Download "FHM Does the Biggest Pub Crawl in - Thirsty Swagman

Words & photos: tash marti
p u b c r a w l
does
the biggest
pub crawl
in the world
12 nights, five destinations, one hell of a party
E
VER
wanted to
check out
the finest
sights of
Europe? In
October, FHM chick Tash
Marti, got to do just that,
through the bottom of her
beer glass. Keeping a dayby-day
diary, Tash, travelled
through Europe from bar to
bar, on one seriously boozy
session that she would never
forget. Even if she does only
remember half of it. We’re
just glad she kept a diary.
day one – let’s
get this party
started!
After a full day spent
travelling across the globe, I
roll into my hotel, relieved
that it didn’t smell anything
like the airplane, a tasteful
combination of stale coffee,
peanuts and strange body
odours. I was jetlagged and
ready to hit the sack when
my phone rang. I heard a
very energetic sounding
tour guide on the other line,
telling me that rest is for the
weak and it was time to get
the party started.
Stepping into Oktoberfest
I realised that I had highly
underestimated the sheer
size and atmosphere of the
whole event. I don’t think
I’ve ever seen that many hot
dogs and pretzels in my life.
There were stalls and rides
as far as the eye could see,
and the beer tents were
huge, fitting 10, 000 pissed
punters in each tent.
As I walked into the first
tent, I thought to myself.
‘Okay Tash…6.3 million
drinkers, 6.7 million litres of
beer. Time to drink your
Malaysia proud!’
day two
Second day into the tour
and the hangovers had
already begun. At
breakfast, I couldn’t count a
single person on tour that
morning that didn’t have
that awkward expression
that shouts “I have to spend
the next 12 days with a
bunch of randoms and I
can’t even remember what I
did last night!”. Luckily, by
the looks of things,
everyone had got just as
written off as each other,
so I put my game face on,
fuelled up on breakfast and
headed straight back to
those beer tents.
The Germans have
definitely got their priorities
in order: almost every chick
(including the hot bar
maids) are dressed in
traditional Bavarian dirndls,
a flattering outfit that you’ll
definitely want to raise your
stein to. The beer tents
open at 10am and close
at 10pm, giving a full 12
hour work-out of spilling
your stein on happy party
goers from all over the
globe. It’s totally chaotic,
which is not surprising
seeing as Oktoberfest
dishes out enough beer to
fill six Olympic size
swimming pools!
After five hours of lifting
steins as big as my head
and singing along to an old
German Brass Band belting
out Highway to Hell,
I decided I needed some
fresh air, and what better
way to get fresh air than
flying up and down
rollercoasters at 85km
an hour? With my new
addition of liquid courage,
every massive ride seemed
like a small obstacle in my
adventures. I even took my
chances at a merry-goround
which had a bar and
one super-hot bar maid in
the middle. One day, all
merry-go-rounds will be
made this way.
day three
After two days of intensive
drinking, fast rides, ample
hotties in dirdnls and loud
brass bands, I was
wondering if the next town
we arrived in was a joke.
We were about to
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“Dusseldorf is
home to the
world’s longest
bar, and the place
boasts 360 pubs
in it’s tiny city
square”
spend the next three days in
Maria Alm, a tiny town in the
middle of the Austrian Alps.
With three pubs and
population of 2000, it was
certainly the most unlikely
destination for the hard-core
pub tour we were cruising
on. But that night quality
soon overrode quantity
when we started drinking
from roof-based wooden
wagon wheels that
dispensed different flavours
of schnapps straight into
your mouth as it spins.
day four
Maria Alm’s picturesque
streets, timbered houses and
gentle little river winding
through the centre definitely
made it seem like a set out of
Lord of the Rings. Stepping
out of the hotel, I looked
across the village and
wondered if I would meet any
hobbits that day. The town
sure was tiny but after an
amazing night I began to
have a new appreciation for
it…even in my incredibly
hung over state.
With the Alps towering in
every direction, this town was
easier on the eye than a
Hannah Tan cover shoot. One
pub we drank at that day
was tucked away half way up
the Alps, and the drinking
area consisted of a wooden
balcony that had a clear view
of the whole town. It was
difficult to decide whether
I liked this drinking hole
better than the legendary
Dengl Alm down the road
that served hot shots of
schnapps and drinks by the
metre, wooden racks of 10 of
your favourite drinks at
a time! Hmm…maybe I’ll
decide over another beer.
day five
It would seem that in this
wild town, there’s people just
waiting to give you shots of
schnapps everywhere you
go. 10am and rocking up at
a rustic old barn on the
outskirts the town, there was
a hot Austrian chick
standing with a tray of
schnapps for everyone on
tour to enjoy. We called it the
“Austrian breakfast for
champions”, and downed
them two at a time.
We were then told we
were about to trek up
a mountain to drink at
4,000ft above sea level.
I was dreading the
No prizes for the first
person to look at the
large beer glasses,
then the buxom
beauties, before
declaring “Nice jugs!’
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p u b c r a w l
combination of schnapps
and a long hike up until the
transport arrived. It was then
I began to think that maybe
a relaxing walk wasn’t such
a bad idea. Transport up the
Austrian Alps was far
different to the five-star
coach we were rolling in
earlier. Instead, we drove up
the Alps on loosely-strungtogether
farm equipment
that had all the luxury and
safety features of a homemade
third world convertible.
Safety first kids.
4,000ft later and we were
stepping on a private
residence worth around
RM25million. Alpine boozing
has never been better as
we sat on the roof drinking
and soaking up the warm
sun and crispy fresh air
that made our cold beers
taste that much better.
The view was absolutely
breathtaking, and well worth
the potentially life
threatening ride up. All that
was missing was a barbecue
and some good music.
Maybe next year.

day six
A few days of drinking with
the locals in Maria Alm and
we were back off to the big
city. Thankful that we were
back to travelling on the
five-star coach the crew
jumped on and headed
straight to the bar at the
back. Seven hours’ worth of
beers later and
we were jumping off at
Europe’s party capital,
Prague in the Czech
Republic, where the
Absinthe is almost as
abundant as water.
Drinking all day by bus
seemed like a great idea at
the time, but by night time,
we were all completely
goosed. The tour group met
up in the lobby, completely
unprepared for night that
was in store for us. I’m not
sure if it was just an
awesome night, or if it had
something to do with all the
complementary shots of
Absinthe we got at the first
pub, but every drinking joint
along this pub tour was like
a dream come true. One
club that really stood out
was seven storeys tall, with
every floor packed full of
bars, dance floors and
Eastern European hotties.
day seven
Day seven and I was
struggling. Although the
absinthe is almost as
abundant as water here –
it certainly does not have
the same hydrating effect.
Claire, the bubbly 19 yearold
girl I was twin sharing
with woke me and I was
devastated to hear that
breakfast had just finished.
It looked like we were
going to have to step out
into the blinding sunlight
if we were going to have
anything to eat.
On the journey to find the
best anti-hangover meal of
all time, we passed at least
five casinos and about eight
bars. The folks in Prague
sure have their priorities
right, it seemed that there
were casinos and bars on
just about every corner. We
even stumbled past some
inside the shopping centres.
Just when I thought I’d
seen it all and experienced
every possible degree of
hangover, we rocked up at
pub called the Beer Factory.
It was any beer lover’s
heaven, with beer taps at
every table, making you your
very own bartender. No time
wasted standing over a bar
ordering drinks and
absolutely no one to cut you
off. If you head here though,
you better make sure your
drinking stamina is up to
scratch, because each
table’s progress is displayed
on several big screens
around the pub – listing
every table’s consumption
from hardest to weakest.
Survival Tip #1:
Protect your tap from
thieving mates.
day eight
Prague sure is one big
city to handle. It was my
third day here and I hadn’t
made it to a single
breakfast. No thanks to the
raging hangovers that
seemed to come hand in
hand with Prague.
Utterly exhausted by
Prague’s explosive night life,
my mate and I decided to
venture out during the day
and see what (other than
great beer and ample
absinthe) the incredible city
had to offer. Even with
a throbbing headache and
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squinty eyes, Prague’s
beautiful buildings were
breathtaking. We even
trekked as far as the
Prague castle, which is even
older than Picasso’s mum
and also one of the biggest
castles in the world. There
was even a little bar just
outside the castle that
served refreshing beers for
those who preferred
sightseeing through the
bottom of their glasses.
That night the tour was
taken to what the tour guide
referred to as the “coolest
Hell on Earth”. Harley’s Bar
is the only true rock bar in
Prague and it’s rougher than
the dodgy transport back
in Maria Alm. With two bars
piping out the liquids,
you’ll never have to wait
more than a minute for a
drink and the entire interior
is dedicated to motorcycle
history and features an
awesome Jack Daniel’s Bar.
day nine –
bamberg
This traditional small town
has a real gothic vibe to it,
I half expected to bump into
the cast out of Twilight.
But don’t let the lack of hot
vampires disappoint you;
Bamberg is also famous for
having the world’s largest
amount of breweries per
capita, and that’s one hell of
a lot of beer. If you’re feeling
brave, make sure you try
their famous smoked beer, a
dark ale that tastes
suspiciously like the result of
smoked pork and a blender.
But hey, you haven’t lived
until you’ve tried everything
(at least) once.
After a few smoked beers,
the German pubs were
proving to be too much, and
so the tour moved on to
booze houses that were
more Irish than
a Leprechaun bathing in a
tub of Guinness.
day ten –
bamberg
If you’re yet to buy a round
on your trip, save it for
Bamberg. There’s a
Mexican joint here that
fhm.com.my
hot girls, cold beers and, er, nice
cathedrals. What more could a fella
ask for?
dishes up beers for only
one Euro all night long.
Don’t be fooled by the
peaceful ambiance of
Bamberg. In this small town
nothing is quite what it
seems. This seemingly tame
Mexican restaurant is not a
venue anyone in their right
mind would want to just
walk past. Once it hits
nightfall, the house music
starts pumping and the
locals start rolling in.
I was amazed when the
friendly staff started clearing
the tables for everyone to
dance on. Everyone on tour
was completely baffled by
the sudden crazy
atmosphere and dance floor
that you could barely
squeeze through, but no one
was complaining. This was
one party that everyone was
glad didn’t stop until the
early hours of the morning.
day eleven –
dusseldorf
Rolling into the last city on
tour, I was pretty excited. All
I knew was that Dusseldorf
was home to the world’s
longest bar, boasting over
360 pubs within its tiny old
town square. With pubs and
bars cranking everything
from live-rock music to bass
pumping discos, this wild
town had drinking holes that
catered to just about
everyone’s preferences. In
fact you could even say that
the town square from endto-end,
was just one massive
orgy of pub crawling heaven.
Glad that every pub was
within staggering distance
of one other, the tour group
had no problem venturing
from pub to pub.
And on a completely
different note, did I mention
that the girls here are more
smoking hot than the porkflavoured
ale in Bamberg?
Maybe that explains why
a third of the bars here are
conveniently equipped with
stripper poles. Our tour
group of 25 absolutely
dominated every bar it
entered, with one pub’s
house band even
responding to our
“AC/DC” chants with the
ringing of Hell’s Bells.
p u b c r a w l
day twelve –
the end is nigh
By time we’d been through
the last destination of the
tour I began to understand
what the tour itinerary had
meant when I read “Go big
or go home”. It wasn’t about
the endless amounts of bars
visited or how much beer
you could drink. It was about
all those golden moments in
between. It was about the
time spent sitting on a
rooftop, drinking beers and
telling jokes with your mates,
whilst overlooking the most
breathtaking view of the
Austrian Alps. It was about
the time all the girls got up
on stage in Dusseldorf to
sing AC/DC’s
Thunderstruck. It was about
all the little moments shared,
that made the whole tour
one big, amazing experience,
with life-long friendships
made that were even bigger.
Reckon you can handle it?
VisitOktoberfestPubCrawl.
com for details of the
2011 Thirsty Swagman
tour. The weak need not
apply.
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