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Helping Your<br />
Children Overcome<br />
ANGER<br />
Phillip G. Kayser
Phillip G. Kayser<br />
Helping Your Children Overcome Anger<br />
Copyright © 2009, 2006, 2003 Phillip G. Kayser<br />
All Rights Reserved.<br />
Published By <strong>Biblical</strong> <strong>Blueprints</strong><br />
13110 Birch Dr • STE 148 #370 • Omaha, NE 68164-4160<br />
(402) 934-4619 • www.biblicalblueprints.org<br />
Unless o<strong>the</strong>rwise noted, Scripture quotations are from <strong>the</strong> Holy Bible,<br />
New King James Version. Published by Thomas Nelson. © 1994, 1982,<br />
1980, 1979 Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by Permission.
Helping Your Children Overcome Anger<br />
<strong>Biblical</strong> <strong>Blueprints</strong><br />
Omaha, NE<br />
Phillip G. Kayser
He who is slow <strong>to</strong> anger is better than <strong>the</strong> mighty,<br />
And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.<br />
Proverb 16:32<br />
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit<br />
is like a city broken down, without walls.<br />
Proverb 25:28
Contents:<br />
Anger Can be Controlled .............................................................1<br />
Practical Advice For Conquering Anger...................................1<br />
Possible Root Causes of Anger .............................................4<br />
Possible Related Problems.....................................................4<br />
Destroying <strong>the</strong> Root Causes that Feed Anger...........................5<br />
Demonic influence .................................................................5<br />
Bitterness ................................................................................5<br />
Pride ........................................................................................5<br />
Guilt.........................................................................................6<br />
Hatred......................................................................................6<br />
Rebellion.................................................................................6<br />
Unyielded Rights....................................................................7<br />
Self-Centeredness...................................................................7
Anger Can be Controlled<br />
Anger Can be Controlled • 1<br />
1. A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it<br />
back (Prov. 29:11).<br />
2. Since God commands us <strong>to</strong> put away anger (Psa. 37:8; Eph.<br />
4:31; Col. 3:8), <strong>the</strong>re is hope. Christ died <strong>to</strong> enable us <strong>to</strong><br />
conquer <strong>the</strong>se sins and He promises sufficient grace and a<br />
way out (1Cor. 10:13; Heb. 2:17-18; 4:15-16).<br />
3. Think of times in your own life when you have controlled<br />
your anger.<br />
Practical Advice For Conquering Anger<br />
• Don't cover <strong>for</strong> him or excuse him or get him out of his<br />
mess. Proverbs 19:19 "A man of great wrath will suffer<br />
punishment; For if you rescue him, you will have <strong>to</strong> do it<br />
again." He won't outgrow this. He will just get worse.<br />
• Pull your children away from angry people. Isolate <strong>the</strong><br />
angry child and discipline. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Make<br />
no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man<br />
do not go."<br />
• Try <strong>to</strong> recognize <strong>the</strong> motivations <strong>for</strong> <strong>the</strong> anger (see<br />
accompanying chart <strong>for</strong> ideas). Your homework<br />
exercises should be attempts at destroying <strong>the</strong> sinful<br />
motivations. See appropriate exercises <strong>for</strong> each<br />
motivation.<br />
• Start <strong>the</strong> child on a Scripture memory and meditation<br />
program. Some great Scriptures <strong>to</strong> memorize and use <strong>to</strong><br />
resist Satan with are: Prov. 16:32; Matt. 11:29; Psa.<br />
141:3; John 13:35; Matt 5:43-48; 1Cor. 13:4-5; Gal. 5:22;<br />
Prov. 17:27; 19:11; 14:17; Heb. 10:30<br />
• Engage in spiritual warfare. Meditate on Scriptural<br />
music (1Sam. 16,18), Scripture itself (what Christ used).<br />
Apply <strong>the</strong> blood of Christ <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> child. Pray over him.
2 • Helping Your Children Overcome Anger<br />
Take <strong>the</strong> <strong>Biblical</strong> authority in Christ that you have <strong>to</strong><br />
resist Satan's hold on <strong>the</strong> child. Ask <strong>for</strong> angelic warriors<br />
<strong>to</strong> protect <strong>the</strong> family.<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> thank God <strong>for</strong> <strong>the</strong> situation that makes<br />
him angry (Eph. 5:20; 1Thes. 5:18).<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> analyze why he is angry. (It usually<br />
indicates that a goal of <strong>the</strong> child's is being obstructed. He<br />
needs <strong>to</strong> determine if it is a good or a bad goal. If it is a<br />
righteous goal, <strong>the</strong> anger should be used <strong>to</strong> destroy <strong>the</strong><br />
problem, not <strong>the</strong> person.)<br />
• If <strong>the</strong>re is a righteous goal that <strong>the</strong> child has a right <strong>to</strong><br />
pursue, teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> take corrective action ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
than blowing up. The action may be <strong>to</strong> withdraw, <strong>to</strong> ask<br />
a parent <strong>to</strong> intervene, <strong>to</strong> gently rebuke <strong>the</strong> one offending<br />
him, <strong>to</strong> conquer <strong>the</strong> evil with kindness, etc.<br />
• If <strong>the</strong> goal is not righteous, teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> put off <strong>the</strong><br />
underlying sinful attitudes that have led <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> anger (see<br />
chart later on).<br />
• Also, teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> ask God <strong>for</strong> <strong>for</strong>giveness, not just<br />
<strong>the</strong> person he was angry at.<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> not rejoice when calamity hits <strong>the</strong> one<br />
who <strong>to</strong>rments him (Prov. 24:17-18), but ra<strong>the</strong>r <strong>to</strong> pray <strong>for</strong><br />
that person's repentance and <strong>to</strong> seek <strong>to</strong> win that person<br />
through kindness (Rom. 12:9-21).<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> seek <strong>to</strong> res<strong>to</strong>re communication whe<strong>the</strong>r<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are <strong>the</strong> one at fault (Matt. 5:21-26) or whe<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong><br />
o<strong>the</strong>r person is <strong>the</strong> one at fault (Matt. 18:15-20).<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> try <strong>to</strong> resolve conflicts be<strong>for</strong>e bedtime<br />
(Eph. 4:26-27). O<strong>the</strong>rwise Satan may gain an advantage<br />
through <strong>the</strong> anger (v. 27).<br />
• Show <strong>the</strong> child some of <strong>the</strong> disastrous results of anger<br />
• Cain's anger led <strong>to</strong> murder (Gen. 4:5; see also Moses<br />
- Ex. 2:11-12; Acts 7:24-25; Simeon and Levi - Gen.<br />
34:5-27; 49:5-7).<br />
• Esau's anger made him want <strong>to</strong> murder Jacob (Gen.<br />
27:45; see also David 1Sam. 25:13,21-22).
Practical Advice For Conquering Anger • 3<br />
• Anger kept Moses out of <strong>the</strong> promised land (Numb.<br />
20:10).<br />
• Anger made Balaam abuse his animal (Numb. 22:29).<br />
• Anger over what he thought was a silly command<br />
almost kept Namaan from getting healed (2Kings<br />
5:11).<br />
• Anger made Jonah and later Martha rebuke <strong>the</strong> Lord<br />
(Jonah 4:1-11; Luke 10:38-42).<br />
• Anger gives Satan an advantage over us (Eph. 4:27).<br />
and loss of spiritual protection (Prov. 25:28).<br />
• Anger produces strife (Prov. 15:18; 30:33).<br />
• An angry man abounds in sins (Prov. 29:22).<br />
• Anger causes harm (Psa. 37:8).<br />
• Anger exalts folly (Prov. 14:29).<br />
• Anger unchecked teaches o<strong>the</strong>rs <strong>to</strong> be angry (Prov.<br />
22:24).<br />
• Anger can lead <strong>to</strong> violence against friends (1Sam.<br />
16:14-23; 18:10-11) and even relatives (1Sam.<br />
20:33).<br />
• Teach <strong>the</strong> child <strong>to</strong> distinguish between righteous and<br />
unrighteous anger and what <strong>the</strong> proper motives, goals and<br />
standards <strong>for</strong> such anger are:<br />
A. It is sinful if it grows out of pride, hurt feelings, etc.<br />
B. It is sinful if expressed in ei<strong>the</strong>r of <strong>the</strong> following ways:<br />
1. Blowing up (ventilation)<br />
a. Prov. 29:11; 25:28; 19:11; 29:20-22; 14:17,19;<br />
Eph. 4:31.<br />
b. Energy is wasted in ventilation and used <strong>to</strong> tear<br />
up o<strong>the</strong>rs, ra<strong>the</strong>r than <strong>the</strong> problem itself.<br />
c. Anger against a person is murder in <strong>the</strong> heart<br />
(Matt. 5:21-26) which can lead <strong>to</strong> actual murder<br />
(Gen. 4:5-7)<br />
2. Clamming up (internalization)<br />
a. Lev. 19:17,18; Eph. 4:26-27; Matt. 18:15-17;<br />
Prov. 24:17-18.
4 • Helping Your Children Overcome Anger<br />
b. Energy is wasted and used <strong>to</strong> tear up self.<br />
c. Even unexpressed anger can be murder (Matt.<br />
5:22)<br />
C. Anger is righteous and beneficial if:<br />
1. It avoids blowing up at ano<strong>the</strong>r person or clamming<br />
up.<br />
2. It is released under control and aimed at tearing<br />
(destroying) <strong>the</strong> problem while building up <strong>the</strong><br />
person (Eph. 4:29).<br />
3. It has <strong>the</strong> right motive, goal and standard.<br />
a. Example of a wrong motive (Gen. 4:6).<br />
b. Example of a wrong goal (Jonah 4:9).<br />
c. Examples of a wrong standards regulating anger:<br />
(1). Levi and Simeon had an anger that was out<br />
of proportion <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> problem (Gen. 34).<br />
(2). Saying things that you later regret (Prov.<br />
10:19; 17:27).<br />
(3). Failing <strong>to</strong> be slow <strong>to</strong> anger: i.e. failing <strong>to</strong><br />
give yourself time <strong>to</strong> evaluate <strong>the</strong> motive,<br />
goal and standard. (Prov. 14:17; Eccl. 7:9;<br />
cf. Prov. 16:32; James 1:19).<br />
(4). See Anger homework <strong>for</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r standards<br />
that Scripture gives <strong>to</strong> govern anger.<br />
Possible Root Causes of Anger<br />
(See charts that follow)<br />
Possible Related Problems<br />
Demonic influence,<br />
Bitterness, Guilt, Hatred,<br />
Pride, Rebellion,<br />
Unyielded Rights, Selfcenteredness<br />
Selfishness, Lack of<br />
security in Christ, Self-<br />
Justification, Broken<br />
relationships
Destroying <strong>the</strong> Root Causes that Feed Anger • 5<br />
Destroying <strong>the</strong> Root Causes that Feed Anger<br />
Demonic influence<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
James 3:6,13-<br />
18<br />
Bitterness<br />
James 3:13-16<br />
1Sam 15:23<br />
James 3:17-18 1Sam.16:14-23<br />
1Sam.18:10-11<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Deut. 29:18 Deut. 29:18 Deut. 29:18 Deut. 29:18<br />
Acts 8:22,23 Acts 8:22 Matt. 5:24 Acts 8:9-14<br />
Heb. 12:15 Heb. 12:15 Heb. 12:14,15 Heb. 12:16,17;<br />
Gen. 27:39-41<br />
James 3:14,15 James 3:14,15 James<br />
3:13,17,18<br />
Col. 3:19 Col. 3:19<br />
Eph. 4:31 Eph. 4:32 Eph. 4:32<br />
Pride<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Psalm 101:5;<br />
119:21; 138:6<br />
Prov. 6:16-19;<br />
8:13; 11:2;<br />
15:25; 16:5,18;<br />
26:12; 29:23<br />
Isa. 2:12;<br />
14:12-15<br />
Jer. 50:31<br />
Dan. 8:24,25<br />
Mark 7:21-23<br />
Luke 1:51,52;<br />
14:11<br />
James 4:6<br />
1John 2:16,17<br />
Psalm 75:5<br />
Prov. 6:17;<br />
11:2; 13:10;<br />
16:18; 28:25;<br />
29:23<br />
Jer. 49:16<br />
Dan. 5:20<br />
Rom. 12:3,16<br />
Phil. 2:3<br />
James 4:10<br />
1Peter 5:6<br />
Deut. 8:L11-14<br />
Prov 8:13;<br />
11:2; 16:19;<br />
18:12; 27:2;<br />
29:23<br />
Luke 14:11<br />
1Cor. 8:1<br />
Eph 4:1-3<br />
Phil. 2:3-11<br />
Col. 3:12<br />
1John 2:16,17<br />
2Chron. 26:16;<br />
32:25<br />
2Kings 20:13<br />
Isa. 14:12-15<br />
Ezek. 16:49;<br />
28:17<br />
Luke 18:11-14<br />
1Tim. 3:6
6 • Helping Your Children Overcome Anger<br />
Guilt<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Ex. 34:7<br />
Numb. 14:18<br />
Deut. 21:9;<br />
28:15-68<br />
1Kings<br />
2:9,3,7,14<br />
Prov. 28:13<br />
Rom. 6:23<br />
James 2:10<br />
Hatred<br />
Lev. 6:2-5<br />
Deut. 21:9<br />
Psalm 51<br />
Prov. 28:13<br />
James 5:16<br />
1John 1:9<br />
Psa. 51:14,15,<br />
17,19;<br />
119:2,3,9<br />
Prov. 23:17<br />
James 5:16<br />
Acts 5:29<br />
Rom.<br />
6:4,11,13; 12:1<br />
1John 1:9<br />
Gen. 3:6-13;<br />
42:21<br />
1Sam. 24:5<br />
Psalm 32<br />
John 8:9<br />
Acts 5:1-11<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Gen 49:5-7<br />
Prov. 8:36;<br />
14:17,30;<br />
19:19; 29:22<br />
Matt. 5:22<br />
Rom 1:29-32<br />
Gal. 5:21,21<br />
1John 2:9,11;<br />
3:15<br />
Rebellion<br />
Lev. 19:17<br />
Psa. 37:8<br />
Eph. 4:31<br />
Col. 3:8<br />
Psa. 37:7,11<br />
Prov. 16:7;<br />
25:21,22<br />
Matt. 5:44<br />
Luke 6:27,28<br />
Rom. 12:20,21<br />
1Cor. 13<br />
Eph. 4:32<br />
Col. 3:12-14<br />
Gen. 4:1-8;<br />
27:41; 37:4<br />
1Sam. 18:29<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Deut. 21:18-21<br />
Josh 22:18-20<br />
1Sam. 15:23<br />
Prov. 10:11<br />
Isa. 1:20; 30:1<br />
Ezek.<br />
20:8,13,20<br />
Psa. 66:7 1Sam.<br />
15:22,23<br />
Psa. 1:2<br />
Gen. 4:3,4<br />
Deut. 9:23<br />
1Sam. 15<br />
2Sam. 15:1-2<br />
Isa. 1:1-9;<br />
14:12-17;<br />
63:10<br />
Dan. 9:4-7
Unyielded Rights<br />
Destroying <strong>the</strong> Root Causes that Feed Anger • 7<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Luke 14:26 1Cor. 7:27 1Cor.<br />
7:8,20,24<br />
1Cor. 9:5<br />
Matt 10:37 Matt 6:22 Matt 8:22 Matt 4:22<br />
Luke 18:24,25 Psalm 62:10 Prov. 3:9 Luke 18<br />
Prov 23:2 Luke 12:22 1Cor. 10:31 Dan. 1<br />
1Thess. 4:3-8 1Thess. 4:3 Gal. 5:16 Gen. 39<br />
2Tim. 2:22 Col. 3:5<br />
Rom. 13:14 2Tim. 2:22<br />
Rom. 13:14<br />
Prov. 23:21 Prov 6:4<br />
Prov 20:13<br />
Prov 20:13 Prov 6:6-12<br />
1Cor 6:19<br />
Mark 14:36<br />
1Cor. 6:24<br />
Rom. 6:12 Rom 6:13<br />
Matt 6:14,15; 1Cor. 5:15;<br />
1Sam. 24:11<br />
23:11,12 9:27<br />
Job 1:21<br />
Rom. 12:19<br />
Matt. 18:21-35<br />
1Tim. 6:8<br />
John 13:5<br />
Self-Centeredness<br />
God's View Put Off Put On Illustration<br />
Psa. 36:2<br />
Prov. 14:12,16<br />
Prov. 21:17;<br />
26:12<br />
Isa. 5:21<br />
Jer 17:5<br />
Gal. 6:3,7<br />
Phil. 2:3-5<br />
Rev. 3:17<br />
Isa. 30:15<br />
Matt 7:5<br />
Matt 16:24<br />
1Cor. 10:24;<br />
13:5<br />
Phil. 2:3<br />
John 12:25<br />
Rom. 13:14<br />
1Cor. 10:33<br />
Gal. 6:2,14<br />
Eph. 4:28<br />
Phil. 2:4<br />
1Pet 4:2<br />
2Pet 1:5<br />
1Sam. 18:4<br />
1Kings 19<br />
Luke 9:57-62<br />
Luke 12; 16-21<br />
Luke 18:11
"Anger and bitterness are two noticeable signs of being<br />
focused on self and not trusting God's sovereignty in<br />
your life. When you believe that God causes all things<br />
<strong>to</strong> work <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r <strong>for</strong> good <strong>to</strong> those who belong <strong>to</strong> Him<br />
and love Him, you can respond <strong>to</strong> trials with joy instead<br />
of anger or bitterness (based on John 14:15; Rom. 5:3-5;<br />
8:28-29; Eph. 4:31; James 1:2-4; 1Pet. 1:13-16; 1John<br />
5:3)."<br />
John C. Broger, Self-Confrontation, 11.1.
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Visit www.biblicalblueprints.org <strong>for</strong> additional titles
Helping Your Children<br />
Overcome Anger<br />
Phillip G. Kayser<br />
O<br />
ne of <strong>the</strong> most common<br />
reactions <strong>to</strong> this fallen world is<br />
anger; whe<strong>the</strong>r we call it<br />
"frustration", "impatience", or "being<br />
stressed out" <strong>the</strong> emotion is <strong>the</strong> same<br />
and rarely is it admirable. The Bible<br />
offers timely advice <strong>for</strong> overcoming this besetting sin <strong>to</strong> lead a<br />
life of joy, peace, and contentment.<br />
Phillip Kayser is <strong>the</strong> Senior Pas<strong>to</strong>r of Dominion Covenant Church in<br />
Omaha, NE. He holds a M.Div. from Westminster Theological<br />
Seminary (Cali<strong>for</strong>nia) and a Ph.D. from Whitefield Theological<br />
Seminary (Florida). He and his wife Kathy have 5 children.<br />
<strong>Biblical</strong> <strong>Blueprints</strong><br />
Living By God’s Design<br />
Omaha, NE<br />
www.biblicalblueprints.org