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack<br />
Daniels in it. Never order for your date, it's cheesy.<br />
Frasier is ordering at his table.<br />
FRASIER: And the lady will have the filet. Well, a toast: to<br />
this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass.<br />
LANA: Hey, you guys! Hi. What are you doing here?<br />
CLAIRE: We're having a date.<br />
LANA: I'm looking for Kirby, it's his prom night, he left his<br />
camera at home.<br />
FRASIER: Kirby is here?<br />
LANA: Somewhere, he said you told him about this place.<br />
FRASIER: Right, right. So I did. Listen, Lana, wait! You<br />
know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I<br />
mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him.<br />
LANA: Oh, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should<br />
be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.<br />
CLAIRE: Lana is such a great mom. She really cares about<br />
her kids.<br />
FRASIER: She sure does.<br />
LANA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S WITH YOU??!!<br />
KIRBY: Mom, would you cool out?<br />
LANA: How do you expect me to cool out when you're<br />
with... what are you, a hooker?<br />
page 18
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: She works for me.<br />
FRIEND: You're her pimp?<br />
MAITRE D': Is there a problem?<br />
FRASIER: No, no, everything's perfectly fine.<br />
LANA: You know this tramp?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, I do. Lana, please. This is all innocent<br />
enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.<br />
LANA: By promising him sex?<br />
ROZ: You promised him sex?<br />
FRIEND: You're getting sex!<br />
LANA: You're coming with me!<br />
KIRBY: Mom, I'm not going.<br />
FRASIER: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in<br />
exchange for his studying.<br />
LANA: That's disgusting!<br />
FRASIER: It's no different than you promising me a date<br />
with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.<br />
CLAIRE: Excuse me? You traded me like a commodity?<br />
LANA: Oh, get off your high horse!<br />
KIRBY: You tutored me to get to her?<br />
CLAIRE: I can't believe you used me, Lana.<br />
LANA: Well get a little perspective, my son's here with a<br />
prostitute!<br />
ROZ: If you call me that one more time, lady...!<br />
LANA: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything...<br />
CLAIRE: You dangled me like bait?<br />
KIRBY: You said you cared about my education, but you're<br />
just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty seventh<br />
president!<br />
MAITRE D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.<br />
LANA: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!<br />
KIRBY: I'm not going anywhere.<br />
CLAIRE: Well, I am.<br />
FRASIER: STOP IT EVERYBODY! Fellow diners, if you will<br />
all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you<br />
are going to pass history and you are going to graduate<br />
from high school. Roz, you are going to get your<br />
Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom<br />
your son could expect to have a thoroughly<br />
wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle.<br />
Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out<br />
page 19
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
of love for her son. And if I compromised my ethics, it<br />
was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by<br />
you.<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.<br />
FRASIER: You have no idea.<br />
Street. Frasier is sitting on a stoop, talking into his cell phone.<br />
FRASIER: Hi, Lana, it's Frasier. Yeah, I was hoping I could<br />
maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow. Say, move it<br />
up to four o'clock, just after school? ... Great, great, good.<br />
... Well, Claire and I have plans. ... Yeah, I guess we are<br />
hitting it off. ... She said what about me? ... You're<br />
joking! ... Oh, you are joking. ... What did she say about<br />
me? ... Really? ... Well I guess it just proves she's a sucker<br />
for sophistication, taste and, dare I say it, old world<br />
charm.<br />
A man on the stoop next to Frasier leans over.<br />
MAN: Hey buddy. If the cops come back around, can I stash<br />
something in your bag?<br />
FRASIER: I'll have to call you back.<br />
He is in a sleeping bag, first in line next to a signboard reading "BRUCE<br />
SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS ON SALE SATURDAY 10 AM".<br />
page 20
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
A Day In May<br />
Apartment. Daphne opens the door to Roz, who is carrying Alice.<br />
DAPHNE: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?<br />
ROZ: We're borrowing Frasier's car.<br />
DAPHNE: I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.<br />
ROZ: Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the<br />
shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an<br />
ice cream party.<br />
FRASIER: You told me it was your friends, and the Science<br />
Center!<br />
ROZ: He said, she said, we'll never know what really<br />
happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna<br />
hurt your precious car.<br />
FRASIER: I'm not uptight, it's just that I've had some<br />
unfortunate experiences before, loaning out my car.<br />
DAPHNE: I left an umbrella in the trunk.<br />
FRASIER: It was a wet umbrella!<br />
ROZ: Can I have the keys?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, yes. After all, what are fine possessions for<br />
if not to be used in a joy, and who better to enjoy them<br />
than the delightful souls of small children?<br />
ROZ: I'll put a tarp in the backseat.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, bless you.<br />
NILES: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?<br />
ROZ: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a<br />
telephone pole.<br />
FRASIER: You said you were getting a tune-up!<br />
ROZ: It needs one, trust me!<br />
NILES: Is Daphne ready?<br />
FRASIER: Actually I think she's in her room. You two have<br />
plans?<br />
NILES: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can<br />
you believe she's never been before?<br />
FRASIER: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens<br />
last year?<br />
NILES: Can you believe she's never been before?<br />
NILES: Hey, Daphne! Ready to go to the gardens?<br />
page 21
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for<br />
a walk first.<br />
NILES: Where's Dad?<br />
DAPHNE: I don't know, he's been gone all morning.<br />
NILES: Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll<br />
go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park.<br />
NILES: We don't have time to go the dog park, the Tour of<br />
Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Frasier, can you<br />
take him?<br />
FRASIER: No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and<br />
Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session<br />
with Kirby. (on phone) Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I<br />
need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow,<br />
for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've<br />
got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a<br />
platinum one! No, there are no diamonds on the<br />
corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the<br />
Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the<br />
waiting list. I'll see you in June.<br />
Park.<br />
NILES: So this is it. I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more<br />
like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?<br />
DAPHNE: Don't stare, it only encourages them.<br />
NILES: Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting<br />
depravity to explore.<br />
DAPHNE: He wants to play a little fetch. Here, you throw it.<br />
NILES: With my bare hands? … All right, I didn't give you<br />
enough of a challenge. Here, ready? Go get it! I'm sorry,<br />
I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to<br />
spend the day. In fact, it's kind of romantic.<br />
A huge retreiver comes back with the end of the rope hanging from his jaws.<br />
NILES: Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?<br />
JIM: Good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with<br />
the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here,<br />
Eddie can't keep up with him.<br />
DAPHNE: It's no problem, Jim. Niles, this is Jim Grady and<br />
Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.<br />
JIM: Boyfriend? I should have known. It seems like every<br />
time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time<br />
page 22
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
you're single I'm in a relationship. I guess we just don't<br />
have…<br />
DAPHNE: Timing!<br />
JIM: And I'm a drummer!<br />
NILES: Which makes it even more ironic!<br />
Tank starts climbing Niles's leg, to his horror.<br />
JIM: Tank, that's rude! Now, chill.<br />
DAPHNE: Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the<br />
problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's<br />
gonna get food.<br />
NILES: Or one of my socks! But mostly food.<br />
JIM: Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can<br />
learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie.<br />
You want me to show you?<br />
Room. Martin is seated at a table in a nondescript waiting room.<br />
MARTIN: Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure<br />
Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it<br />
this morning.<br />
NILES: Yeah, we're in the dog park now. Where are you,<br />
anyway?<br />
MARTIN: I'm at the track. Had an itch for it when I woke<br />
up, and so just I dropped everything and went. I'm at the<br />
window, I'm in a trifecta in the <strong>eight</strong>h. All right, gotta<br />
run.<br />
House. Lana opens the door to the house, and Frasier follows her in.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling<br />
houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off<br />
and then come on your own?<br />
LANA: Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we<br />
don't run into the sad sack who owns this place. I've<br />
been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he<br />
keeps driving away every potential buyer.<br />
FRASIER: How does he do that?<br />
PHILLIP: Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it<br />
might be my wife coming back to me.<br />
LANA: No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband,<br />
Lamar, remember? Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip<br />
Donovan, the current owner. Well, see you later Phillip!<br />
PHILLIP: Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No<br />
talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and<br />
threw it to the dogs - which she also took.<br />
page 23
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Well, at least you're getting out at the top of the<br />
market!<br />
LANA: Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think<br />
today is the day!<br />
PHILLIP: Oh, no! The damn basement must have flooded<br />
again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap<br />
she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first<br />
soccer uniform, ruined!<br />
FRASIER: Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner…<br />
Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet<br />
pantaloons. Well, it's a long story. But he had it out in<br />
under a minute!<br />
LANA: Frasier, just give him the address.<br />
PHILLIP: I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect<br />
American family... until that bastard Lamar showed up<br />
to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend<br />
visits, and a few treasures from their childhood. Like this<br />
house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank<br />
goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little<br />
water damage in the basement. Just like this house...<br />
FRASIER: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know<br />
things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get<br />
easier.<br />
PHILLIP: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm<br />
dressed.<br />
LANA: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is<br />
to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think<br />
you should get back to work?<br />
PHILLIP: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself.<br />
LANA: OK, here we go. No, not the front door! Let's go out<br />
the side door. It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call<br />
you when we sell the place, bye!<br />
FRASIER: Well, that man is obviously in pain, the least<br />
you could be is a little sympathetic!<br />
LANA: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him<br />
over for Thanksgiving! He got tears in the first half-hour<br />
and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I<br />
consider that one of our good days!<br />
FRASIER: Well, so where are these so-called buyers of<br />
yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes.<br />
LANA: Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give<br />
us time to go over the plan.<br />
FRASIER: What, there's a plan?<br />
page 24
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LANA: Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act<br />
like you want the house. You know, a little competition,<br />
put a little pressure on the deal.<br />
FRASIER: You're asking me to be your shill?<br />
LANA: That's the word! Yes! Now listen, you don't have to<br />
say anything!<br />
FRASIER: I'm sorry, no!<br />
LANA: Well, why?! All you have to do is walk around<br />
with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll<br />
fill in the rest!<br />
FRASIER: I will do no such thing! I refuse to lie for you!<br />
LANA: Oh fine, then go wait in the car!<br />
FRASIER: I never wanted to leave the car!<br />
House. Frasier comes in the door with a grocery bag.<br />
FRASIER: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles,<br />
and something they call "Bob Pops!"<br />
LANA: I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra<br />
time.<br />
FRASIER: Right, good. Let's spread out some paper and then<br />
build us a house!<br />
LANA: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do<br />
you justify faking this thing?<br />
FRASIER: Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an<br />
innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.<br />
LANA: So, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?<br />
FRASIER: I'll do it.<br />
Park. Daphne watches as Tank obeys Jim's every command.<br />
JIM: Sit. Wave. All right, hide your eyes. Hide 'em...<br />
NILES: Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He<br />
may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...<br />
you have substance. She knows that.<br />
DAPHNE: How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to<br />
animals, it's almost magical.<br />
NILES: Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I<br />
have a thought. In every healthy relationship, I may ask<br />
for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.<br />
DAPHNE: What do you mean?<br />
page 25
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: A thing we insist the other do or not do, and the<br />
other one has to do it or not do it, without question. We<br />
each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, if it's important to you.<br />
NILES: Then it's agreed? Good... oh, I've got mine! I want<br />
you to promise never to come to this dog park again. I<br />
know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's<br />
the beauty of the irrational demand.<br />
DAPHNE: Is this about Jim?<br />
NILES: The demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by<br />
definition, irrational.<br />
DAPHNE: And are you sure this is how you want to use your<br />
only one?<br />
NILES: Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot.<br />
Irrationally, of course.<br />
DAPHNE: OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this<br />
dog park again.<br />
NILES: Thank you. I knew you'd understand.<br />
JIM: All right, we're going home. Tank needs to rehydrate,<br />
and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim.<br />
JIM: Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first<br />
raft tour in Chile.<br />
NILES: Wow, when do you get back?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there.<br />
Good luck, Jim.<br />
JIM: Yes, you too. And stay cool, buddy.<br />
NILES: Oh, you know it.<br />
DAPHNE: I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh,<br />
what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.<br />
Waiting Room. Joanne, a woman in her 50s, comes up to Martin.<br />
JOANNE: Hi, Martin. How have you been?<br />
MARTIN: Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat.<br />
JOANNE: Thanks. I was worried I was going to be late<br />
with all that construction going on.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, I know, it's a mess.<br />
JOANNE: How's your hip?<br />
MARTIN: You learn to live with it.<br />
JOANNE: I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to<br />
call, but... I don't know.<br />
page 26
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: I understand, it's OK.<br />
JOANNE: So... another year has gone by.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah. Time really flies.<br />
JOANNE: I guess it goes a little slower for me.<br />
House. Frasier and Lana are finishing a new house.<br />
FRASIER: How's our roof coming?<br />
LANA: Almost done.<br />
FRASIER: Good. You know, there was a time back in high<br />
school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to<br />
watch you eat a popsicle. It was a long time ago.<br />
LANA: I think it's kind of funny that we became friends.<br />
FRASIER: We're friends?<br />
LANA: Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so? I<br />
hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. OK, keep working. I gotta<br />
go get Phil to try and spray some air freshener around.<br />
This room reeks of... I don't know, despair!<br />
MRS. SMOLENSKI: It's even nicer than I remember!<br />
They see a grown man wearing a huge paper smock, gluing sticks<br />
together and sucking on a popsicle.<br />
MRS. SMOLENSKI: Well, hello there! Are you having fun<br />
making your little house?<br />
LANA: Oh, there you are! I see you've met Frasier. I am so<br />
glad you came today, because the interest in this place is<br />
really heating up!<br />
MR. SMOLENSKI: Well, we're certainly interested as well, but<br />
we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a<br />
flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the<br />
basement here?<br />
LANA: Honestly? This house is sixty years old, and I have<br />
only heard of it flooding once. And I could tell you for<br />
a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his<br />
most cherished keepsakes in that basement.<br />
Frasier makes a hacking cough.<br />
MRS. SMOLENSKI: Are you choking on your lolly?<br />
FRASIER: No. I am choking on something far more<br />
dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's<br />
a prolific and powerful poison known as deception!<br />
MRS. SMOLENSKI: He's very verbal!<br />
LANA: Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know,<br />
the owner did mention something about a recent little<br />
page 27
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't<br />
I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny<br />
bit in the price?<br />
MRS. SMOLENSKI: Oh, that'd be wonderful! If he could give us<br />
a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer.<br />
LANA: Oh, great! I'll call you tonight.<br />
FRASIER: There now, you see? You did the right thing.<br />
That wasn't so bad, was it?<br />
LANA: I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks<br />
great!<br />
FRASIER: I think the house should go the other way<br />
around - with the door facing the couch. Perfect. Now<br />
you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like<br />
breathing a breath of fresh air, and…<br />
LANA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go!<br />
Apartment. Roz steps off the elevator carrying Alice.<br />
ROZ: Ok, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's<br />
remember together what really happened. Now, did you<br />
throw up in Uncle Frasier's car? No, you didn't. And that<br />
snow was there before, wasn't it? That's my girl.<br />
Hearing Room. David Hicks is sitting wearing a prison uniform.<br />
DAVID: And besides the library assignment, I've been<br />
taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get<br />
a job with computers... when I get out.<br />
1ST BOARD MEMBER: Can you tell us what consideration, if<br />
any, you've given this crime?<br />
DAVID: Well... I regret it, every day. I was young at the<br />
time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the<br />
consequences. And I'm very sorry.<br />
2ND BOARD MEMBER: The victim is here. Mr. Crane, would<br />
you like to make a statement?<br />
MARTIN: I have nothing to say.<br />
3RD BOARD MEMBER: Would you give us a moment? … Mr.<br />
Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in<br />
the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your<br />
record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this<br />
against your conviction of shooting a police officer<br />
during the commission of a robbery - and find that the<br />
length of your time served has not yet met the<br />
standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as<br />
required by state law. Parole is denied.<br />
page 28
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
The Cranes Go Carribean<br />
Frasier's Apt. Frasier comes from the kitchen with the placemats.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, listen, when Claire gets here, can you give<br />
us a moment of privacy? Actually, I'm planning on<br />
asking her to go to Belize with me next weekend.<br />
NILES: Wait, next weekend? That's awfully soon, I hope<br />
Claire's free.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well actually Lana told me on the Q-T that<br />
Claire's already gotten wind of the trip, and she's eager<br />
to go. So all that's left for me to do is ask her and act<br />
surprised when she says "Yes". So, are you jealous?<br />
NILES: Well, I might be jealous, but as it happens, I have<br />
plans next weekend myself. You know Daphne and I are<br />
celebrating one year of being together.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, that's wonderful. Gosh. So, what do you<br />
have in store?<br />
NILES: Oh, a weekend alone at my apartment. You see,<br />
we don't need beaches or sunsets, just a simple Victorian<br />
bathtub filled with champagne, us and a non-slip mat.<br />
FRASIER: Romantic and yet prudent. Very good. Here's<br />
where I'm taking Claire. Do you think she'll like it?<br />
Daphne comes in from the kitchen and overhears.<br />
NILES: Lush grounds, white sandy beaches, this hotel looks<br />
amazing, she's going to love it!<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Niles, I also took the liberty of buying<br />
myself a new piece of luggage by Moritzio. Would you<br />
care to see it?<br />
NILES: Moritzio?! Try and stop me! I'm green with envy!<br />
The doorbell rings and Daphne goes to answer it. It is Claire.<br />
CLAIRE: Hi, Daphne. You seem so happy. What?<br />
DAPHNE: Well it seems Niles is going to surprise me with an<br />
exotic trip for our anniversary.<br />
CLAIRE: How funny. You know, Frasier...<br />
DAPHNE: I'm so excited. We've only recently started going<br />
away together. We wanted to wait until we got to know<br />
each other better. I know, it sounds old-fashioned. But<br />
there's nothing worse for a relationship than moving too<br />
fast. … I've just been telling Claire about our<br />
anniversary plans.<br />
page 29
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Oh, yes! There's no place like home.<br />
FRASIER: Claire, listen, I know this is coming out of the<br />
blue, but how would you like to go away with me next<br />
weekend, to Belize?<br />
CLAIRE: That sounds wonderful, Frasier.<br />
FRASIER: I thought you might say that.<br />
CLAIRE: Only... do you think maybe it's too soon for us to<br />
go away together?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I don't know. I'd hate for us to go away<br />
before we're ready.<br />
CLAIRE: So are you saying we're not ready? I don't want to<br />
jeopardize our relationship.<br />
FRASIER: Well, if we don't know, maybe we should wait.<br />
CLAIRE: Okay, you know best.<br />
The kitchen. Daphne is preparing sandwiches.<br />
DAPHNE: So Niles, about our anniversary weekend, I'm<br />
trying to figure out what to bring. Will your apartment<br />
be warm that weekend, or unseasonably cold?<br />
NILES: Well, I keep the thermostat at a stead seventy-one,<br />
but I'm flexible within a degree or two.<br />
DAPHNE: Will we snorkel?<br />
NILES: Daphne, you're making me blush.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, Niles, stop it. I know about the trip to Belize!<br />
I'm sorry, I overheard you talking to your brother.<br />
Trust you to plan something so romantic!<br />
NILES: That isn't what...<br />
DAPHNE: Stop the charade! A bathtub full of champagne,<br />
please! We used to do that in high school!<br />
She heads off to the living room as Frasier comes in.<br />
FRASIER: Well, turns out I'm not going to Belize after all.<br />
Claire thinks it may be too soon for us to go away<br />
together. Or I do. I forget who spoke last.<br />
NILES: Well, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated. Can I<br />
have your reservations? I've decided to go away with<br />
Daphne for our anniversary.<br />
FRASIER: Why not? At least one of us should have the most<br />
romantic weekend of his life.<br />
NILES: Thank you Frasier. I only wish it could be you. Do<br />
you suppose I could borrow your new luggage? … That's<br />
too far.<br />
page 30
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
The living room. Claire steps out of the powder room.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, it's official. Niles is whisking me away<br />
next weekend. I'm so excited. Each trip just gets better<br />
and better.<br />
CLAIRE: Because you waited.<br />
DAPHNE: I suppose, but looking back I can't believe we<br />
held off for so long. All the fun we missed. Let's face<br />
it, when it's the right person, there's no sense in<br />
waiting. (goes back to the kitchen)<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, about Belize...<br />
FRASIER: Now, now, Claire, we've made our decision and I<br />
think it's a good one.<br />
CLAIRE: Maybe it's not too soon to go away.<br />
FRASIER: Go on.<br />
CLAIRE: Are we possibly denying ourselves a wonderful<br />
trip?<br />
FRASIER: Well, examining it from all angles, one could<br />
certainly make a case...<br />
CLAIRE: Let's go!<br />
FRASIER: I'm already packed!<br />
CLAIRE: Oh, I better run!<br />
FRASIER: I thought we were having lunch.<br />
CLAIRE: Well, if we're going to Belize, I've got some<br />
shopping to do.<br />
FRASIER: What do you mean "if"?<br />
CLAIRE: What do you mean?<br />
FRASIER: Just go shop! … Niles, I'm sorry, it turns out<br />
Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and<br />
Daphne will have to go someplace else.<br />
NILES: Wait! Daphne has her heart set on Belize!<br />
FRASIER: Niles, this is not "Cranes Go Caribbean", I want to<br />
be alone with Claire!<br />
Martin and Roz come in the front door, walking Eddie and Ariele.<br />
ROZ: Hi, guys. Ariele, come and say hello to Frasier and<br />
Niles. Ariele just joined Martin's dog group at the park.<br />
And she discovered squirrels. I discovered I'm not the<br />
only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently<br />
we also hunt in packs. Come on, let's go get some<br />
water.<br />
page 31
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Frasier, I got a little favor to ask you. Duke<br />
and I are going on a fishing trip next weekend, and I<br />
need you to look after Eddie.<br />
FRASIER: Actually, I've got plans next weekend, Dad.<br />
Where are you going?<br />
MARTIN: Belize! I saw that brochure you had lying around.<br />
The fishing looks fantastic, not to mention the sandy<br />
beaches, the lush grounds...<br />
FRASIER: Yes, Dad, I'm familiar with it. That's where I'm<br />
taking Claire.<br />
NILES: And I'm going with Daphne.<br />
FRASIER: What the hell. The more the merrier.<br />
Lana's VW. Lana is driving Frasier to the airport.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, by the way, thanks for driving me and Claire<br />
to the airport.<br />
LANA: Frasier, please, are you kidding? Because of you, my<br />
Kirby got a "B" in history. A "B".<br />
FRASIER: Yes, it turned out well for both of us. For once,<br />
somebody else got the grade and I got the girl.<br />
LANA: God, I just hope Claire is waiting outside. This traffic<br />
is terrible. … I didn't know you smoked.<br />
FRASIER: I don't. The way you're driving I'm not gonna die<br />
of natural causes anyway.<br />
LANA: Give me that. Problem with my driving?<br />
FRASIER: No, it's fine. Just wish you'd pick a lane, that's<br />
all.<br />
LANA: Pick, pick, pick. You're certainly an expert at that.<br />
FRASIER: What is that supposed to mean?<br />
LANA: It means that nothing is ever good enough for you.<br />
You complain about everything. Come on, Frasier! I<br />
have been out with you! "The wine has turned." "The<br />
silver has tarnished." "The service is too slow." "The<br />
cheese is too runny."<br />
FRASIER: It was Camembert! If anything, it wasn't runny<br />
enough. Yes, I may have exacting standards, but what<br />
you choose to characterize as fault-finding, I think of<br />
as my steadfast refusal to settle.<br />
LANA: Please! This Newport is more alive with pleasure than<br />
you are. The truth is, Frasier, you don't know how to be<br />
happy.<br />
page 32
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: That is ridiculous. Want to see me happy? You<br />
leave more than half a car length between us and that<br />
Taurus. (they smash into the Taurus) At least whoever gets<br />
my seat on the plane will be happy.<br />
The Hotel Lobby in Belize. Frasier is sitting at a table.<br />
MANAGER: I understand your room is not satisfactory?<br />
FRASIER: YES, I HAD A RESERVATION FOR AN OCEAN-<br />
VIEW SUITE AND INSTEAD I GOT A SINGLE ROOM<br />
OVERLOOKING AN ABANDONED BUS!<br />
MANAGER: Please, sir, you don't have to yell.<br />
FRASIER: OH, I'M SORRY. YOU SEE, MY EARS GOT<br />
CLOGGED SOMEWHERE ABOVE OAXACA AND THEY<br />
HAVEN'T POPPED YET! NOW, IF I COULD JUST GET<br />
THE ROOM THAT I RESERVED...<br />
MANAGER: I'm afraid we gave your room away. Check-in<br />
time is three o'clock and we never heard from you.<br />
FRASIER: LET ME SEE...AT THREE O'CLOCK, MY<br />
GIRLFRIEND AND I HAD JUST DISEMBARKED IN<br />
PUNTA GORDA FROM OUR PLANE THAT WAS LATE<br />
BECAUSE THE PILOT HAD TO DUST SOME CROPS. I<br />
COULD HAVE CALLED DURING MY CONNECTING<br />
TRACTOR RIDE, BUT I HAD TO FIND OUT WHICH OF<br />
FOUR AIRLINES HAD LOST MY LUGGAGE, NOT TO<br />
MENTION... my ears just popped!<br />
MANAGER: Congratulations, sir.<br />
FRASIER: I still want a better room!<br />
Claire: FRASIER, THIS PLACE IS WONDERFUL! YOU<br />
SHOULD SEE THE POOL!<br />
FRASIER: It's all right, my ears are better now.<br />
CLAIRE: Well, that's good news.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, we're on a roll.<br />
NILES: Hello there. We thought you'd decided to hide in<br />
your hotel room all weekend.<br />
CLAIRE: Well, actually, we just got here, we missed our<br />
flight this morning.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh dear, what happened?<br />
FRASIER: Well, Lana happened. We were on our way to the<br />
airport...<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, please. They don't need to hear the whole<br />
story and God knows I'm good for a while.<br />
NILES: So, who's up for a drink?<br />
page 33
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: You go ahead Claire, I'm still working on our<br />
room.<br />
NILES: Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good. This<br />
place is completely freeing. Would you believe today I<br />
dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a<br />
secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and<br />
surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather<br />
curious grouper.<br />
FRASIER: Don't you have a diary?<br />
MARTIN: Well, look who finally got here! Fraizh, how was<br />
your flight?<br />
NILES: Oh, don't poke the bear, Dad. How was fishing?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, Duke and I caught the biggest marlin you've<br />
ever seen. The swells were huge, it took us two hours to<br />
reel it in.<br />
NILES: Where's Duke?<br />
MARTIN: He's up in his room. Sunburned, heaving his<br />
guts out. Fraizh, why don't you and Claire join us for<br />
dinner?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, no thanks Dad. We've reserved a romantic<br />
table for two at the water's edge.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, say no more.<br />
The dining room. Martin, Daphne and Niles are eating dinner.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I've gone on long enough about fishing.<br />
What'd you guys do today?<br />
NILES: Oh, you know, took a swim, got some sun.<br />
MARTIN: Well, just make sure you keep your suits on.<br />
The skipper of the fishing boat has a telephoto lens. He<br />
posts the photos in the bait shop under "Catch of the<br />
Day". (Frasier and Claire walk up) Oh, look who decided to<br />
join us. What happened to your table?<br />
FRASIER: Well, we waited an eternity for our table but it<br />
never opened up.<br />
WAITER: Would you like a menu?<br />
NILES: Oh, you know what? You have got to get the John<br />
Dory.<br />
DAPHNE: No, it can't be any better than this halibut.<br />
MARTIN: No, don't listen to 'em. These soft-shelled crabs are<br />
melting in my mouth.<br />
WAITER: I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of all three.<br />
FRASIER: Wonderful. Well, what fish do you have?<br />
WAITER: We make a decent swordfish.<br />
page 34
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: "Decent"? That's what I traveled four thousand<br />
miles for? "Decent"? You should put that on your menu:<br />
Home of the Decent... Swordfish is fine, thank you.<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, what's the matter? We've both had a<br />
long day, but we're here now, why can't you make the<br />
most of it?<br />
FRASIER: I'm sorry. You know, you're right. Okay, not<br />
another word.<br />
MARTIN: Well, as long as everyone's here, I'd like to make<br />
a toast. There's nothing that gives me greater joy than<br />
to see both my boys happy. (winces and cries out)<br />
DAPHNE: Mr. Crane, is something the matter?<br />
MARTIN: It's reeling that fish in today, my arms are shot. I'll<br />
be all right. Anyway, what I wanted to say was… AHH!<br />
NILES: Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I just want to say that I'm not the only<br />
fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best<br />
one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her<br />
to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all<br />
agree that she's quite a catch. And Claire, I just want you<br />
to know how glad we are that you're here. I don't<br />
remember Frasier being this happy in a long time.<br />
FRASIER: Out of swordfish too?<br />
WAITER: I'm sorry sir, may I suggest the pepper steak?<br />
FRASIER: Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's<br />
finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh<br />
fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of<br />
artery clogging, hormone injected, frozen red meat<br />
instead??!! I'm sorry, Dad. Please continue.<br />
MARTIN: No, that's all right, I'm done.<br />
CLAIRE: Actually, I think I am, too. Excuse me.<br />
MARTIN: You didn't tell me you had steak here!<br />
Frasier's Hotel Room. Frasier comes into the room.<br />
FRASIER: Claire? Listen... I don't blame you for wanting to<br />
leave, but before you go, I'd just like to say that I'm<br />
really sorry for getting so upset. You see, it's just that<br />
since I met you, I thought... I've thought you were pretty<br />
much perfect for me. And I guess I just wanted our first<br />
trip together to be perfect too. I think it still can be.<br />
What can I say to convince you to stay?<br />
page 35
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Claire comes out of the bathroom in a silk nightgown.<br />
FRASIER: I see I'm off to a pretty good start.<br />
CLAIRE: Frasier, I wasn't going to leave. I'm crazy about<br />
you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here<br />
with me.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, nothing could be further from the truth.<br />
CLAIRE: I mean, this weekend doesn't have to be perfect,<br />
let's just try to have fun.<br />
FRASIER: Fun? Oh, I can do that. Fun's been my nickname<br />
since math camp.<br />
CLAIRE: Math camp? You're just trying to get me into bed.<br />
Later. Frasier curls up next to Claire.<br />
FRASIER: I must say, this trip has certainly taken a turn for<br />
the better. I'll tell you something else: I'm happy. Utterly<br />
and completely happy. (the woman next to him rolls over, it is<br />
now Lana)<br />
The Hotel Lobby. Frasier is on the phone.<br />
FRASIER: Listen, I'm aware of the time, it's just that... Well,<br />
you're the last person on earth I thought I'd be calling<br />
but I had this dream and I had to talk to you about it.<br />
LILITH: Oh, God. I suppose you expect me to be awake for<br />
this conversation, don't you?<br />
FRASIER: Okay, I'll be brief. It's just that I'm on vacation<br />
with my girlfriend Claire, a woman who by all<br />
conventional standards is perfect for me, and yet I just<br />
had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs<br />
from her entirely.<br />
LILITH: A man?<br />
FRASIER: Not that different.<br />
LILITH: Someone you've slept with?<br />
FRASIER: Well, yes, but it didn't work out. You see, I<br />
worshipped her for years, but then we had a parting of<br />
the ways because it turns out she was just unpleasant,<br />
confrontational, self-centered...<br />
LILITH: Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it.<br />
FRASIER: No, Lilith, it's not you. It's a woman named Lana.<br />
LILITH: Well, it seems like a textbook-simple dream. Why<br />
are you calling me?<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>eight</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Because you know me better than anybody else,<br />
and you're a terrific psychiatrist. So what do you<br />
think?<br />
LILITH: As a working hypothesis, I'd say you have the hots<br />
for Lana.<br />
FRASIER: Maybe I'm not making myself clear. You see, the<br />
woman irritates me to no end. She's antagonistic and<br />
opinionated. Critical...<br />
LILITH: Oh, so I see. What you're saying is, unlike most<br />
women you've dated, she challenges you.<br />
FRASIER: Well, maybe so, that's not the point. You see,<br />
Claire is perfect for me.<br />
LILITH: Why does this dream about Lana upset you?<br />
FRASIER: I don't know. Do you think I know how to be<br />
happy?<br />
LILITH: Of course you do. You just like a challenge. You've<br />
never been one to take the easy road.<br />
FRASIER: Well, it seems I've skidded right off the road this<br />
time and into a ditch. A deep one.<br />
LILITH: Well, you could try to throw it into reverse and<br />
spin your wheels for a while. Or you could get out into<br />
the ditch and get a little dirty.<br />
FRASIER: I see. Lana's the ditch, right? Well I guess I've got<br />
some thinking to do. Thanks for talking, Lilith.<br />
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