Mar 08.qxd - Connection Magazine

The Women’s Movement and
Relationships
by Joyce Vissell
It amazes me how many women
are still settling for less than they
deserve in their relationships with
men. The women’s movement of the
sixties has done much to liberate
women in their careers. Fathers are
now helping out more than ever with
child care responsibilities. Women
are crowding the health clubs and
marathons getting physically strong
and healthy. And yet in the area of
by Terri Judd
Grinding poverty and the escalating
war are driving an
increasing number of Afghan
families to sell their daughters into
forced marriages.
Girls as young as six are being
married into a life of slavery and rape,
often by multiple members of their
new relatives. Banned from seeing
their own parents or siblings, they are
relationship, many women are settling
for far less than they deserve, and who
hesitate to speak their truth. Often a
“yes” is said, when a “no” would be
more appropriate. Sometimes they put
up with certain behaviors because they
are afraid to take a stand.
Women who do not have an equal
place in relationships with men need
to take responsibility for themselves.
Women need to know that they deserve
to be totally loved, accepted and heard.
They need to know that their voice is
equally as powerful and needed in the
also prohibited from going to school.
With little recognition of the illegality
of the situation or any effective
recourse, many of the victims are
driven to self-immolation — burning
themselves to death — or severe
self-harm.
Six years after the US and Britain
“freed” Afghan women from the oppressive
Taliban regime, a new report proves
that life is just as bad for most, and worse
in some cases.
Projects started in the optimistic
days of 2002 have begun to wane as
the UK and its Nato allies fail to treat
women’s rights as a priority, workers in
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relationship as the man’s.
Many women are aware of the
possibility of a totally equal relationship
with a man, but are unaware of
how to attain this. The whole key is
in knowing that we as women deserve
this. This is our birthright, and it is
time to fully bring it into being. When
women do not feel that they deserve
full equality in the relationship, they
will do several things. First, and most
common, they will suppress their
needs, making their partners needs
more important. This is codependency.
Second, they will take an attitude of
“all men are out to use me, therefore I
will avoid them.” This is the paranoid
approach. The third is to use anger
and nagging to try to get the love and
equality they are wanting. This is
trying to be outwardly powerful, but
lacks love of self, and therefore is but
a desperate attempt. None of these
methods work. What is needed is to
go right to the source of the diffi culty,
Afghan Women
the country insist.
The statistics in the report from
Womankind, Afghan Women and Girls
Seven Years On, make shocking reading.
Violent attacks against females,
usually domestic, are at epidemic
proportions with 87 per cent of females
complaining of such abuse — half of it
sexual. More than 60 per cent of marriages
are forced.
Despite a new law banning the
practice, 57 per cent of brides are under
the age of 16. The illiteracy rate among
women is 88 per cent with just 5 per cent
of girls attending secondary school.
Maternal mortality rates — one
in nine women dies in childbirth — are
the highest in the world alongside Sierra
Leone. And 30 years of confl ict have
left more than one million widows
with no enforceable rights, left to beg
on the streets alongside an increasing
number of orphans. Afghanistan is the
only country in the world with a higher
suicide rate among women than men.
Campaigners say these are nationwide
fi gures, but in war-torn provinces,
such as Helmand, the British area of responsibility,
oppression is often worse,
though the dangers make it impossible
for them to monitor it accurately.
The banned practice of offering
money for a girl is still rampant — along
with exchanging her as restitution for
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the feeling of being undeserving or not
worthy of love. A woman can enjoy an
equal role with her partner, be loved,
accepted and heard. She must fi rst be
willing to feel worthy of such love
from a man. When a woman truly
knows herself and therefore, knows
that she deserves love and respect, then
she will naturally draw that out of her
partner. He will want to love her in a
special way because she loves herself
in a special way. A woman who knows
that she is worthy will be able to communicate
her needs to a man in a way
that makes him want to give to her.
I want to fully support women in
letting go of all feelings of unworthiness
and coming fully into the realization
of divine birthright and value. We,
as women, deserve to be seen, heard,
loved and honored in our relationships
with men. We will then have the power
to love and honor our man, for he deserves
this same special love.
With all my love, Barry Vissell.
crime, debt or dispute. With the going
price for a child bride at £800 to £2,000
— as much as three years salary for a
labourer — many grooms are forced to
take loans or swap their sisters instead,
explained Partawmina Hashemee, the
director of the Afghan Women Resource
Centre.
Mrs Hashemee, who has fought for
the rights of her fellow Afghan women,
initially for refugees in Pakistan, for
almost 20 years, said: “For me the issue
that breaks my heart is the forced marriages
because of poverty — even girls
as young as eight. They don’t get to go
to school or to go out. They are told ‘you
are not allowed to visit your family, we
paid, now you have to work’.”
In 2007, a law was passed banning
marriage under 16, but Mrs Hashemee
said: “The majority of people are not
even aware of it. Early age marriages
are increasing.”
The vast majority of international
aid goes directly to the Afghan government
rather than non-governmental
organizations. Activists are calling on
the British to ring-fence some of the
funding for human rights issues —such
as gender-based projects — and to
ensure the money reaches appropriate
benefi ciaries.
Mrs Hashemee said, in Kabul at
least, there had been greater recognition
of women’s rights over the past seven
years as well as major civil and political
gains since the fall of the Taliban. But
it remains a dangerous environment,
and female MPs, activists and journalists
still live under constant threat of
death.
Womankind is calling for the
implementation of UN Security Council
Resolution 1325, which says women in
Sunday, 2:00 p.m.
Robert Cooney, Author, “Winning
the Vote”
The Triumph of the American Suffrage
Movement
Joyce McLean
The History of WILPF
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Page 14 ▲ The Connection Magazine ▲ www.theConnect.com ▲ March — April 2, 2008
Here is an opportunity to bring
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Call TOLL-FREE 1 (800)
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95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information
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or in person, their books, recordings
or their schedule of talks and
workshops. Visit their web site at
www.sharedheart.org/ for their free
monthly e-heartletter, their updated
schedule, and inspiring past articles
on many topics about relationship
and living from the heart.
confl ict zones should be offered protection
and recognition of their role in the
peace process, as well as their human
rights. Across Afghanistan women’s
organizations, such as Mrs Hashemee’s,
are now turning their attention from
providing basic needs to empowering
females, teaching them their rights and
urging them to vote.
Often illiterate women are instructed
on how Islam views women
as equal. Training is offered to young
men in why sexual abuse is wrong.
Communities are being “mobilized” to
fi ght for and monitor women’s rights
— encouraging mullahs to promote the
equality that the Koran teaches.
But there are no women’s rights
associations in Helmand. The closest
is one courageous group working in
another southern province, Kandahar.
Yet Mrs Hashemee is positive. She
said: “I don’t want to be disappointed.
We will struggle on and hopefully the
government and international community
will help.”
In a report this month, the chairman
of the International Development
Committee, Malcolm Bruce MP, said:
“There is a dangerous tendency to accept
in Afghanistan practices which
would not be countenanced elsewhere,
because of ‘cultural’ differences and
local traditions.
“We believe that the rights of
women should be upheld equally in all
countries. The government of Afghanistan
has a vital role to play in this by
ensuring that the international human
rights commitments which it has made
are fully honoured and given greater
priority.”
Printed with permission from The
Independent UK.
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