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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>three</strong> part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in<br />
his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought<br />
Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his<br />
drive. This man has a wad so thick you could use it<br />
to beat whales to death. He calls his home "Xanadu",<br />
not in reference to the movie "Citizen Kane", but in<br />
tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky,<br />
Mick & Tich. But Dave has musical aspirations of his<br />
own. Only last year his first single, "Om", shot to<br />
number one when he personally purchased <strong>three</strong><br />
million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray in<br />
his house. Like many people who appear to have<br />
everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.<br />
Well actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. Now<br />
onto Dr Bob Porkmann, father of the condom that<br />
calls you back.<br />
RIMMER: Freeze. I've seen enough.<br />
HOLLY: What you gonna do?<br />
RIMMER: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him. It's my<br />
duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!<br />
LISTER'S MANSION.<br />
BUTLER: Mr Lister, sir. What an utter ... delight, it is to<br />
welcome you home.<br />
LISTER: Gilbert, my man. You're looking bad, baby!<br />
In the courtyard is a 50 foot high statue of Lister, in<br />
"toilet position", holding its penis, positioned so that it<br />
can pee into the courtyard fountain.<br />
GILBERT: I am most awfully sorry about the statue,<br />
sir. The contractors still haven't devised a way of<br />
making it urinate champagne into the courtyard,<br />
although I am assu<strong>red</strong> that it will be fully functional<br />
for the royal visit this week.<br />
LISTER: Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em!<br />
GILBERT: Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from<br />
the hilarity of the gag myself.<br />
MANSION'S DINING ROOM.<br />
SABRINA: Well, I told daddy today. About us, I mean.<br />
LISTER: And how did the old codger take it?<br />
SABRINA: Not terribly well, actually. He perched<br />
himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine<br />
and shouted, "Pull!"<br />
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