Call us now on: 0800 731 5905 - Viva Lewes
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eth<br />
Miller<br />
I see your true colours shining through<br />
‘Typical’, huffed Hoxt<strong>on</strong> Mum, sipping her skinny<br />
macchiato. ‘The <strong>on</strong>e time something exciting<br />
happens in <strong>Lewes</strong>, and I was stuck in bloody<br />
T<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>cany.’<br />
‘Good holiday was it?’ I asked, idly watching as<br />
Things One and Two carefully emptied hundreds<br />
of sugar sachets into Hoxie’s handbag. So nice to<br />
see them working <strong>on</strong> a project together without<br />
bickering.<br />
‘Rotten. The coffee wasn’t even as good as here.’<br />
Hoxie waved her hand round Costa, her boycott<br />
of Bill’s having been extended to Caffé Nero<br />
and Baltica. Nero’s due to people with laptops<br />
hogging the best tables, and Baltica beca<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>e ‘the<br />
mirror in the loo makes me look like my mother’.<br />
‘And I couldn’t relax by the pool beca<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>e every<br />
two minutes some<strong>on</strong>e sent me a tweet or text<br />
about this Sunday Times b<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>iness. Maddening,<br />
it was.’<br />
‘Maddening to be acc<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>ed of unthinking racism?’<br />
‘No, maddening to be so far away from the acti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Anyway, the article specifically excluded DFLs<br />
from any such acc<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>ati<strong>on</strong>. Which is <strong>on</strong>ly right.<br />
After all, back in Hoxt<strong>on</strong> I w<strong>on</strong> plaudits for my<br />
sensitive directi<strong>on</strong> of Hox-Dram’s culturally<br />
diverse producti<strong>on</strong> of My Night with Reg.’<br />
‘Hard for the children’, I said, thinking of the<br />
youngsters menti<strong>on</strong>ed in the article.<br />
‘Yes, indeed. Poor Django: he had nightmares that<br />
every<strong>on</strong>e would be talking about it <strong>on</strong> his return<br />
and him quite clueless. Thank heavens I had my<br />
Blackberry so he could Facebook his friends and<br />
keep up.’ She smiled, basking in the glow of her<br />
superb parenting.<br />
w w w. V I VA l E w E s . C o M<br />
C o l U M N<br />
Django and Lysander joined <str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>. Lysander had<br />
been charged with supervising his s<strong>on</strong>’s hair-cut in<br />
Avant Garde, but had clearly drifted off, for rather<br />
too much of Django’s pink scalp was revealed.<br />
Hoxie squealed in horror. ‘Lysander, what have<br />
you d<strong>on</strong>e? He looks like a Black Shirt.’<br />
‘It’s not that short’, Lysander bl<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>tered. ‘I didn’t<br />
notice them getting the clippers out.’<br />
‘J<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>t pop into Brats why d<strong>on</strong>’t you, get him a Ben<br />
Sherman and some Doctor Martens and your<br />
job’s d<strong>on</strong>e’, Hoxie said hysterically.<br />
Thing Two looked up from his sugar work and<br />
said rudely but accurately, ‘Django’s ears stick<br />
out.’<br />
I hastily apologised to Django and reminded<br />
Thing Two of our rule that all pers<strong>on</strong>al comments<br />
m<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>t be run quietly past me before being relayed<br />
to a third party. This rule has been enforced since<br />
the time Thing One asked a very large gentleman<br />
if he was pregnant.<br />
But Django leaped to his own defence. ‘You can’t<br />
say that about my ears, it’s racist.’<br />
This gave <str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g> all pa<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>e.<br />
‘How so, darling?’ Hoxie asked her earnest little<br />
chap.<br />
‘If you say anything about some<strong>on</strong>e’s appearance<br />
it’s racist. It said so in that newspaper.’<br />
‘Hmm’, said Lysander. ‘There’s going to have to<br />
be a certain amount of educati<strong>on</strong> all round in the<br />
wake of this b<str<strong>on</strong>g>us</str<strong>on</strong>g>iness.’<br />
Hoxie picked up her bag. ‘Lord, this is heavier<br />
than I remember’, she sighed. ‘How apposite: as<br />
with the burden of kids, <strong>on</strong>e’s load never seems to<br />
lighten.’ And off she went to her yoga class.<br />
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