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Do your friends have bassier speakers
than you do? Do they sneer when
you play your hi-fi system? Do they
check your fridge for traces of leftover
quiche? Time for a visit to the good
doctor…
Doc, I’m not happy. I’d like to have lots
more bass from my speakers, and I don’t
know how to get it.
Hmm…you’re suffering from bass
anemia, are you? A battery of tests would
be in order. I may have a bed available
Friday…
That’s not necessary, doc, I’m already
sure of the diagnosis. I just don’t know what
to do about it.
Self-diagnosis is a terrible thing, as
the medical association is always pointing
out. Who are these friends? Do they
have proper accreditation?
I don’t know, and that’s not the point.
Their bass is full and beautiful, and mine is
lean and miserly. Why shouldn’t I get in on
the good life too?
Perhaps I should take a complete history.
Just lie on the couch. Now, when
did the symptoms begin?
A few weeks ago. At first I didn’t think
anything of it. A friend of mine dropped by,
and he brought over a new record he had just
bought. It was the latest Streisand record.
When I played it he kept frowning and
saying, “I don’t understand why you don’t
have more bass.”
Had you noticed a lack of bass before
that?
I can’t remember. But he said on his
system he could actually feel the whomping of
the bass and the thumping of the drums, and
on mine he could barely hear them, much less
feel them. And I had to admit he was right.
How could you tell? Had you heard
his system?
Not at the time.
Then you apparently made your diagnosis
on inadequate medical evidence.
But then I heard his system — he was
really eager to have me come over — and I
Gossip&News
Ask the Doc
had to agree. He had far more bass
than I did.
And this bothered you?
Well of course. The worst
part came when he asked me
how much I had paid for my
speakers. I told him they had
cost me $950, and that they
were very well reviewed in the
best magazines. He made a rather sarcastic
comment about the magazines…
Tch! He should lose his license to
practise.
…and he told me his own speakers cost
only $280. At that point I didn’t know what
to say.
Well, it sounds to me as though you
are suffering from what Freud would
have called bass envy.
Is it curable, doc?
Many companies will tell you it
can be cured only by purchasing their
products. Personally I favor a multidisciplinary
approach to medicine.
Meaning?
Meaning that the best cure for bass
envy is to decide what you really want.
Tell me, did you prefer the record as you
heard it from your friend’s system?
I don’t know. It certainly had more bass.
Think back. Could you understand
the words?
I don’t remember. I was so entranced by
the drums and the string bass that I wasn’t
listening for the words.
Do you consider it normal that the
drums and bass should engage your
We go back in time to
UHF No. 23, and our
long-running satirical
section, “Ask the Doc.”
Some of the entries
have aged gracefully.
attention more than the words?
I hadn’t thought of it. Maybe not.
Is it normal, doc?
Well, who can say what is
normal nowadays? It is not up to
doctors to judge their patients.
But I might suggest a short clinical
test which may provide at least
some relief. The next time you visit
your friend, try slapping the side of his
speaker with the palm of your hand.
Why?
Chances are that you will hear a
hollow low-pitched sound. Chances are
also that this sound will be familiar,
since it will have exactly the same pitch
as the bass and drums that impressed
you so.
Are you saying that the bass I was hearing
didn’t come from the record?
When you think about it, all speaker
makers are up against the same laws of
physics, and those laws dictate that a
speaker of reasonable size will drop in
efficiency as the frequency goes down.
A resonance, however, seems to increase
output. And so if you place a resonance
at the very point where the speaker is
dropping in response, it will appear to
have extended bass.
That’s amazing doc! You mean some
speaker manufacturers deliberately introduce
resonances into their speakers?
That is seldom necessary. For $280 a
pair, there is no way to pay for enough
materials to prevent severe resonances.
But it is possible to tune those resonances
so they appear to help the bass
response.
You say the resonances appear to help the
bass response. But don’t they actually help?
As far as the test instruments are
concerned, yes. For the music, no. You
are hearing the cabinet, not the music.
Thanks, doc! I’m feeling much better
already.
My receptionist will prepare your
bill. I’m afraid this sort of intervention
is not covered by medicare.
ULTRA HIGH FIDELITY Magazine 77