How to Make Small Talk Naturally (.pdf).

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How to Make Small Talk Naturally
No jitters. No awkward silences. And no getting cornered by some clingy
chatterbox. Just follow these steps and learn to master the art of the
mingle.
By Marion Winik
Have you ever lingered in your car or lurked in the ladies'
room or stared intently at the crudités platter — anything
rather than (scary music here) talk to people you don't know
at a party? Sparkling repartee doesn't come easily to all of
us, and the fear of seeming fake or being labeled a bore
makes it even harder to click into banter mode. Or maybe
you hate the thought of getting stuck with some blowhard
whose conversational agenda boils down to "Hi! Are you as
interesting as I am? Nah, I didn't think so." But the thing is,
making chitchat lets us create connections of all kinds — it's
how we open doors that change our lives. And it's a way to
give and receive a little dose of human warmth. Read on for
the smart (and angst-free) way to get the words flowing.
STEP 1: Make the first move.
"Initiating the conversation gets your adrenaline pumping,
which helps erase your anxiety," explains Debra Fine, author
of The Fine Art of Small Talk. Choose a person who seems
approachable; someone standing by themselves is a good
bet, Fine says. Then just look her in the eye, smile, and say,
Make small talk at parties-- naturally! "Hi, I'm Kathy. What's your name?" (That very slight
emphasis on "your" will engage her.)
Claude Dagenais
As soon as she gives her name, repeat it: "Nice to meet you,
Jill." This helps lock her name into your memory — and, just
as important, it also creates a bond between you two. If you later find that you've forgotten what to
call her, fess up immediately, as in, "Gosh, I'm sorry, can you remind me of your name?" It won't be
nearly as tough as you think, and remember: The longer you pretend to know, the more
embarrassing it gets to admit you don't.
STEP 2: Start off with what you share.
Your simplest gambit is to inquire about the person's connection to the event. "Something as easy as
'How do you know Mike and Beth?' is a great conversation starter because it's an open-ended
question — it can't be answered with one word," notes Fine.
Or, try an observation followed by a question: "This restaurant sure does great birthday parties. Ever
been here before?" And since flattery usually does get you somewhere, you could give a compliment
followed by a question: "The baby carrier you gave Marla is cool. Where'd you find it?"
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STEP 3: Play detective.
Let's say you opened with "How are you doing with all this
rain?" To move from this surface chitchat to a deeper
dialogue, listen for any word in the other person's reply that
might suggest a conversational direction, advises Leil
Lowndes, author of Goodbye to Shy. A few examples:
HER: "Oh, I don't mind the rain. It's good for the plants."
YOU: "Are you a gardener?"
HER: "If I wanted this much rain, I'd live in Seattle!"
YOU: "Have you been to Seattle?"
HER: "I haven't been able to take the dog on a decent walk
in a week."
YOU: "I have a miniature dachshund named Beau. Tell me
about your dog."
STEP 4: Open up... within limits.
Don't keep firing out questions, says Susan RoAne, author of
Make small talk at parties-- naturally! How to Work a Room; people will feel like they're being
interrogated. Rather, reveal some information about yourself
Claude Dagenais
while respecting the comfort level of a new acquaintance.
"I'm fine — considering that my husband walked out on me
last week" is probably a little too much information. Ditto for
"No drink for me. I'm on antibiotics for a yeast infection." Health (yours or theirs), money, religion,
and politics are all bad bets.
On the other hand, just about anything you find curious or interesting probably will work to keep
things rolling. Fine was on her way to a large dinner when she heard a radio story about a survey that
asked people to choose between two superpowers: Would they rather fly or have the power to turn
invisible? "I brought it up during the first awkward silence at my table," she recalls, "and just as in
the study, men preferred flight, women invisibility. But the main thing was, all my tablemates started
chattering like magpies."
STEP 5: Listen out loud.
Visual cues that you're listening, such as eye contact and nodding, are not enough to communicate
enthusiasm. Use verbal cues ("Uh-huh, mmm-hmm," or "Oh, you're kidding! She didn't!") to let the
person know you're paying attention. The more positive feedback you give, the more others will enjoy
speaking to you. Put your heart into it, and you'll be amazed at how a little "small talk" can quickly
lead to a big connection.
Ever hesitate to begin a conversation because you fear you'll never be able to end it? Motivational
speaker Debra Fine suggests these graceful ways to get the heck out of Dodge:
Give Warning
"I want to hear about your cruise, but I also want to be sure to talk to Jenna before she
leaves."
If the conversation shows no sign of winding down, let the person know your time is running out.
Show Appreciation
"I'm so glad to have heard about your trip — you've inspired me to plan my next vacation.
Nice talking to you."
You'll feel less guilty about closing the conversation if you say something positive. And the chatterbox
will be more gracious about letting you go if you pave the way with some flattery.
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Make small talk at parties-- naturally!
Claude Dagenais
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Explain Your Next Move
"I need to go to the ladies' room/call my
babysitter/catch Jenna."
Just make sure you do what you say, warns Fine. Don't let
the person see you were just making an excuse!
Play Host
"Come with me — I'd like to introduce you to
Jenna/hit the bar/meet the guest of honor."
Whether your conversational partner agrees to join you or
not, this tactic makes her feel included — even as you're
giving her the slip.
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