red dwarf season three

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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill RIMMER: Oh, what a pity. I just can't get it out of my head. It's just so catchy! "Om!" Keep writing those hits, kid. YOUNG LISTER: What a nice guy! PHOTO LAB. KRYTEN: What now? HOLLY: Well, it'll take a few seconds for the timelines to sort themselves out, and then we'll see if it's worked. LISTER: It's happening! I'm disappearing! RIMMER: What happened? HOLLY: Well, Lister altered the timelines and lived an entirely different life. Consequently he didn't join Red Dwarf. Consequently the Cat Race never existed and we never rescued Kryten, so they disappeared too. RIMMER: So it's just you and me? HOLLY: For the rest of eternity. RIMMER: No thanks. Find him, and bring him back. LATER. RIMMER: Anything? HOLLY: Got 'im. RIMMER: And? HOLLY: Tension sheet, Inventor: Dave Lister, aged 17. Died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98. His own fault, apparently. He was making love to his fourteenth wife and he lost control of the plane. RIMMER: Have you got any photographs? HOLLY: Not of that, no! RIMMER: No, I mean so that I can go in and bring him back. HOLLY: Well, there is one picture reference, but you're not going to like it. RIMMER: Put it on. A TITLE APPEARS ON THE MONITOR -- LIFESTYLES OF THE DISGUSTINGLY RICH AND FAMOUS BLAIZE: Hello, and welcome to Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous. Tonight we'll be looking at the world's youngest billionaire, Mr Dave "Tension Sheet" Lister. Behind me, Mr Lister's English mansion. He had the whole building transported brick by brick from half a mile down the road, just to get away from the neighbors. Now that's the page 44
ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive. This man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat whales to death. He calls his home "Xanadu", not in reference to the movie "Citizen Kane", but in tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich. But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. Only last year his first single, "Om", shot to number one when he personally purchased three million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house. Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. Now onto Dr Bob Porkmann, father of the condom that calls you back. RIMMER: Freeze. I've seen enough. HOLLY: What you gonna do? RIMMER: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him. It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard! LISTER'S MANSION. BUTLER: Mr Lister, sir. What an utter ... delight, it is to welcome you home. LISTER: Gilbert, my man. You're looking bad, baby! In the courtyard is a 50 foot high statue of Lister, in "toilet position", holding its penis, positioned so that it can pee into the courtyard fountain. GILBERT: I am most awfully sorry about the statue, sir. The contractors still haven't devised a way of making it urinate champagne into the courtyard, although I am assured that it will be fully functional for the royal visit this week. LISTER: Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em! GILBERT: Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself. MANSION'S DINING ROOM. SABRINA: Well, I told daddy today. About us, I mean. LISTER: And how did the old codger take it? SABRINA: Not terribly well, actually. He perched himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine and shouted, "Pull!" page 45
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red dwarf season three

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