Shadow's Son by Shirley Meier, S.M. Stirling and Karen Wehrstein ...

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Youdoknow who to trust, Chevenga. It's I who is the idiot . She plunged her left hand into the bucket
of water next to the wheel, drove her claws into the earth, scrubbed with the sandy mud, rinsed in the
water again, tipped the bucket out so no one could drink from it. She staggered back into the cart, where
he knelt, waiting, eyes utterly gentle. She seized his note from the cabinet, burned it in the lamp, down to
the last blank corner in her left-hand claws.
"I will finish you, your pleasure," she whispered. "Just hold me, for now, please…"
His arms were tender at first, then, as the sobs strengthened, and began to feel as if they'd tear her in
two like paper, his embrace gently tightened, as if to hold her together. "Never mind finishing me. That
would be too much. You've gone through enough tonight. Agh, Megan, poor Megan, strength, there'll be
an end to your pain, therewill …" She curled her hands into fists so that the claws rested on the pads of
callus, and wept harder.
Night broke off chips of dark, rained crashing on her head like broken glass, thoughts dropping dully
from her mind into her heart.Lixand-mi . His baby curls under her hand, his toothless smile as he
grabbed for the rattle; baby trust, entire.Lixand. Someone else killed Shkai'ra, but Ihave killed you.
You will never know it was me. You'll just die. I am worse than slough-kin: kin-killer .
I should have clawed myself, the thought came, dead and cold as an assassin's thoughts.I still can .
"Zhymata?" Sova's whisper out of the dark, from inside the tent.
Koru—no. She'd be orphaned, twice-orphaned, by my hand.
"What's wrong? Are you all right?Zhymata ?" The Thane-girl unhooded the smallkraumak , the
light-stone.
"I've lied to you, Sova." The words came out, unthinking.What am I saying ? She heard her own voice,
dull, deadened, tell the whole story, as her hands mindlessly stripped off her clothes again, her body
crawled under the covers, lay curled tight around her pain.Let there be only truth between us. I won't
be slough-kin with her, too . "I can't kill him. The world needs him too much. I've thrown away my
son's life, Shkai'ra's death." She was finished telling; the pain loosened enough to let her cry again, open,
unrestrained, wailing like a child.
For a long time Sova stared, her mouth slightly open. Then she snapped it closed, and blinked, playing
back the words in her mind, several times.
"Zhymata… No. You didn't throw away anyone's life, or death. You did what you had to." The girl's
strong arms wrapped around Megan, hugged crushing tight. "Zhymata. Zhymata. You don't know for
sure Shkai ra's dead, you still don't know absolutely for sure! Oh,Zhymata , poorZhymata , it's all right,
you had to lie to me, don't worry, you did what you had to,Zhymata , you threw nothing away, you did
what you had to. You did what you had to. You did what you had to."
XXIII