OF WEIRD SEX TIPS This sex position is guaranteed to ... - Phroth

PHROTH MAGAZINE 30
10
LIES
He’ll Never
See Coming
Tantalizing
tricks to
spice up
your tax
returns
1000
ways to make your
man scream “For the
love of god stop”
Our chat with Phrothie:
why he WON’T take off
the hat
Is your boyfriend dead?
Take our quiz to find out
PAGES
OF
WEIRD
SEX
TIPS
SEX!
Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex
Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex.
This sex
position is
guaranteed to
make you vomit
uncontrollably.
Try it out!
Plus, answers to all of your sex questions like, “How
much teeth is too much teeth” Pg. 35”

MUG &
JESTER
I
beg to call your
attention to the
fact that…
This is the first actual editorial I’ve written for Phroth. Sure, I was supposed
to do one in each of the past two Phollegians, but there was
simply no time and even less interest on my part.
Did I mention we put out TWO Phollegians? That’s right, you heard
me. I bet you didn’t even realize there’s anything special about that
but that’s because you are an asshole. For the first time since ever,
we have managed to increase the Phroth output while simultaneously
increasing the disorder within the club.
That’s thermodynamics, kids and what it all
means is that this year there is more funny
for more people to the tune of one entire
Phollegian more than you got last year!
You may have noticed our brand new paper
racks sitting in Willard, Osmond, the Corner
Room and the HUB—you may have even
picked this up from there—but did you know
we also have a website at www.phroth.com
where even more exclusive content is published
weekly? We also have a twitter @Phroth,
and a Facebook page where you can keep up
to date on the latest publications we have to
offer. And yes, we do pay attention
to those.
So thanks for reading, and
while we can’t guarantee anything
herein will be funny, we
can at least give our absolute
word it will be in English.
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.
~Lord Blaise Thomas
O
PHR TH
EDITORIAL STAFF
Editor-in-Chief Blaise Thomas
Managing Editor Sean Becker
Production Editor Alex torok
Head Writer Patrick Feehan
Lead Designer Andrew Moore
Phollegian Editor Peter Hohman
Secretary Megan Barr
Treasurer Nicole Foley
Blog Editor Andrew Moore
WRITING STAFF
Jonathan De La Cruz, Brad Foster, Peter Hohman
Spencer Frank, Mark Steiner, Ben Pollock,
Danny Magerman, Samantha Rosas, Michael Boulter,
Erik Schneider, Nicole Miller, Jeffrey Duclos, Nick
Miller, Owen Hitchcock, Andrew Oreskovich, Zach
Weber
PRODUCTION STAFF
Lauren Murphy
ADVERTISING STAFF
Nonexistent
SPECIAL THANKS TO
Pamela Monk (our faculty advisor)
Nittany Valley Offset
and
the one person who will actually read this. Yes, you. The
person holding this in your hands. We thank you.
221A HUB
University Park, PA 16802
email phroth@gmail.com
web http://www.phroth.com
ABOUT US
Phroth is an officially recognized student organization at The
Pennsylvania State University, and is open for any student to join.
DISCLAIMER
The content and opinions of this publication reside solely
with the authors and not with The Pennsylvania State University
or the University Park Allocation Committee.
It is well-known that all persons, places and things mentioned
in Phroth are purely fictitious, and that any resemblance to
persons or places, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and
utterly beyond the control of the Phroth staff and writers.
If you think that your name is in this magazine, or on the Web
site, then you are purely fictitious.
If you’re a public figure or commonly-known individual,
then we would like you to know that due to the wonderful (and
Constitutionally-protected) literary devices of hyperbole and
satire, we can make fun of you.
12
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26
TABLE OF CONTENTS
IT’S ALWAYS SUNNI IN ABU
DHABI
The Middle East’s hot new show covered by a
Phroth staff writer.
EXCERPTS FROM LESSER
KNOWN EROTIC NOVELS
With the popularity of 50 shades of gray, many
people are trying to cash in on the growing
erotic novel market.
OTHER VACATED PENN
STATE ACHIEVEMENTS
A four year bowl ban wasn’t the only sanction
put on Penn State, many other lesser-known
achievements were taken away by the NCAA.
PHOLLEGIAN
DOG ACTOR DEATHS
MOTHER KNOWS BEST
A PENN STATE WEDDING
PENN STATE’S CASTE SYSTEM
10 WAYS TO RELIEVE STRESS
PHUN AND GAMES
05
09
10
18
22
20
28
BIZARO PENN STATE
Penn State has been sucked through a
wormhole and is now in Bizzaro World.
WHO WORE IT BETTER? 30
CRITICS RAVE!

N O W I N T E C H N I C O L O R
Phollegian
The Phroth
Published satirically by students at Penn State
phroth.com
@phroth
Vol. 122 No. 132 Friday, December 9, 2012 free of charge everywhere
Students sell THONgs for THON
By ANDrew Moore
lead designer
@shaqshrek
Two students unveiled a
new piece of the THON
uniform this past Monday
with the introduction of
the THONg to the Penn
State community.
Identical in design to a
normal thong, the THONg
comes in a variety of neon
colors and features a large,
boldfaced ‘FTK’ on the
back.
The garment was
conceived after Peter
Michaels (junior -
business) and Will
Nicholson (senior -
business) walked past a
sorority one Friday night.
“We couldn’t help but
notice that all da ladiez
[sic] love their thongs,”
Nicholson explained.
“Paired up with the fact
that girls also love to buy
THON merchandise, we
realized that we could
make mad duckets for
child cancer.”
The two set up a table in
the HUB at the start of last
By jeFFrey Duclos
staff writer
Attendees of the Carrie
Underwood Concert were
graced with an opening
performance by a massive,
earth-shattering explosion.
The explosion started at the
base of the stage and made
its way around the entire
BJC, killing 459 people
and injuring thousands of
a student shows off her thong
week to sell their THONgs
for $15 a pair, but their
massive popularity pushed
them to raise the price to
$35.
As of press time,
Nicolson and Michaels
made over $100,000 for
THON.
“It looks like being a
business major finally
paid off!” Michaels
told reporters. “You’re
supposed to raise prices
if demand is high, right?
I haven’t actually been to
my classes so I have no
idea. Either way, these
girls keep on buying.”
The public reaction to the
others.
“This was by far the best
performance I’ve seen
here.” remarked Jason
Markel (junior - marketing)
from his hospital bed in
the ICU. “I just went to
that concert because my
girlfriend likes Carrie
Underwood, but when
that explosion happened,
my brain was completely
blown. Seriously, here’s a
THONg, as expected from
the excellent sales, has
been generally positive
from both men and women
alike.
“My boyfriend has never
been happier that I’m
supporting a charity!”
tweeted student Caitlin
Stark (sophmore – supply
chain management).
“This is the best thing that
could have ever happened
to THON,” reported R&B
singer Sisqó.
Students can purchase
THONgs to support
children with cancer in the
HUB for the discounted
price of $85.
piece of it right here.”
“I was impressed with
how the explosion managed
to involve everyone in its
performance.” said Emma
Larsen (senior - music
theory). “And I especially
liked how it blew the roof
off the joint by blowing the
actual roof off. Three of my
friends were killed by one
of the falling members, but
I think they’d say it was
Stalker saves woman
from falling tree
By peter hohMAN
Phollegian editor
Local waitress Kimberly
Vasquez narrowly avoided
being crushed to death
by a toppling tree trunk
yesterday when she was
pushed out of the tree’s
path by a man who has
been stalking her for
three months. Vasqez’s
stalker, Jesus Sanchez,
was trailing her when he
heard a creaking sound.
He managed to tackle her
and push her to safety a
split second before the
sequoia fell.
“It was absolutely
incredible,” said bystander
Carl Cooper about the
dramatic rescue. “That
poor woman would have
certainly been killed if not
for the brave, extremely
creepy man who came out
of nowhere to save her.”
“I feel very fortunate that
I had a guardian angel,”
said Vasquez. “Except
Explosion rocks Bryce Jordan Center
worth it.”
Despite the massive
structural damage and a
majority of the audience
being rushed to the
hospital, Carrie Underwood
still went on with the show,
even with a piece of steel
sticking through her right
leg.
“I can’t believe I was
upstaged by a fucking
explosion!” screamed Ms.
instead of a guardian
angel, he’s just a greasy
Mexican who had the pair
of panties that I lost last
week stuffed into the top
pouch of his backpack.
Still, without him, I would
have been killed. I’m
so grateful. I asked him
how I could ever repay
him, and he said that just
getting to see me eat one
more meal at the Golden
Wok while he was hidden
in the ceiling tiles was
payment enough.”
State College police
currently have Mr.
Sanchez in custody after
he openly admitted to
stalking Ms. Vasquez.
Nevertheless, the mayor
of State College plans to
award him the Key to the
City for his valiant rescue
in a special ceremony held
at Centre County Jail next
Monday. Unfortunately
for Mr. Sanchez, the
ceremonial key will not
unlock his prison cell.
Underwod after the concert.
“I won American Idol,
recieved dozens of awards,
and I get beat out by an
explosion?! That’s not how
it’s supposed to work.”
This is the first time an
explosion has performed
live on stage. However, it
is expected to go out on
its own next year with its
“2013: Rockin’ the Post-
Apocolypse” Tour.

Point/Counterpoint: Is Winter Journal Paul Auster’s best work?
By Peter Hohman (Soph. – astrophysics)
Paul Auster’s Winter Journal is his most thoughtful and thought-provoking
work to date. The memoir is Auster’s meditation on age, family, and the ups
and down of life. In this nonfictional volume, the author finally manages to
reconcile the inventive themes displayed in his early fiction with the humanism
that saturates his later work. His classic New York Trilogy (City of Glass,
Ghosts, and The Locked Room) featured thought-provoking ideas about the
power of coincidence, the mutability of identity, and the nature of writing itself
but could be overly cold and calculating. Later works such as The Brooklyn
Follies and The Book of Illusions were warmer and more humanistic, but mainly
rehashed ideas that the author had already explored decades previously.
With his fifth nonfiction book, Auster finally manages to present new ideas in
a fresh manner but avoid the empty formalism that can sometimes come with
such innovation. As always, Auster’s masterful prose and his intellectually fascinating theses create
a piece of enjoyable and thought-provoking writing; with the personal subject matter and underlying
humanism of Winter Journal, however, Auster finally manages to create a bona-fide masterpiece.
By Patrick Feehan (Senior – English)
Huh? Auster? Alright, gimme a sec… Paul Auster’s Winter Journal was pretty
good. I liked it, plus it was only like 250 pages, which is always a good
thing. It kind of stunk that I had to buy it in hardcover but hopefully I can
get a couple bucks for it at the Student Book Store. However Winter Journal
is not Auster’s best or most thought-provoking book. Amazon customer
reviews rank Moon Palace way higher and those are pretty reliable. Okay,
in the interest of full disclosure I should admit that I didn’t read the book.
I got through like twenty pages but then I remembered that Season 4 of
‘Breaking Bad’ is on Netflix and I watched that instead. I figured I could just
bullshit this like I do with everything else… I am an English major after all.
8
WHERE ARE THEY NOW: ANIMAL ACTORS
BY PeTER HOHMAN
Design by Jeff Duclos
For readers of a certain age, our childhood was the golden age of movies about pets
doing ridiculous things. Phroth decided to check in on the stars of these beloved films to
see what they are up to these days.
Actor: Buddy
Best known for: Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Receiver
Where is he now: Dead. Buddy died in 1998 of lung
cancer. He was 84 in dog years.
Actor: Soccer
Best Known for: Wishbone
Where is he now: Dead. Is anybody else thinking
that this sounding like Watchmen but with pets
instead of retired superheroes? Dog from Modern
Family, for the love of God, watch your back!
Actor: Bonzo
Best known for: Bedtime for Bonzo
Where is he now: De… wait, he’s alive? Holy
crap! But let’s see – he had some unspecified brain
surgery in 2004… isn’t that when Ronald Reagan
died? Hold on guys – it seems like Ronald Reagan
had his brain transferred into the chimpanzee he
co-starred with back in 1954 so he could live longer.
But the rest of the animal acting community got
wind of the plot, so Reagan’s been killing them oneby-one
and trying to make the killings look like
natural causes. Our only hope is J. Fred Muggs,
guys! I’m getting really scared, I’m going to try to
contact Muggs. I feel like I’m onto something that I
shouldn’t be getting invol
Actor: Keiko
Best known for: Free Willy
Where is he now: Dead. Keiko died of pneumonia
in 2003. Ironically, after Free Willy, he was caged
and held in captivity until his death.
Actor: Crystal
Best known for: The Hangover Part II, Night at the
Museum
Where is she now: Dead. Authorities say it was
an accidental cocaine overdose, but I’m really
getting concerned now that there’s some kind of
conspiracy going on here…
[Editor’s note: writer Peter Hohman disappeared under mysterious circumstances last month. The preceding article
was found as an open document on his laptop. We present it here as a tribute to the late Mr. Hohman, leaving it
unfinished so we can provide a valuable bit of insight into his writing process.]
9

10
Mother Knows Best!
Soccer Mom
Known for driving a minivan and slicing up oranges, the Soccer
Mom is a loving, caring, and supportive woman. Even though your
macaroni art isn’t that impressive and the trophy on your living
room mantle is just a participation award, Soccer Mom will still
think you’re the best at everything ever.
“Just try best. Even if you lose, I won’t love you less.”
Teen Mom
The Teen Mom may be a sign of the decline of American society,
but she still loves the hell out of her children. The only thing she
loves more is the trailer trash scream fights with her baby daddy.
The Teen Mom is also notorious for giving their children terrible
names like Jace. Seriously, fuck that kid.
“If your father or Child Protective Services come to the door,
beat ‘em with the stick.”
Pageant Mom
Pageant Mom makes other moms squirm with her forcefulness
and over-dedication to something her kids didn't want to do in
the first place. She is attempting to live through her children,
who most likely despise her. Pageant Mom probably weighs three
hundred pounds and goes by the name "Mama."
“Winners get to drive in the car with Mommy. Are you a
winner?”
Did you ever think your mom was dumb or lame? Then maybe you should be
more thankful that none of these women were your moms!
Your Mom
By all accounts, Your Mom is a total slut. This woman has
been with everybody and done everything, including some very
depraved things that are not fit to print. Suffice it to say, Your Mom
is kind of a tramp and deserves to be ridiculed from all your male
friends, even the ones who have never seen her before.
“We were just wrestling, go back to playing Nintendo.”
Old Mom
Old Mom is surprised; she never thought she’d be having a kid
at her age! She’s very lenient, and you can stay out late, drink in the
basement, or drive her old Buick whenever you want to. Just be on
the lookout for senility, because that shit sucks.
“Have a hard candy.”
Mother Nature
All that is natural and coursing with life is a child of Mother
Nature. She is wise and giving, but often wrathful and vengeful.
Mother Earth is slowly dying so visit her at the nursing home.
“Reduce, reuse, recycle!”
11

How to see the Phroth magic eye: Hold the poster up to your nose while focusing your vision behind it, slowly bring the poster away from your face and continue to look behind the poster. The 3d image will slowly come into focus. The
longer you look at the 3D image the better you will be able to see it. Keep trying if you don’t get it at first.

Exerpts From Lesser Known Erotic Novels By
My RA and Me
By Erik Schneider
I peeked out the door and saw the
beautiful figure walking towards my room,
smelling the vents one-by-one, her voluptuous
frame clearly yearning for some excitement,
hoping for an intoxicating scent
of alcohol, marijuana, or anything else
Head Ogre Heels
By Andrew Moore
“You’ve, uh, gotten so much better at
basketball since the last time we played.
What’s your secret, Shrek?” queried the
out-of-breath Shaquille O’Neal as he sat
down on a lumpy couch in the ogre’s dimly
lit living room.
The ogre chuckled as he searched
through his wine cabinet. “Donkey and I
have been practicing a bit, recently. But it’s
so easy to beat him since he’s got no arms.”
Shrek poured a drink for himself and his
partner and handed a glass to Shaquille,
sitting down beside him.
“You have the big championship
game coming up soon, right? Maybe I
could show you a thing or two about free
throws?” Shrek mused, a grin spread wide
across his face.
Shaquille looked down into his drink
and shook it around a bit, slightly blushing.
“Oh, uh, that would be great.”
The ogre edged closer to the basketball
player, placing his massive green hand
on Shaquille’s leg in the process. He
16
she could get you in trouble for. I lit the
incense, (but it was just a Glade plug-in,
not a candle) and gently closed the door,
making sure to waft the smell of roses
towards the vent. I waited, barely able
to contain myself. I heard her take a deep
breath and saw the door begin to open very
slowly towards me.”
The RA on duty, Sarah, said, “Is that a
candle I smell?”
could notice a protrusion rising inside the
basketballer’s shorts and inched his hand
towards it.
“No Shrek, don’t do that,” Shaquille
shook off Shrek’s hand and jumped off the
couch, throwing his drink to the floor. “You
know that we can’t be together. We’ve tried
this before and it just didn’t work. And
what about Fiona?”
Shrek grimaced at the utterance of his
wife’s name. He tried to gather his thoughts
and think of the right words to say. “When
I married Fiona, I thought I had found
true love. But then I met you and everything
changed.” He got up and grabbed
Shaquille’s hands. “I love you, Shaq.”
“I love you too, Shrek.” A tear rolled
down his face as the two locked lips.
The fire crackled as the ogre and human
toppled onto the couch, their bodies smashing
against each other. Shrek, mounted on
top of Shaq, began to tear off his clothes
piece by piece.
“And besides,” Shrek panted in the heat
of the kiss. “I think she’s having an affair
with Kobe Bryant.”
Shaquille let out a roar of fury and thrust
I smirked. She winked, and quietly
closing the door she walked towards me.
Taking off her name tag and throwing it
across the room, she revealed her pale,
bare uniform, glistening in the moonlight.
Looking me in the eyes, she reached down
her skirt. Moaning, she pulled out a huge
notepad and whispered, “I am going to
write you up all night long.”
himself on top of the ogre, ripping off his
Lakers jersey in the process. “Damn that
Kobe, I knew he was bad news! But, uh, I
can’t believe Fiona would do that to somebody
as perfect and beautiful as you.”
Shrek looked into Shaquille’s eyes
and smiled. “Show me some Shaq Fu.”
He grabbed the basketballer’s shorts and
ripped them from his body. The two sat
there, admiring each other’s now-naked
bodies.
Shrek tried to retake his position on top,
but instead fell off of the couch and onto
the floor. Shaquille laughed and pounced
onto the ogre. They rolled around on the
bearskin rug sprawled in front of the fireplace,
the fire’s shadow dancing over their
glistening exposed bodies.
“Do you want to, uh, take this a step
further?” Shaq asked the ogre.
Shrek looked intrigued, yet nervous.
“What did you have in mind?”
And with that, Shrek had been flipped
over onto his stomach, his bare bottom
pointed into the air. “I’m, uh, gonna show
you why they call me the Diesel.”
Gorillas in the Mist – and the Bedroom
Peter Hohman
Dian looked at the magnificent silverback
and wondered how anyRwandans
could want to poach such an incredible
creature. His massive body, regal posture,
and sleek fur made her picture him as a
king surveying his rightful dominion.
“I’m the only one who understands
you,” she thought as she continued to gaze
at the gorilla. “If only there was a way I
could make you understand that.”
The great ape started to walk slowly toward
her and she felt her pulse rising. As
Tommy’s First Time
By Patrick Feehan
Then Emma Watson put down the Xbox controller and
looked deeply into my eyes and leaned in close, the glow
of the pause screen reflecting off of her eyes. “I want
you,” she whispered, “I want you to have sex with me.”
I was excited, but not surprised; what movie starlet
wouldn’t want to have sex with an honor student/purple
belt in karate like me? Emma took my hand and led me
to the bedroom, but not before grabbing a Capri-sun from
the refrigerator for later.
“I’ve always wanted you,” said Emma Watson as she
lay down on my unmade bed. And then the sex began, I
put my hand on her leg and she slowly touched my wiener.
It. Was. Amazing.
Emma and I took our clothes off and kissed naked for
a really long time; our tongues were inside each other’s
mouths. I could see all of her boobs and her whole butt. A
boy never forgets his first rager.
Emma then asked me to put my penis inside her. After
a minute of uncontrollable giggling, I obliged and after
two minutes of glorious, sweaty lovemaking I screamed
“Hermione!” and finally became a man.
he gracefully approached her on all fours,
she wondered if the gorilla was thinking
similar thoughts. She looked down and
saw his phallus become engorged with
the same passion that was simultaneously
swelling her own areolae. Within minutes,
Dian and the gorilla were intertwined in
a convolution of savage yet fragile beauty.
Her gasps were answered by the ape’s
growls and vice-versa; their furious yet
tender lovemaking continued for minutes
before it was interrupted by a curious
onlooker.
By Sean Becker
“I’m gonna do it,” Mitt said as he
took his shirt off and threw it over
the hotel chair. His back glistened
with sweat like the morning dew on
the plains of his Mormon ranch.
“I don’t think I’m ready.” Paul
said as he sat naked on the bed,
scratching the back of his head while
thinking sad thoughts.
“Shhh” Mitt said as he placed a
finger on Paul’s soft lips. Paul looked
at the ground, but Mitt grabbed his
neck and forced their eyes to meet.
The lights in the hotel flickered as
Mitt took his belt off and his pants
fell to the floor with a presidential
From afar, Dian thought that it was
another gorilla. But as the shadowed figure
drew nearer, she saw that it was a beautiful
specimen of the genus Pan. Finally, as the
intruder was all but on top of Dian and her
companion, she saw that it was a female
bonobo – the only great ape species known
to engage in lesbian sexual contact. Dian’s
heart fluttered as the bonobo entered the
tangle of primates. The Rwandan mountainside
echoed the sounds of the threesome’s
delight as the sun slipped below the
horizon like a clandestine lover.
Erection Campaign
thud.
“Mitt Romney gets what he
wants,” Mitt started. “And what Mitt
Romney wants is Paul Ryan.”
Mitt pushed Paul down on the
bed, their bodies laid on top of each
other as they met in a warm embrace.
Paul pushed Mitt off of him and
reached for his phone. Mitt knocked
the phone away and mounted Paul
again.
“Mitt, no,” Paul said as Mitt
entered him
“It’ll all be over soon,” Mitt whispered
into his ear as he reached for
the lights. “Mitt Romney gets what
he wants.”
17

A Penn State Wedding
Nick and Andrea are getting
married! This lovely couple met
while they were students at Penn
State. What better way to commemorate
their love and dedication
than to return to the place
where their love first blossomed?
None, there isn’t a better way.
No Penn State wedding would be complete without a picture at the
Lion Shrine. Also, Nick and Andrea fucked here on State Patty’s
Day in their junior year.
18
Remembering their first date.
So romantic.
You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of
Andrea Moore
and
Nicholas Foley
On Tuesday afternoon
June the 2nd
at four o’clock at the
HUB Robeson Center
followed by a reception
Lots of hours spent studying/fondling each other
among these old smelly books. Ahhh, romance…
Nothing says marriage more than closeness to
death. Here the lovely couple takes the ceremonial
first whiff of each other’s feet.
The lovely couple reminiscences at the exact same spot where they
shared their first kiss.
Marriage is a journey, and every journey has low points.
This is a low point.
For their honeymoon Nick and Andrea
traveled all the way to beautiful,
tropical Boalsburg! Surrounded
by miles of scenic farmland the couple
will finally consummate their relationship.
Sex.
Best wishes to the
happy couple!
19

The Official Phroth Guide To Dealing With A
Stressful Workload
1) Try yoga
Yoga can be a calming relaxing activity that will do great
things for your mind and body. Yoga is also rooted in fake
ancient culture, so you can enjoy this relaxing activity while
pretending to be cultured.
3) Try meditation
If none of this works, try out meditation. It’s like
sleeping, but staying awake. That’s got to be relaxing,
right?
4) Work on your particular
hobby
Is an essay getting you down? Play some guitar or write
up a feature for a club. It’s a fun and easy way to wipe
that stress away.
20
2) Listen to ambient music
Ambient music can take the edge off a particularly stress full day.
Just sit back, relax and listen to strange noises for an hour.
5) Work out
Lifting things is very therapeutic for some reason. If life
gets you down, just pick some shit up.
6) Drink heavily
Why not deal with stress like a real man? Drink until your
sorrows and hopes and dreams go away.
It’s that time of year again. In such stressful times, it’s important to
learn how to deal with all this new negative energy. Here are some
tips that we’ve put together:
7) Shave a sleeping homeless
man
There’s usually one or two trying to have a good
night’s sleep downtown. Show those moochers
what’s what. Putting people in their place is a great
way to allieviate your stresses.
8) Take the man out of
the closet and beat him
unconscious
If you don’t have a man in your closest, then the
nearest homeless man could do just as well. Nothing
takes the edge off of life like watching your fists slowly
take the life out of another person.
9) Run over a jogger with
your pickup truck
Look at those pretentious assholes going
about their day. Fuck ‘em. They get what
they deserve. Make sure to ram 'em hard
so it looks funny. Laughter is a great way to
deal with stress.
10) Do laundry
Disposing of the jogger is hard and
messy work. After all that, it's good to
sit back, relax and let the machines do
all the work. It’s best to use seventh
generation laundry detergent to preserve
the enviroment.
21

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Other Vacated Penn State
When the NCAA announced their sanctions against Penn State’s football program last July,
the media focused on the heavy fines levied against Penn State, the four-year bowl-ban for the
football team, and the vacation of Penn State’s wins from 1998 to 2011. Another part of the
sanctions that went widely unreported is the vacation of several other Penn State achievements
from the same time period. Here at Phroth, we applied our investigative journalism skills to
bring you the truth about these other accomplishments that were wiped from the history books
in our undying effort to give you readers the whole truth and nothing but the truth regarding
the Sandusky case.
Graham Spanier’s perfection of the Cut
and Restored Rope – 2005
In 2005, former Penn State president
Graham Spanier reached the pinnacle of
his career as an amateur magician when he
perfectly executed the famous illusion “the
cut and restored rope” in front of an audience
of middle school students touring Penn State.
Widely regarded as one of the fundamental
illusions in the field of close-up magic, the
cut and restored rope has been performed
by Spanier many times since 2005, but this
particular performance was stricken from
the records due to the minors involved.
Spanier has purportedly abandoned closeup
magic and is currently focusing more on
Houdini-like escape art in preparation of his
pending trial for obstruction of justice.
Achievements
Ted Fisher and Bernie Varmer’s perfect game of Beer Pong – 1999
Fisher and Varmer played a perfect game of beer pong in September of 1999 at a frat party,
several months after Sandusky’s molestation of victim number 2. Only 11 other perfect
games have been recorded in the history of collegiate drinking games. Interestingly, not
even Louis Freeh could conclude that Fisher and Varmer had any knowledge of Sandusky’s
crimes, but the erasure of their perfect game is widely supported by witnesses who
described Varmer’s playing style as “pure luck” and Fisher as “an arrogant asshole.”
The Careers of former professors Joseph Heller and John Barth
Joseph Heller, the author of Catch-22, began working on that novel while he was
teaching English at Penn State in 1953. Catch-22 ended up becoming one of the
most acclaimed post-modern novels of all time. Similarly, National Book Award
winner John Barth wrote his first novels and began writing his opus Giles Goat-
Boy while teaching literature at Penn State. While both Heller and Barth had
already left Penn State before Jerry Sandusky was even hired, the NCAA decided
to screw Penn State in one final way and erased their association with PSU while
assuming that the kids these days wouldn’t notice since they don’t care about
great literature anyways.
Ned Spooner’s one-night stand – 2007
Spooner, an obese nerd with a paraphilia for cosplay and math, hit upon a magical combination of tequila and a girl with
depression and low self-esteem when he met Sandra Gricar at the sole party he attended in April of 2007. Spooner ended up
hooking up with Gricar later that night, losing his virginity in the process. Although he never spoke to Gricar again, Spooner’s
own value of self-worth increased after that night – he became motivated to lose weight and gained the confidence to talk to
girls without the help of alcohol and he is now a happily married father of two and a successful software engineer. However, the
NCAA have decreed that the moment that transformed Spooner’s life never happened because of Sandra Gricar’s connection to
the original prosecutor in the Sandusky case, missing-and-presumed-dead DA Ray Gricar. Ray Gricar was Sandra’s uncle, and
the night of the party was the second anniversary of his disappearance. This accounted for her emotional state on that April
night and therefore invalidated any sex act she might have performed at the time.
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Tales of
Bizarro Penn State
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USP
T e University of the State o
f Pennsylvania
HOLY SHIT! Penn State’s University Park campus has been
sucked through a cosmic wormhole! EVERYTHING is reverse, the
Earth is a cube, black is white, up is down and University Park has
DRASTICALLY changed. Some of the changes are for the better
and some changes mostly involve the campus meal plan.
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PHROTH
CRYPTOGRAM
The letters encode a message that
can be decoded by determining
what letter stands for what letter.
Try and figure it out!
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Phun!
I F Y O U C A N ’ T F U C K I N G G E T
T H I S , Y O U S H O U L D B E
A S H A M E D O F Y O U R S E L F
Today’s Clue: G = G
Games!
Help Jerry Sandusky get out of jail!
After the THON 5K, the final individual and team results went
missing! Help Louis piece together who the top five finishers
were with the following clues:
1. Graham was in first place, but is lying about who the other top finishers
were.
2. Graham said that Joe and Curly came in second and third place.
3. Gary was seen talking to Joe during the race, but no one knows what was
said.
4. Mike definitely did not finish in the top five.
5. Joe was in first place at the library.
Answer: The most senior leaders at Penn State including, and especially Joe Paterno, purposefully concealed critical facts pertaining to the Jerry
Sandusky sexual abuse scandal. He himself may as well be guilty of every charge Jerry Sandusky was convicted of.
Our logic puzzle has been sponsored by Freeh Sporkin and Sullivan, LLC.
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Who Wore it Better?
Everybody here at Phroth is a major fashion buff. The only thing we love more than fashion is making
comparisons. So what better way to combine our love of fashion and comparisons than by judging others! So,
we are proud to present to you our petty, jealousy-fueled opinions of others.
Lady Gaga VS
Leatherface
Area man
OUR CHOICE:
Leatherface, because Lady Gaga is killing cute innocent animals.
VS
Serial killer
wearing area
man’s face
OUR CHOICE:
The serial killer won by a hair. because he literally used the hair of another victim to make a really haute
cummerbund to go along with the ensemble.
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Who wore the dead flesh better?
Who wore the area man’s face better?
Guy Fieri
Elvis Costello
VS
Who wore the crazy hair better?
OUR CHOICE:
Heat Miser, since his hair is naturally like that and he’s not as much of a douche.
VS
Who wore trendy suits and glasses better?
Heat Miser
Greg Proops
OUR CHOICE:
Elvis Costello, because he makes good music. This is clearly the matchup everyone was waiting for, right?
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